still on my mind

it has been nearly two years since i first reconnected with a guy friend from high school that i had feelings for but was already dating and in love with my husband. the two weeks of talking with him made me very happy, was very exciting and made me rethink alot of things and almost caused me to make some very big mistakes. it was he that cut it all off and i have been somewhat desperate to get him back into my life no matter how or where ever he would fit. i still to this day can not get him off my mind, i think about him daily, i dream about him weekly and i dont know why or how to stop it. i do believe that i still have some feelings for him but im not sure as to what those feelings really are. most days i think it is just the waht if of the situation, the fact that i have never been with anyone other than my husband my entire life, the fact that i at one time had some feelings for this other man and they were never resolved. all these things i am still trying to figure out and hopefully one day i will not be mentally crazy over all this and HIM.

foster care forever love

we have been foster parents for 7 months now, we have had some very trying times with it, kids we couldnt give them what they needed, and sweet baby that we fell in love with and he returned home, which was the plan but still ripped our hearts out. But now we have our 8th 9th and 10th children and i can not even describe the love we have for these kids. this has taken our house from 2 kids to 5 and i love every single minute of it, they are amazing kids, and our kids love them and they all get along so well, i couldnt ask for anything better. i know the goal is to always get these kids back home with their parents but i cant help but to wish to be able to adopt them and make them my kids forever. our 4th foster child was my baby, he came in calling me mama, stole my heart and then was ripped from me so quickly i didnt think i would recover. after 4 months of him being gone from our home i ran into his parent at the store and was told that he has now returned home and is doing so well, also that they may need a sitter and of course i volunteered so my baby is back. i cried tears of joy. i have loved and still love all 10 of the children that have been through my home so far. that will never change. even the difficult ones still your heart with their need for love and being taken care of. this is something i was called to do and i thanks God every day for his many blessing upon my family with this wonderful experience.

new opportunities

so i have had alot of things that have brought me to this moment in my life, first being the fact that my husband got a vasectomy without me wanting him too right after our son was born, i wanted more kids, second being working in the special needs dept at my kids school and seeing a special needs girl that was neglected and needed taking care of. so now after heavy thought and prayer and lots of begging to my husband we will be starting foster care classes this september. yes i know these will not be my children but i will be able to help a child feed, bath and clothes them even if just for a short while, and im willing to take any child even special needs and give them the love that they need. yes giving them back will surely be hard for me but i know that, that is the way it all works and i am more than willing to do what i can when i can. now i have had another offer be made to me as of today, to be a surrogate mother for a couple that has had horrible troubles having a child of their own. wow i dont even know where to begin with this one but something deep down in me wants to do it but then i dont think i would be able to live knowing i had given birth (a c section) to a child that wasnt mine and that i didnt get to have a relationship with in some kinda of way. lots of thought and prayer are going to have to go into this. however i would give anything to have another child of my own, a mother is all i have ever wanted to be and if i do say so myself i do make beautiful children its a shame that i had to stop with two, even though those two are my heart and soul and i am beyond thankful and blessed with the two perfect healthy children i have, its just a longing i still have to have just one more of my own....i just love kids i cant help it.

football playing girl

so in the last year or so my daughter who has never been a girly girl has taken it even further. all of a sudden she no longer wants to wear girls clothing, or shoes, doesnt want to play anything girly and has even made comments of wanting to be a boy and when her and the boys play games she always plays a boy. she even went and cut all of her hair off also. she is 9 years old and even though i am very supportive when it comes to things like this i dont think my daughter is transgender or even in that fact gay. i think this is some sort of phase and either way im just going with the flow. she has tons of girl clothes so no i will not be getting rid of all those and replacing them with boy clothes because i cant afford to do something like that but whenever we do purchase new things i have tried my best to buy her boy clothing that she will like, i let her cut her hair off because i in fact have short hair and how could i not let her do the same. and as she has always been completely into sports like soccer and basketball she has decided this year that she also wants to play football so guess what this mama is gonna do, im signing her up for football, shes a big rough and tough girl im excited for her to show those boys what she is made of. the reason i think this is only a phase at this point is because her and i have sit down and had a couple of good long talks about it all and she still likes boys and has lil boyfriends, she just isnt girly and therefore she doesnt enjoy playing girly things and tends to navigate towards the boys and the things they like to play and thats perfectly normal and fine. she just say she wants to be a boy because at school they make them play games girls against boys and of course she is placed on the girls team and they always lose, she doesnt like losing, she wants to be a boy so she can be on the better team and win, which i think is funny. however even though i am supporting her in everything she does and says i still make known and very clear that girls can do anything and everything a boy can do and be just as successful and still be a girl. i just love her to the moon and back and want her to know that she can be anything she wants to be and can do anything she sets her mind to and be proud the problem is she has been struggling with making friends because of this because the girls dont accept her because she isnt girly and the majority of the boys dont either because at this age she is still just a girl and it doesnt matter that she likes all the stuff they do and can in fact do them better than most of them but hopefully this is will all work itself out soon, i hate to see her struggle so much over something that isnt that big of a deal.

