a tortured mind

      As a small child I was nothing like I am now when it comes to people. I would have tiffs with my friends and get right over it and go on like nothing had ever happened. I would never really think about it (the fight) again. I had so many friends and always had a great time with them all.
      As a teenager I was put in a situation that i believe changed me forever when it comes to walls being put up and the way i handle certain things. I lived in house with someone that was nice one minute and the devil the next, lied on me and tried to turn certain members of my family against me, would run off more times than i could ever count and would always be welcomed back. I could actually write for days and says about that situation i was in but all i will say now is that it was a horrbile one that wouldnt ever wish on anyone. It was then that i realized that I couldnt really trust anyone because the ones that i was suppose to be able to trust, confide in, and love and recieve love from where the ones cause the worse pain ever in my life. I then built a concrete wall around myself, for a long time i didnt care about hardly anything, or anyone, even myself at times. It now takes me a very long time to get into a relationship (friendship) with someone, and even longer to really feel comfortable around then and trust them with anything going on in my life.
      Dont get me wrong i have friends, im married, and most of the time everything is perfectly fine but i will say that once an issue arises, it doesnt matter what is said, if i feel like i have been turned on, lied too, or attacked, Up goes the wall and usually the relationship is over. I have very low tolerance for that kind of stuff. So what has happen when a very close friend on mine and i had a problem, well i have held on to it, cant stop thinking about it, dwell on it, and i get angry all over again every single time i do it. I tried to let it go, to move on, like nothing had ever happened, and continue with the friendship we had, had before and even though i have tried so hard, deep in the back of mind there is still the wall up, cause i feel like it has happened once, so it will most definatly happen again. In most cases it has happened again, so i have good reasoning i guess. i find myself second guessing myself as to why i am even trying to keep the friendship going cause i know something is gonna happen again, therefore subconsiously i hold back from the relationship...i hold grudges, i never forget, i have trouble forgiving, and i tend to be quite spiteful as well...i dont like these things but even when i try i cant seem to get past those things. i dont know what to do about it...i want to be able to forgive and forget, to move on and never think about these things again.. but i dont know how...i find myself when things are going good sitting thinking about all the bad things. oh well...

the beginning of my wonderful life

12 years ago this september 9th i began dating a wonderful boy, so sweet, didnt drink, didnt smoke, stayed out of trouble and was sooo good to me. he came into my life at a very difficult time in my life and was just what i needed.  with all the loser i had dated before him, i was hooked very early in. both of us were still in school and had jobs but every single free moment we were together. Always hanging out at one of our houses or the other, riding the strip, hanging out with all our friends, movies, dinner and anything else as long as we were together. it was so odd how much we had in common and how comfortable we were with each other. i knew he would be the one i married for sure. 2 years into our relationship he purposed to me, i said yes and then we were married on this day august 8th 8 years ago. I can honestly say that he has given me more than i could ever ask for in a husband, 2 beautiful children that he is a wonderful father to. he works very hard and takes great care of us. And even though he isnt the romantic type and doesnt always show me the way i would like for him to, i know he loves me for me. and i cant even described how much i love him...he is my bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate! i truely believe God made him only for me!!! and then of course the fact alone that he has put up with me all these years must say something about how much he loves me cause i know i am not always the easiest person to get along with...I love you more today than yesturday and only half as much as i will tomorrow Robert Jason Heller!!! thank you for saving my life!

