fool me once shame on you...fool me a hundred times shame shame shame on me

I have just recently figured out how dumb i have been to allow someone to take any kind of control over my thoughts and actions. For years now i have done nothing but allowed one single person to, bring me down and keep me down, making me question myself and what kind of person i am and question the way i do things in the different relationships i am in with people. Now for anyone that really knows me, knows that this never happens, which is why i have been questioned by all my friends and family as to why i have allowed this to go on for so many years. and boy is that a good question that i dont really have an answer for. it actually puzzles me too.

I have now come to the conclusion as to why i have allowed this to go on...i am the kind of person that feels sorry for other quickly when they are piteful and mistreated by nearly everyone else, i have the tendency to try and swoop in and by the big hero. i find pleasure in helping other in need and feeling that satisfaction when i have done so. This girl was the perfect situation for me and i was sucked right in cause the poor thing always seemed to have something awful going on in her life, baby dady problems, family problems, boy problems, every single boyfriend had cheated on her and so on and so forth and she would always come running straight to me cause i would listen to all the crap, give truthful advise whether she took it or not, and showed her that someone in her life actually cared for her. i never asked for praise or acknowlegment for all the things i went out of my way to do for, andtrust me she never gave me any either. if i had been the kind of person that only did things for the praise then i would have never done anything else for her ever after the very first time cause she never appreciated a thing i did for her yet used me on and on again whenever something would come up and me being me would always give in and do all in my power for her cause no one else would have and i couldnt just leave her hanging all the time, it was already piteful as it was.

But here was the breaking point in it all, far and few between i have had some issues myself when i could have used her to be there for me as the friend she always said she was to me, but guess what she was never ever to be found when i needed something or someone, the first couple times i was shocked i def thought she would have cared as much for me as i did her and that she would have def been there for me the very same as i did her but after a while i realized in a harsh way that she felt nothing towards me as a friend as i did her, and from there on out i began seeing that if it wasnt me doing this and that for her there was no element to our friendship so for some damn odd reason i began going far and beyond for her to prove to her that i was gonna be the best friend to her that she could ever have and with the hopes that some day she would give half the effort towards me, well that shit never happened.

about five years ago we had our first big arguement over money, money that she owed me and when it all came down it money that she denied oweing me. that was the first time i saw the twists of stores and details unfold from her mouth. that fight threw out a few days resulting in her calling me every name under the sun and she dug for the most hurtful stuff she could find to throw at me, i did lash out back at her after several nasty messages but if you ask her now she has twisted it all around just like every other single situation that has arose. now with the final straw that has broke the camels back she once again showed me no reguard as a friend, and no respect as a person by ignoring phone calls and texts for days, like many times before, and then stood me up when plans had already been done. i simple et her know that i was done, done with the lies, done with the crap, done with whatever it was that she called a friendship between us, done with her. i had finally noticed that i had let her and her antics take over certain aspects of my mind that also effected my life. Not only was i having to deal with the lies, twisting of stories, talking about me behind my back, taking everything she does to people in her life and blaming me for doing them to her, acting out towards me and then denying it all in the same breath, but i was also having to deal with her making me question myself all the time, my mind always in a big jumble trying to figure her out and then letting the anger and hate that she was bring on me for her build up and making me feel as crazy and i was sure she was.

you can only push someone so far before they are no longer willing to put up with you anymore.. and that right there is where i am at, i dont want her in my life anymore, i dont want to know anything going on in her life anymore, i dont want her knowing anything going on in mine, i simple dont want to hear or speak her name anymore or ever see her face again...and as i know you may think this is harsh feelings for someone that i had once been such good friends with but you as a reader wouldnt know that there had never really been a true friendship with us...so after one argument months ago she had said to me that if i ever had a problem come up about us that she wanted me to let her know right then and there so we could talk about it and try and work it all out, well i have tried and tried and tried calling her many times and she will never answer my calls, so what did i do i would write her a message because for some reason she would ignor my calls and text but let me write her a facebook message and she would be all over it, reading it and responding with whatever crazy shit she thought necessary at the moment. she was also one quick to call me childish with the way i would handle things when she was doing the very same things i did but then would deny it all...facebook statues, nasty messages and text (all of which i have saved, and printed for proof) im not stupid but she sure thought i was, she acted like i hadnt been around for 10 years and i didnt know all her antics. and she had the nerve to tell me that i was the only person that has always put her down, kicked her while she was down and never thought another things about it, yet ALL of her other friends have all talked about her horribly behind her back some even at her own wedding, they have all at sometime or another have gotten tired of her crap just like i have and has been done with her until she gets to feeling guilty and comes running back begging. the only friend she hasnt had any problems with is one that live miles away but i assure you if they lived closer and she had to deal with her on a daily basis she would feel the very same. and she claims she has all these friends i dont know about but until recently i had been arund her often and knew everyone she interacted with and recently she has done nothing but sit on the couch at home, sleeping all day and staying up all night in a horrible depression so how in the world has she magically met all these new friends she claims she has...internet maybe. who knows. ut you know im over it and done with it all and ready to jump straight into a stress free life of not having to worry about her all the time...shew wee it really is a weight lifted off my shoulders and so peaceful watching that old raggedy beat todeath bridge burn straight to the ground...