back to the grind

so after being a stay at home mama for nearly 10 years, only working part time here and there while attending college full time i finally graduated college with an interdisciplinary degree emphasis in business and humanities i prayed and prayed for a full time position at the school where my children attend and where i had been working part time in the preschool and special needs department. after filling out applications for 6 different positions and praying very hard I GOT A FULL TIME POSITION. in fact at the school where i was already working and my kids go. i am now the new full time kindergarten instructional assistant and i can not even express how excited i am about this. not only am i full time and able to help more to provide for my family but my two boys ryder and gage are also going to be in kindergarten therefore while working i will also be able to be there for all their special moments and partake in them with them. the LORD is good and always provides and never fails us and for that i so thankful.

wrecking ball

one year ago this month i came back in contact with someone from high school. this person was a friend of mine, i met him my sophomore year, he was a junior, he was very kind, caring, poetic with words, and quite good looking, however at the time of me meeting him i had already been with jason for nearly 2 years and was madly in love already. there was a time while we were in high school that he had made it known to me that he wanted to be more than friends with me but respect my relationship with jason. i cant lie i had gained feelings for him and therefore had to end our friendship because i was not willing to give up anything that i had with jason (i still am not willing to do so) jason and i have now been together for 15 years now and married for 11 of those and have 2 beautiful children a wonderful home and an amazing life. i am still madly in love with jason. no relationship is perfect and this time last year we were in the middle of a rough patch when i came  back in contact with this guy on facebook. it has been 12 years since i have seen him (i will refer to him as BAS) and throughout those 12 years i have always thought of him, wondered where he was, how he was doing, and would have dreams all the time of seeing him and not being able to reach him. it really has been something that has "haunted" me from the last time i saw him. so when i found him on facebook a year ago i was overly excited to hear from him again. i lit up like i havent in years, of course it probably was not the best time for the reconnection and especially the fact that he let me know that he still felt the same way about me, was so glad to have found me, and was full of all kinds of flattery that i wasnt getting from the man that was suppose to be doing those things. dont get me wrong nothing inappropriate happened, we didnt meet up or anything like that, i wouldnt do that but i cant lie and say that it didnt bring up some feelings of "what if" and the fact that i may have always had some kind of feelings for BAS since i have always thought of him and wondered. all these years of thinking of him and wondering about him had a hold on me so when i found him i didnt want to let it go, somehow i feel like i need him in my life and i dont know what to do about it or where he would fit in my life anyways. we ended the reconnection and communication because i was very confused and afraid of what might happen but now i feel devastated that i cant talk to him and stuff like i have lost him all over again like i did 12 years ago when he graduated and moved away. and i dont know if i can handle that again, i feel like i need him someway and i just dont know, i still freaking think about him every single day...what is wrong with me, what should i do?  

twitching eyes

        wow where to even start it has been a while since i blogged... sooo ill start with the good things that have been going on. after years of lots of volunteer work at south green elem i applied and was hired for the preschool assistant position and it was nothing shy of a prayer answered because i was needing a job terribly and this one could be no more perfect for me and my family situation because not only does it give us extra income and make me actually feel as if i am helping out which is something i havent felt in a long time but i get to work at the school that my children attend, i get to be there with them and leave with them in the afternoons and i will be able to be out when they are out and in when they are in, which is exactly what i needed because i cant afford babysitting and i have major trust issues with sitters also. jason took a pay cut a while back and went to day so that he could have more time with the kids in the evenings which was a hard move but def the best move and we just found out this week that he will now be moving back to his old position and pay rate but will remain on day shift and still be able to see me and the kids...awesome awesome awesome.
        I was finally able to confront my father in law with everything i have ever wanted to say to him after receiving some hateful text from him, i cant lie i went off the deep end a little bit but it needed to be done and i feel so much better now that i have been able to get it all off my chest. on another note i still have no type pf relationship with my sister or her daughter and i dont ever see that changing either, things have gone far beyond repair in my book and it is what it is and i am finally ok with that. i still love my "niece" payton.
        Ok now on to why i think my eye has been twitching all damn week...i know too much... let me start this off with this, i must looks crazy, i must just walk into a place and people can just feel that i am crazy therefore that enables them to come to with all their crazy even when i dont even know them like that....soooo first off a guy friend came to me and told me he thinks he is gay but he doesnt want to be, i dont know what to say to that, then another guy came to me in a very oddly way and informed me that he was a cross dresser and i barely know this guy, i dont know what to say to that either. one of my friends is getting a divorce because her husband cheated, another is getting a divorce just because and there is another couple in my life that i truely believe should get a divorce, it must be something in the air. and then there is still that one friend that i never hear from unless she wants an alibi, and this week i finally decided to end a so called friendship because it was doing nothing but messing with my head in a very bad, possible life ruining way. not that much of this stuff is actually effecting me personally but its all in my head going around and around so yes im sure you can see that all this is probably the reason my freakin eye has been twitching for the last week...i sure hope that ends soon its driving me crazy.
               Back on the lighter note, me and jason are doing much better, we are working hard on it, and all my true friendships like my sister heather, my chunky dunker, jodie, and my sweet terrie are fantabulous right now and i hope they stay that way. and i also registered for classes again starting in january after sitting this one out again...im excited to get back at it because im soooo close to finishing with a business degree but im nervous because they classes are getting harder and i have so much other stuff on my plate right now but it will all work out things always do because i have the good Lord on my side and i always will.