endings and new beginnings

      Even though the warm weather is here for a while longer, my summer break with my babies is nearing its end and my sad face is showing. I have taken full advantage of this summer break. With a summer pass to the pool, the kids and i have practically lived there, we are all nice and golden brown, Riveranne has made such progress with the water this summer going from not even wanting a drop to get in her face to swimming like a little fish under the water without holding her nose, Im such a proud mama! Ryder has also made huge strides for him, last year he was the baby on the side of the pool that would rarely even get in, this year he got in had a ball and wasnt afraid at all...hes such a big boy!!! and me well i just loved seeing them have a blast while i got my tan on. Having a great tan always makes me feel great. Along with funfilled days with my babies i have also taken full advantage of being able to stay up late watching movies with nowhere to be in the morning and no bedtime in site...i have had a movie addiction really this summer, i have watched a ton and it has been so nice to just have that quiet time to myself after the kids go to bed yet before jason gets home from work...it has been awesome and im terribly sad to see it come to an end... its gonna take me forever to get back on schedule, im gonna be death for the first couple of weeks...shew wee im tired thinking about it.
      For a long long time i havent worked a public job and even though it has been a mutual decission between me and my husband and he make plenty of money to pay all our bills and such i have felt terrible that i havent been contributing to our family financially. I took the biggest step last year when i decided to sign up for school again and i was so determined to be focused and do well and i did just that and i was so proud of myself. With my second semester coming up soon i cant lie, i am so very excited about it, i actually really enjoyed school last year and the feeling of actually being productive in my life, other than taking care of the kids and the house, made all the difference to me. So this semester i am taking my first meteorology class and that in itsself is what i am most excited about, if you know me and my love for weather then you will totally understand. After taking this class i will decide then whether i am going to continue with a degree in acounting or change it to meteorology...of course in my heart i really want to do meteorology... But on to my point, with the biggest step in helping my family financially being taken, i have recently decided to take yet another step. I signed up to be a thirty-one consultant. I am so very excited about this cause i love all the products and im sure everyone else will also. I hope that i will be able to kick this off right with all the support and help from my friends and family. Not only will it be fun for me but i sure hope that i can make a lil extra money so its a win win situation!!! so heres my shout out, let me know if your interested in booking a party or placing an order with me!!!
     Like being a full-time mother and wife, a full-time student, and a thirty-one consultant werent enough i have now been sucked in by extreme couponing. One of my best friends has been doing it for a while and she created a monster when mentioning it to me..lol. i have been burning up the interenet printing off hundreds of coupons, and new papers for all the coupons i can get, i have my 3 ring binder and my card collecter sleeves to keep them all organized, and as of a couple of days ago my bestie asked me to come along for one of her trips to the store where she taught a few of her secrets and i got entirely to excited about it all and i will now comfirm that i believe i am addicted...yep i am!!! i have even cleaned out our hall closet so it can be where i stash all my goodies!!! there are several of yall out there that will want our secrets but i can share them with everyone, cause i dont want all the deals gone when i want to get them...im selfish i guess!!!
       And as it seems so many things are changing in my wonderfully busy life and i am so very excited about each and everyone of them, there will always be things that will never change no matter how hard i try...just gotta suck it up and keep on with the keepin on. I have a wonderful family and i am so thankful that we are so close my sister is literally my very best friend. me and my friends always have the best time together, we are all crazy and just laugh and laugh and i love it! we are always so comfortable around each other, we dont have to beg and pleed to see each other, regular phone calls and no lies and games!!! Its awesome!!! and im so thankful for all of them. well even thought im so tired i have been fighting sleep for a while cause i just dont want to give in early, its one of the last few night i can actually stay up late...so ill end this now and then prob give on in and hit the sheets!!!

uh oh oh oh oh the right stuff

as back as far as i can remember i have loved the new kids on the block, my sister heather and i used to listen to them every single day, we knew every single word and made up dances to every song. i believe i was 4 or 5 when i first remember loving them, so as soon as i heard that they were doing a tour and was coming to nashville tn only an hour and half away from me there was no if ands or buts that heather and i were going no matter what. and with tickets purchased we headed out and had the best time ever. it was like we were small kids all over again singing and dancing along with each song. it was by far the best concert we had ever been to. danny wood was always my favorite and jordan knight was heathers and we were in love and lets just say they all look so much better now as grown men, yum!!! and then only a month after the concert there we were again purchasing more tickets to see them again in louisville ky only 2 hours away with one of our friends to see them again cause we couldnt get enough and yet again it was amazing, leaving me completely obsessed with them, even my kids are learning the words to their songs cause i have been listening to them so much.

summer break is nearing the end and we have had so much fun this summer, lots and lots of pool time with lots of our friends and i just love sun bathing and i actually got me a good tan this year. i took the kids to the county fair and even though i was disappointed in it the kids still had a really good time riding rides and being with friends. and evene though we have had a wonderful summer and we hate to see it end riveranne is very excited to go back to school and be in the first grade and im very excited to start this next semester of college where i am going to be taking my first meteorology class and i just cant wait. i really do enjoy going to school and i take pride in how well i did last semester and im hoping to do just as well this time, im gonna give it my all thats for sure. its great to have something to do that is actual progress towards something that will help my family. its been a while since i felt like i was actually doing something good for my family.

i have also decided to go on yet another adventure and come august first i will be a new 31 distributor. im very excited for this as well. they have so many cute and useful items that i am in love with and i really miss doing in home parties and stuff like that, at least these items are more people friendly than the last ones i sold...lol....so hopefully ill be able to do really well with it with the support from my family and friends. lots of cool items for me, flexable hours, a little extra income, my own business, and fun! what more could you want. so if you want something or would like to take advantage of hostess only items and getting free stuff let me know!!!

hoping for some very exciting changes in the very near future for me and my family. gonna keep it hush hush for now but if things fall into place the way i think they will, well then ill share it with everyone. i have been really really trying hard to let things go, not to hold on to grudges like i always have in the past and trying not to hold things from the past again people, i think im doing better but i cant lie its not an easy task at all, because every other time i have thought everything was going good, i get punched right in the face with a book of things wrong that overwhelmes me and i not sure how to take that and knowing it will more than likely happen again like it has many times already, its hard for me to pretend im over it all and i dont think about it and somewhat hold it against them. because i do but im trying at least or there would be no relationship at all anymore! my family has been all doing really good and im very thankful for that. and now that i have updated everyone on whats been going on in my life lately im gonna end this here.

leave it to my daughter

Riveranne just turned 6 years old but has always from day one had the mentality of a child much older. I believe it comes from her being with me day in and day out before she went to school and me always talking to her like she was grown, no baby talk. My mother says i was the very same way so she must get it honest. She has always talked about and played like she was grown with a husband and kids, she already has names picked out for her kids, my four grandkids 2 girls and 2 boys, Shyli Lo, kyla, Brick, and Jake. she wants to be a wife and a mother just like me. she is very smart also, and has common sense something that alot of adults dont even have. and even though she is very grown in the way she thinks, acts and talks she still have that childish carefree way about it.

