back to the grind

so after being a stay at home mama for nearly 10 years, only working part time here and there while attending college full time i finally graduated college with an interdisciplinary degree emphasis in business and humanities i prayed and prayed for a full time position at the school where my children attend and where i had been working part time in the preschool and special needs department. after filling out applications for 6 different positions and praying very hard I GOT A FULL TIME POSITION. in fact at the school where i was already working and my kids go. i am now the new full time kindergarten instructional assistant and i can not even express how excited i am about this. not only am i full time and able to help more to provide for my family but my two boys ryder and gage are also going to be in kindergarten therefore while working i will also be able to be there for all their special moments and partake in them with them. the LORD is good and always provides and never fails us and for that i so thankful.

wrecking ball

one year ago this month i came back in contact with someone from high school. this person was a friend of mine, i met him my sophomore year, he was a junior, he was very kind, caring, poetic with words, and quite good looking, however at the time of me meeting him i had already been with jason for nearly 2 years and was madly in love already. there was a time while we were in high school that he had made it known to me that he wanted to be more than friends with me but respect my relationship with jason. i cant lie i had gained feelings for him and therefore had to end our friendship because i was not willing to give up anything that i had with jason (i still am not willing to do so) jason and i have now been together for 15 years now and married for 11 of those and have 2 beautiful children a wonderful home and an amazing life. i am still madly in love with jason. no relationship is perfect and this time last year we were in the middle of a rough patch when i came  back in contact with this guy on facebook. it has been 12 years since i have seen him (i will refer to him as BAS) and throughout those 12 years i have always thought of him, wondered where he was, how he was doing, and would have dreams all the time of seeing him and not being able to reach him. it really has been something that has "haunted" me from the last time i saw him. so when i found him on facebook a year ago i was overly excited to hear from him again. i lit up like i havent in years, of course it probably was not the best time for the reconnection and especially the fact that he let me know that he still felt the same way about me, was so glad to have found me, and was full of all kinds of flattery that i wasnt getting from the man that was suppose to be doing those things. dont get me wrong nothing inappropriate happened, we didnt meet up or anything like that, i wouldnt do that but i cant lie and say that it didnt bring up some feelings of "what if" and the fact that i may have always had some kind of feelings for BAS since i have always thought of him and wondered. all these years of thinking of him and wondering about him had a hold on me so when i found him i didnt want to let it go, somehow i feel like i need him in my life and i dont know what to do about it or where he would fit in my life anyways. we ended the reconnection and communication because i was very confused and afraid of what might happen but now i feel devastated that i cant talk to him and stuff like i have lost him all over again like i did 12 years ago when he graduated and moved away. and i dont know if i can handle that again, i feel like i need him someway and i just dont know, i still freaking think about him every single day...what is wrong with me, what should i do?  

twitching eyes

        wow where to even start it has been a while since i blogged... sooo ill start with the good things that have been going on. after years of lots of volunteer work at south green elem i applied and was hired for the preschool assistant position and it was nothing shy of a prayer answered because i was needing a job terribly and this one could be no more perfect for me and my family situation because not only does it give us extra income and make me actually feel as if i am helping out which is something i havent felt in a long time but i get to work at the school that my children attend, i get to be there with them and leave with them in the afternoons and i will be able to be out when they are out and in when they are in, which is exactly what i needed because i cant afford babysitting and i have major trust issues with sitters also. jason took a pay cut a while back and went to day so that he could have more time with the kids in the evenings which was a hard move but def the best move and we just found out this week that he will now be moving back to his old position and pay rate but will remain on day shift and still be able to see me and the kids...awesome awesome awesome.
        I was finally able to confront my father in law with everything i have ever wanted to say to him after receiving some hateful text from him, i cant lie i went off the deep end a little bit but it needed to be done and i feel so much better now that i have been able to get it all off my chest. on another note i still have no type pf relationship with my sister or her daughter and i dont ever see that changing either, things have gone far beyond repair in my book and it is what it is and i am finally ok with that. i still love my "niece" payton.
        Ok now on to why i think my eye has been twitching all damn week...i know too much... let me start this off with this, i must looks crazy, i must just walk into a place and people can just feel that i am crazy therefore that enables them to come to with all their crazy even when i dont even know them like that....soooo first off a guy friend came to me and told me he thinks he is gay but he doesnt want to be, i dont know what to say to that, then another guy came to me in a very oddly way and informed me that he was a cross dresser and i barely know this guy, i dont know what to say to that either. one of my friends is getting a divorce because her husband cheated, another is getting a divorce just because and there is another couple in my life that i truely believe should get a divorce, it must be something in the air. and then there is still that one friend that i never hear from unless she wants an alibi, and this week i finally decided to end a so called friendship because it was doing nothing but messing with my head in a very bad, possible life ruining way. not that much of this stuff is actually effecting me personally but its all in my head going around and around so yes im sure you can see that all this is probably the reason my freakin eye has been twitching for the last week...i sure hope that ends soon its driving me crazy.
               Back on the lighter note, me and jason are doing much better, we are working hard on it, and all my true friendships like my sister heather, my chunky dunker, jodie, and my sweet terrie are fantabulous right now and i hope they stay that way. and i also registered for classes again starting in january after sitting this one out again...im excited to get back at it because im soooo close to finishing with a business degree but im nervous because they classes are getting harder and i have so much other stuff on my plate right now but it will all work out things always do because i have the good Lord on my side and i always will.