there is plenty more i want to say but i have already spent way more time venting my feelings than i ever should have allowed myself for the simple fact that other than gettng it all off my chest all of this and her are not worth another single second of my life...i will not waste anything else on it...and even thought i know this is gonna be read and twisted and turned to please whatever twisted mind they have i really dont give a shit...this is my blog and i can write whatever i want just like my facebook as well, you write crap aboutme all the time and then call me childish when i do but i dont care anymore, read it and take and run with it all you want.

been a while

 well the cooler weather is apon us and i cant lie im actually really liking it, wearing jeans and a tshirt is so me... not that i am looing forward to winter cause i am NOT...i dont like cold weather and i def dont like snow... shew wee i have been so busy lately i dont even know if im coming or going, the bread job has been going good for me, but i was a little stressed when i had to cover my sisters bread job also when she was gone to miami to get married and honeymoon on a cruise...so glad she is back and im back to just mine. the extra money is nice as well. school has been going good as well im really enjoying all of my classes. riveranne is doing great in school as well, she is so smart. hoping after this friday when she get her tubes put in her hearing will be better and she wont have any troubles. i sure hope so anyways, i have been terribly worried about her over it. got ryder an apointment also so if he has problems with his ears maybe we can nip it in the bud before he goes to school next year.

Riveranne started he first season of soccer with the rec. dept. its way better than soccer at the ymca cause they are actually teaching them how to play instead of just letting them run arond kicking the ball. she is doing so well but i knew she would. ryder wats to play so badly, i cant wait until spring cause he will be able to start his first season at the ymca...i love being a soccer mom!!!

My aunt and uncle are doing well, im s thankful for that, i really could have lost them. they had a motorcycle accident on august 21st and after my uncle was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks he is home recovering with fractured shoulder,  vertebra in his neck, and broke ribs, my aunt is also home recovering with a boken back but at least they are alive...had a benefit for them a week ago and it went great but they still need alot of help. they have always been like parents to me so i dont know what i would have done if something would have happened to them. i cant even describe how grateful i am that the Lord was with them.

 and with this little update of whats been going on in my life there def will be more to come because i have so many stories to share...but now i have to run to class just thought i would sit here write and chill for a minute.

the bread of life

I GOT A JOB!!! i dont even know how to act...it has literally been nearly 7 years since i had a real job making real money. i so excited, nervous, exhausted, happy...you name it i am it!!! I am a ne employee of lewis bakery and i stock and straighten the bread at the houchens grocery store right here next to my house...how more convient could it be. and to top it off, it only takes me 45 minutes each morning and thats it!!! and i get free bread and over $100 a week, its so perfect i cant even believe it...With all the excitement i have about it and finally being able to make some money to help my family financially i have a little nervousness in me as well...Now not only am i a fulltime mom and wife, fulltime student, an indepentant thirty-one consultant, and an extreme couponer, but now im adding working citizen to that as well...im a little nervouse that i have taken on to much for myself and i would be devastated if i wasnt successful at each and everything im doing at the moment....and with us making it just fine right now with only my husband;s income im so excited for all the extra stuff we are gonna be able to do since i will be contributing a little as well!!! i know this is short and sweet but i just wanted to share the more awesome new that i have gotten....im blessed...too blessed to be stressed!!!

a tortured mind

      As a small child I was nothing like I am now when it comes to people. I would have tiffs with my friends and get right over it and go on like nothing had ever happened. I would never really think about it (the fight) again. I had so many friends and always had a great time with them all.
      As a teenager I was put in a situation that i believe changed me forever when it comes to walls being put up and the way i handle certain things. I lived in house with someone that was nice one minute and the devil the next, lied on me and tried to turn certain members of my family against me, would run off more times than i could ever count and would always be welcomed back. I could actually write for days and says about that situation i was in but all i will say now is that it was a horrbile one that wouldnt ever wish on anyone. It was then that i realized that I couldnt really trust anyone because the ones that i was suppose to be able to trust, confide in, and love and recieve love from where the ones cause the worse pain ever in my life. I then built a concrete wall around myself, for a long time i didnt care about hardly anything, or anyone, even myself at times. It now takes me a very long time to get into a relationship (friendship) with someone, and even longer to really feel comfortable around then and trust them with anything going on in my life.
      Dont get me wrong i have friends, im married, and most of the time everything is perfectly fine but i will say that once an issue arises, it doesnt matter what is said, if i feel like i have been turned on, lied too, or attacked, Up goes the wall and usually the relationship is over. I have very low tolerance for that kind of stuff. So what has happen when a very close friend on mine and i had a problem, well i have held on to it, cant stop thinking about it, dwell on it, and i get angry all over again every single time i do it. I tried to let it go, to move on, like nothing had ever happened, and continue with the friendship we had, had before and even though i have tried so hard, deep in the back of mind there is still the wall up, cause i feel like it has happened once, so it will most definatly happen again. In most cases it has happened again, so i have good reasoning i guess. i find myself second guessing myself as to why i am even trying to keep the friendship going cause i know something is gonna happen again, therefore subconsiously i hold back from the relationship...i hold grudges, i never forget, i have trouble forgiving, and i tend to be quite spiteful as well...i dont like these things but even when i try i cant seem to get past those things. i dont know what to do about it...i want to be able to forgive and forget, to move on and never think about these things again.. but i dont know how...i find myself when things are going good sitting thinking about all the bad things. oh well...