 Tonight i decided to go get some junk food after it had already gotten dark out, she was so shocked that the stores were still open so late (8pm) when i informed her that alot of them stay open all night long and said "shew wee i couldnt ever work at a place that stays open all night cause i would get so tired and might fall asleep and not know when it is time to get off and go home." i just giggled. after leaving Food Lion with our junk food in the car on the way home Riveranne told me she wanted to be a cashier, the person that we give our money too because it would be so cool to get to keep all that money...i then told her that the cashiers dont get to keep all that money, and she said " you mean the owner gets it all, thats not fair" i said yeah the owner gets all that money and then...and she jumped right in and said " and then they give the cashiers a paycheck for doing all the work so good right?" and i said yes! she then asked me who the owner of Food Lion was and i said well its a man named Food Lion and she got really queit...after a few minutes she spoke back up and said in a very questionable voice " you mean to tell me there is a man named Food Lion....Food lion really?" i just busted out laughing, it was soooo funny!!! i couldnt fool her! she acts and just like me, which people tend to think im a bit crazy but i love it and i totally love that she is just like me! she my bestest girl in the world and she knows it.

what i love most

sitting back in the beach chair, sunglasses on, yet eyes closed, all oiled up. putting my face to the sky and feeling the sun on my face, on my body, hot and tingling. sitting there all layed out soaking up all the sun i can until i cant take it anymore then jumping into the cold water, its shocking at first but feels so good. i love sitting there watching my children, jumping into the pool, splashing, floating, playing and laughing, there is nothing better than seeing the smiles on their faces and hearing them giggle and laugh, it warms my heart while the sun warms my body. i love sitting there with my very best friends in the world, chatting, laughing, being able to take about anything and be completely myself, snapping pictures, and gossiping about the latest drama going on. we sit at the kiddie pool cause all our kids are very small so we wait for the whissle so we can grab our kids and head to take a dip in the big pool in peace...its relaxing, its fun, we all love it.

coming home from a day in the sun and cooling off in the awesome AC, getting out of our wet clothes and me and my two babies crawl into my big bed, snuggling all together, watching cartoons until they drift off into a nap, i lay there looking at them, so sweet and innocent, their heads laying on my arm and me running my hands threw their hair or rubbing their backs while they rest until i myself fall into a nap...sooo lovely!!

and after all the fun there comes a time where i actually get to cook and clean up the house while the kids continue playing. then we go to the back yard where i watch them swing, run, pull each other in the wagon, ride their bikes and play and laugh, while the bugs bite my legs....but i love it all

finally, sitting on the porch on a warm summer evening, high on the hill where my house sits out looking the city in which we live, watching the sun set and feeling the breeze. the lightning bugs are flying around and my children along with the two dogs are running around, playing, and laughing. so relaxing. then coming in getting ready for bed, watching some tv and snuggling on the couch, tickling them, getting sweet kisses and hugs and say "i love you" over and over again until it is time to tuck my sweet angels in their beds...and of course i go back in to check on them before i go to bed, to make sure they are comfortable, sleeping well and perfect, and you know they always are...this is the life i live and i wouldnt change a thing, its a better life than i could ever asks for, i have been so blessed.

what more?

what more do you want from me? i try so hard to let things go, to move on, and pretend things havent happened and things havent been said but i have the hardest time with it. i am the biggest grudge holder i know, i cant help it, i have always been this way and i just dont see the point in trying to forgive and pretend nothing ever happened when i know it will happen again and in all the situations i have been in where i have tried to move on and forget, it has always happened again and again. what more do you want from me? so i was told i dont put forth enough effort, when in all honesty you dont put forth enough effort, i invite you and you dont come...what am i suppopse to do about it, i cant make you care or feel like you should be there when you obviously dont but get upset with me when i stop inviting you. its a waste of breath on my part. we can talk about it all you want but nothing ever changes.

on a better note: my baby girl is now 6 years old and she had the best birthday ever, we had the biggest crowd ever and lots and lots of fun...i cant tell you how proud i am of her she is such a big girl, very respectful and smart. you dont get any better than her and my boog. im just so glad that she has soooo many awesome people in her life to love her. the toys have taken over my house and i love every bit of it. my best friend jenn got married a week ago and i am so very happy for her, she finally has a wonderful man in her life that loves her and her baby girls as much as they deserve. it hurt my heart so bad that i couldnt be there with her on her special day but at least she knows i was there in spirit and that i love her to pieces. i have seen her go through stuff she shouldnt have ever had to go through, but now she has someone that loves her and her babies finally have the daddy they needed.

i am loving this warm weather, i live for summer time. my daughter got a summer pass to the city pool for her birthday and we have already been living there, have so much fun and getting a good tan, we all just love it and it give us something we can all do as a family during the summer.

well all in all my life is great, i cant complain cause i have all i could ever want. and with that being said...bye