temptations

the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me. i have found myself in realization about not exactly being happy in my relationship with my husband. its not something has just recently happened but something that i just recently realized i didnt think i could handle anymore. dont get me wrong i love my husband, he is a great man, he works hard for us and takes care of us when it comes to paying the bills and make sure we have food on the table. he just wasnt taking care of me. a couple weeks ago my husband sold a car he had, therefore he had a bit of extra money, things have been pretty tight around here lately when it comes to money so i had mentioned to him that i would need him to give me a bit for the several dr appointments i had coming up the next week and he went off on me, he had other plans for the money and was not willing to give me any for the dr appointments so i went and cancelled them all. i was so upset over his actions alot of stuff started flooded to me. i couldnt even rememeber the last time he had paid me a compliment or acted like he appreciated anything that i do. i also realized that we never spend anytime to together and there is no romance, or effection shown either and all these things had not bee recent events but ones that have been present the entirety of our marriage and i was distraught over it all. i was realizing i was not happy and in fact hadnt been happy in a very long time. i thought this over in my head for a few day before i ever mentioned it to him which resulted in a four hour very emotional conversation. both agreed things needed to change and change quick or we would be head towards a seperation and neither of us really wanted that to happen. and even though all of these issues have been there for years it sure didnt help me that i had an old friend from high school contact me of facebook who kept giving me compliments and was showing me attention that i had been missing for so long. it was nothing inapropriate or anything but just simple compliments on my eyes and smile and he told me how beautiful i was, and those were things i had not heard from anyone not even my own husband for years, it was flattering of course but i started to feel the temptations that could happen and that is why i decided to go ahead and bring all the problems to light with my husband. and see if this could be fixed or not. the convo between my hubby and me was about a week from out 10 year anniversary which was very emotional but when the day came, he made it amazing for me, something that truely shocked me and brought a big smile to my face. however now it is a waiting game to see if everyday life with us changes. its something i am very hopeful for because i do love this man with all my heart. i just need to know every now and again that he loves me too and wants to be with me too...so now i wait.

taken over

i have been getting sick to my stomach for months now, no good reason at all. it will hit me all of a sudden, i will get sick and then i am fine, hungry even. i dont know what is causing it or how to stop it but all i know is it is ruining my life...i hate to throw up, im terrified of it actually...i call myself pukeaphobic but im sure there is a real term for it...i get all nervous and go into complete panic attack over me or someone else being sick at their stomach. this is why this has been very difficult for me, well other than also being sick and not knowing why and being sick enough that i have actually lost 40 lbs over it...i have gotten sick three days in a row now and today i find myself sitting here so very hungry and terrified to eat anything because im afraid i will get sick. it has taken over my life because i think of it constantly, every single time i feel hungry, and every single time i go to put something in my mouth, i find myself thinking nothing ever sounds good to eat because my train of thought is what would be the least worst to throw up. it is starting to interfere with my time with my kids and being able to do things with them without having to worry about it and it is putting a strain on my relationship with my husband also because he is tired of hearing me get sick all the time. i really cant help it, and i have prayed and prayed about it every day and every night and still nothing has changed....i dont know what i am suppose to do or how to fix it so as of right now im just dealing, or actually im not!!!!!

