leave it to my daughter

Riveranne just turned 6 years old but has always from day one had the mentality of a child much older. I believe it comes from her being with me day in and day out before she went to school and me always talking to her like she was grown, no baby talk. My mother says i was the very same way so she must get it honest. She has always talked about and played like she was grown with a husband and kids, she already has names picked out for her kids, my four grandkids 2 girls and 2 boys, Shyli Lo, kyla, Brick, and Jake. she wants to be a wife and a mother just like me. she is very smart also, and has common sense something that alot of adults dont even have. and even though she is very grown in the way she thinks, acts and talks she still have that childish carefree way about it.

 Tonight i decided to go get some junk food after it had already gotten dark out, she was so shocked that the stores were still open so late (8pm) when i informed her that alot of them stay open all night long and said "shew wee i couldnt ever work at a place that stays open all night cause i would get so tired and might fall asleep and not know when it is time to get off and go home." i just giggled. after leaving Food Lion with our junk food in the car on the way home Riveranne told me she wanted to be a cashier, the person that we give our money too because it would be so cool to get to keep all that money...i then told her that the cashiers dont get to keep all that money, and she said " you mean the owner gets it all, thats not fair" i said yeah the owner gets all that money and then...and she jumped right in and said " and then they give the cashiers a paycheck for doing all the work so good right?" and i said yes! she then asked me who the owner of Food Lion was and i said well its a man named Food Lion and she got really queit...after a few minutes she spoke back up and said in a very questionable voice " you mean to tell me there is a man named Food Lion....Food lion really?" i just busted out laughing, it was soooo funny!!! i couldnt fool her! she acts and just like me, which people tend to think im a bit crazy but i love it and i totally love that she is just like me! she my bestest girl in the world and she knows it.

what i love most

sitting back in the beach chair, sunglasses on, yet eyes closed, all oiled up. putting my face to the sky and feeling the sun on my face, on my body, hot and tingling. sitting there all layed out soaking up all the sun i can until i cant take it anymore then jumping into the cold water, its shocking at first but feels so good. i love sitting there watching my children, jumping into the pool, splashing, floating, playing and laughing, there is nothing better than seeing the smiles on their faces and hearing them giggle and laugh, it warms my heart while the sun warms my body. i love sitting there with my very best friends in the world, chatting, laughing, being able to take about anything and be completely myself, snapping pictures, and gossiping about the latest drama going on. we sit at the kiddie pool cause all our kids are very small so we wait for the whissle so we can grab our kids and head to take a dip in the big pool in peace...its relaxing, its fun, we all love it.

coming home from a day in the sun and cooling off in the awesome AC, getting out of our wet clothes and me and my two babies crawl into my big bed, snuggling all together, watching cartoons until they drift off into a nap, i lay there looking at them, so sweet and innocent, their heads laying on my arm and me running my hands threw their hair or rubbing their backs while they rest until i myself fall into a nap...sooo lovely!!

and after all the fun there comes a time where i actually get to cook and clean up the house while the kids continue playing. then we go to the back yard where i watch them swing, run, pull each other in the wagon, ride their bikes and play and laugh, while the bugs bite my legs....but i love it all

finally, sitting on the porch on a warm summer evening, high on the hill where my house sits out looking the city in which we live, watching the sun set and feeling the breeze. the lightning bugs are flying around and my children along with the two dogs are running around, playing, and laughing. so relaxing. then coming in getting ready for bed, watching some tv and snuggling on the couch, tickling them, getting sweet kisses and hugs and say "i love you" over and over again until it is time to tuck my sweet angels in their beds...and of course i go back in to check on them before i go to bed, to make sure they are comfortable, sleeping well and perfect, and you know they always are...this is the life i live and i wouldnt change a thing, its a better life than i could ever asks for, i have been so blessed.

what more?

what more do you want from me? i try so hard to let things go, to move on, and pretend things havent happened and things havent been said but i have the hardest time with it. i am the biggest grudge holder i know, i cant help it, i have always been this way and i just dont see the point in trying to forgive and pretend nothing ever happened when i know it will happen again and in all the situations i have been in where i have tried to move on and forget, it has always happened again and again. what more do you want from me? so i was told i dont put forth enough effort, when in all honesty you dont put forth enough effort, i invite you and you dont come...what am i suppopse to do about it, i cant make you care or feel like you should be there when you obviously dont but get upset with me when i stop inviting you. its a waste of breath on my part. we can talk about it all you want but nothing ever changes.

on a better note: my baby girl is now 6 years old and she had the best birthday ever, we had the biggest crowd ever and lots and lots of fun...i cant tell you how proud i am of her she is such a big girl, very respectful and smart. you dont get any better than her and my boog. im just so glad that she has soooo many awesome people in her life to love her. the toys have taken over my house and i love every bit of it. my best friend jenn got married a week ago and i am so very happy for her, she finally has a wonderful man in her life that loves her and her baby girls as much as they deserve. it hurt my heart so bad that i couldnt be there with her on her special day but at least she knows i was there in spirit and that i love her to pieces. i have seen her go through stuff she shouldnt have ever had to go through, but now she has someone that loves her and her babies finally have the daddy they needed.

i am loving this warm weather, i live for summer time. my daughter got a summer pass to the city pool for her birthday and we have already been living there, have so much fun and getting a good tan, we all just love it and it give us something we can all do as a family during the summer.