government controls

the government controls everything...when are some people going to understand this...im not saying that i agree or disagree with the outcome of the trayvon and zimmermen case because truely i have not watched it or kept up with all the details to give my true opinion but either way guys, this is not the first time a child has been murdered, and this is not the first time that someone who committed  murder has walked free. Thousands of men, women, and children, are murdered every single day in this horrible world that we live in. 99% of them we will never even know about, why because the government chooses which ones to make public due to which ones they think will cause the most attention and contraversy (sp). whether you want to believe this or not this one was chosen for the simple fact that racism matters could apply and they knew people would run with that and make a big deal of out of it. if you know me you know i am the last person that would ever be thought of as racist, but its the truth because the government like to cause drama, its full of it, they like to try and play us against each other, what will get the most attention and most rating when broad casted on tv. its sad really  and i am not say dont show support to which ever side of the case you support but educate yourself by research and find out how many horrible horrible things happen in this world that we never even knew anything about...its all government controlled.

back with a vengeance

        It has been way to long since i have sit down and just started writing all that was on my mind. i let a couple of people that couldnt handle the things i was writing effect me and stop me from doing so but that changes today. when i sit down at this computer and just write whatever is on my mind, it helps me, its like talking it all over with someone, getting it off my chest and it helps me from holding it all in( like i tend to do ) and then blowing up later. This is why i have decided to start this blog back up, it will prob not all be nice but the way i see it is, if you dont like what i have to say then you dont have to read it, this is my blog, and i can write and say whatever i want whenever i want and thats exactly what im fixing to do with hopes in not to overwhelm everyone.....lol
       man where to begin, i have had so many things happen. first off i have been having some bad health issues that i am still trying to figure out, nerves been all out of whack and after the fourth different med i think i might actually have the one thats gonna help but its still a waiting game. i have also been having some major stomach issues resulting it me vomiting a few times a week, first i thought it was my nerves but now im not so sure, if you know me you know that i am pukeaphobic therefore i will do anything in my power not to get sick to my stomach and nothing has been working, its a day to day struggle where i have changed my eating habits drastically and lost 40 lbs, i worry every single time i put something in my mouth whether or not it will end up making me sick. im not sure what is causing it and i dont know how to stop it so like i said its a day to day struggle that i am trying to deal with.
       Jason decided a few months ago that his position at his job was not worth all the time he was missing with the kids so he decided to step down, take a huge pay cut, and finally after 6 years there he went to day shift, it has been a huge adjustment for all of us, the plus side, we get to see jason a whole lot more and he has a lot more day off now, the down side, the pay cut of course that is making "living" a bit more difficult especially since i have not finished school yet and i do not have a job. we are working with what we have and we always make ends meet but its not easy. since school has been out we have been doing our usual routine of hitting the pool up as much as possible getting our swim and tan on and riveranne has just made me so proud this summer, she can swim a whole lot better this summer and just jumps in and does her thing and has sooo much fun and i love it, ryder does too but of course with his lifejacket on!!!! i will say this summer seems to be going by so fast for some reason though and that i am not ready for because i am not ready for school to start back for the kids or for me and the early bedtimes and early mornings, shew wee...the good thing for me is i was able to apply for graduation already and if everything goes as planned i will be graduating in dec 2014 with a business management degree so thats a plus because thats only 3 semesters away.
       I have been having issues with one of my sisters for a long time now and i wont go into all of it but i will say that i have been able to accept the outcome, and deal with being "banned" from their lives alot better than i thought i would. its funny how easy it has been for me, normally i dont even give it thought until they play little games with me and then well you know me, it can get ugly, but then im right back to living my life without them, and you know what its ok with me! i have everything i need when it comes to family and friends, im blessed even though its not always peachy. no one needs people in their lives that think they are better, or think that you arent good enough, there comes a time when you just need to realize its not worth the trouble family or not, and just move on...and i think im doing that pretty well.
       well i think this is enough chatter for one blog but i will be back...i promise and it will not be long either...lol it feels good to and im not giving it up anymore because some people cant handle it.