well all in all my life is great, i cant complain cause i have all i could ever want. and with that being said...bye

unconscious thoughts

       For my whole relationship i have had dreams about my hubby cheating on me. Very weird dreams that occur roughly a couple times a month and take right off from one another like a story. They are extremely real and the ones you just cant help but think about all day long, its really bothering me. Some people say its normal, some people say its healthy but i just think it is driving me crazy. The actually have been more realistic lately and more often as well, and even though i never not even once have i ever really thought jason was cheating on me i still have these dreams!
      Not all of my dreams are about jason cheating on me, i have several dreams about an old friend of mine that i havent seen in years and years. I have dreams that i see him and i cant get to him or that someone knows where he is and they wont tell me and other dreams too. Its also a dream i have very often and is odd to me sometimes, i dont even think of him in my everyday life yet i dream of him nearly every single week. i wonder what that means, it really does make me rack my brain sometimes and really bothers me. what does these dreams really mean, whats going on in my head that i myself dont even know about, am i in some kind of denial about soemthings, whats the deal.

i give up

it seems as the days go on and i try and believe things are all gonna work out some way or another i just keep getting disapointed. not like gas isnt high enough and hard enough to fill my big ass gas gusler up but everytime i have put a bunch of money worth of gas in the suburban it has broke down and i havent even been able to drive it, so there it is just sitting in the drive way with a nearly full tank of gas and full of money i didnt have to begin with and i cant even use it. we have fixed more things than i can even count or name just to try and sell the damn thing and it just keeps on messing up. what in the hell!!! i just dont understand it. And then my husband just keeps getting madder and madder about it all yet he is not willing to stop spending money on stuff we dont need like tv's and speakers and customizing our other blazer with every bit of the extra money we have instead of trying to figure out and get whatever is wrong with the one vehicle i have to depend on to get my and the kids around and the one vehicle that we are trying to sell. who is gonna buy a truck that doesnt run...NOONE!!! but no he just keeps on fussing about having to use "his" money to fix things on it. whenever i have "my" money which is not often but when i do it always goes to bills or something like that, never to anything i just want...

and not only is something always wrong with the truck but someone is always sick, first my daughter then my son then the hubby and then me, and who is the one they all want to take care of them? ME good ole mommy but as i have said many many times before when mommy finally gets down sick no one is there to take of me... so here i am sick yet still having to do everything around here, i am so exhausted, and sick, and my nerves are shot, im really thinking im gonna have to take up some kind of habit just to get me through. maybe drinking or something, maybe that would make me feel better cause these nerve pill they gave me sure arent working. i dont know what im gonna do. i couldnt even tell ya the last time i really felt calm, relaxed, with nothing on my mind to worry me to death, its literally always something around here. i need a job yet i cant get one because i dont have anyone to watch the kids. there no winning for loosing.

more things that irritate me to death.

1. When people use things that are yours and treat it with no respect, and then ends up tearing it up and wont replace it. They think its no big deal and that they dont have to. Or people that own you money and doesnt think another thing about it, knowing everyone could use extra money now adays but they would rather blow it on stupid stuff than pay back their debts. never loan money to family or friends and expect it back because it will do nothing but ruin your relationship.
2. i hate it when people try and bust you out in front of other people about things they dont even know about, just mind your own business and dont worry about what i do and when i do it, if you are not sleeping with me and paying my bills then you dont have the right to know what i do in my house, with my money, or my time.
3. i cant stand people that run their mouths about other people when they themselve are the very same as them, must be in denial or something because everything they say is exactly the way they are. look in the mirror.
4. and i really cant stand when parents spoil their children and give them any and everything they want whenever they want it. its hilarious yet very annoying at the same time to watch a child run the house, telling the parent how its gonna be and no rules or decipline, its a shame really. the kids arent anything but spoiled little brats that no one can stand being around and will probably end up in jail or something. none of that shit goes on in my house let me tell ya. my kids know im boss and what i say goes.
5. hates it when you call and call and text and text and never get an answer, i mean can you not answer and tell me if you busy or dont want to talk. no response just pisses me off.
6. and having a ton of so called friends and hardly any of them would be there if i really needed them.
7 i cant stand bad drivers and i usually end up with a horrible case of road rage.
8.i hate people that feel like they have to lie all the time to make themselves look better in other peoples eyes. its quite sad really.

things that irritate me to death

1. Girls that feel the need to make sure everyone know they have low self esteem and fish around so that someone will compliment them all the time. really meaning they think they are cute and just need to hear it all the time. It really just gets on my nerves, get over yourself for real. Half the time people just compliment you because you are fishing for one, not really because you are looking cute that day. fishing for compliments is not cute!
2.  I can not stand someone that thinks others own them something because of their race or some other reasons like being a spoiled little brat. get over it and make things happen for yourself instead of relying on others and thinking others owe you this and that. Its ridiculous really. Oh and people who also forget where and who they come from and how they were raised, thinking they are better than their family, hello you came from the same people. and you aren't any better nor should you be ashamed either. such spoiled brats really piss me off.
3. i can not stand family and friends that only use you for what you can do for them and then are done with ya, and not so oddly enough are no where to be found when you need something...funny i think not.
4.i also cant stand horrible parents that fish for praises on how great parents they think they are, things like that are obvious so your not fulling anyone.
5. i hate it how when a man is sick he is up in the bed cant move, cant get up, cant do anything at all but lay there dying but when a woman is sick she still has to do everything like nothing is different with no help and when she does ask for help then she is looked at like she has no right to get sick. its sad a wife and mother can get any help when she is down for the count.
6. liars of all shapes and sizes.
7. two faced people, which is nearly everyone
8. people who talk bad to you about all their family and other friends and then actually believe you think they dont talk about you behind your back.
9. i cant stand people who will tell anyone your best friends but then you never talk, see each other or anything, sorry thats not considered best friends.
10.i cant stand people who keep on talking the same shit over and over and over again every single time they see you, who cares. get over it move on your not the victim your a nut job that causes all the trouble and then lies about it
more to come later