the beginning of my wonderful life

12 years ago this september 9th i began dating a wonderful boy, so sweet, didnt drink, didnt smoke, stayed out of trouble and was sooo good to me. he came into my life at a very difficult time in my life and was just what i needed.  with all the loser i had dated before him, i was hooked very early in. both of us were still in school and had jobs but every single free moment we were together. Always hanging out at one of our houses or the other, riding the strip, hanging out with all our friends, movies, dinner and anything else as long as we were together. it was so odd how much we had in common and how comfortable we were with each other. i knew he would be the one i married for sure. 2 years into our relationship he purposed to me, i said yes and then we were married on this day august 8th 8 years ago. I can honestly say that he has given me more than i could ever ask for in a husband, 2 beautiful children that he is a wonderful father to. he works very hard and takes great care of us. And even though he isnt the romantic type and doesnt always show me the way i would like for him to, i know he loves me for me. and i cant even described how much i love him...he is my bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate! i truely believe God made him only for me!!! and then of course the fact alone that he has put up with me all these years must say something about how much he loves me cause i know i am not always the easiest person to get along with...I love you more today than yesturday and only half as much as i will tomorrow Robert Jason Heller!!! thank you for saving my life!

endings and new beginnings

      Even though the warm weather is here for a while longer, my summer break with my babies is nearing its end and my sad face is showing. I have taken full advantage of this summer break. With a summer pass to the pool, the kids and i have practically lived there, we are all nice and golden brown, Riveranne has made such progress with the water this summer going from not even wanting a drop to get in her face to swimming like a little fish under the water without holding her nose, Im such a proud mama! Ryder has also made huge strides for him, last year he was the baby on the side of the pool that would rarely even get in, this year he got in had a ball and wasnt afraid at all...hes such a big boy!!! and me well i just loved seeing them have a blast while i got my tan on. Having a great tan always makes me feel great. Along with funfilled days with my babies i have also taken full advantage of being able to stay up late watching movies with nowhere to be in the morning and no bedtime in site...i have had a movie addiction really this summer, i have watched a ton and it has been so nice to just have that quiet time to myself after the kids go to bed yet before jason gets home from work...it has been awesome and im terribly sad to see it come to an end... its gonna take me forever to get back on schedule, im gonna be death for the first couple of weeks...shew wee im tired thinking about it.
      For a long long time i havent worked a public job and even though it has been a mutual decission between me and my husband and he make plenty of money to pay all our bills and such i have felt terrible that i havent been contributing to our family financially. I took the biggest step last year when i decided to sign up for school again and i was so determined to be focused and do well and i did just that and i was so proud of myself. With my second semester coming up soon i cant lie, i am so very excited about it, i actually really enjoyed school last year and the feeling of actually being productive in my life, other than taking care of the kids and the house, made all the difference to me. So this semester i am taking my first meteorology class and that in itsself is what i am most excited about, if you know me and my love for weather then you will totally understand. After taking this class i will decide then whether i am going to continue with a degree in acounting or change it to meteorology...of course in my heart i really want to do meteorology... But on to my point, with the biggest step in helping my family financially being taken, i have recently decided to take yet another step. I signed up to be a thirty-one consultant. I am so very excited about this cause i love all the products and im sure everyone else will also. I hope that i will be able to kick this off right with all the support and help from my friends and family. Not only will it be fun for me but i sure hope that i can make a lil extra money so its a win win situation!!! so heres my shout out, let me know if your interested in booking a party or placing an order with me!!!
     Like being a full-time mother and wife, a full-time student, and a thirty-one consultant werent enough i have now been sucked in by extreme couponing. One of my best friends has been doing it for a while and she created a monster when mentioning it to me..lol. i have been burning up the interenet printing off hundreds of coupons, and new papers for all the coupons i can get, i have my 3 ring binder and my card collecter sleeves to keep them all organized, and as of a couple of days ago my bestie asked me to come along for one of her trips to the store where she taught a few of her secrets and i got entirely to excited about it all and i will now comfirm that i believe i am addicted...yep i am!!! i have even cleaned out our hall closet so it can be where i stash all my goodies!!! there are several of yall out there that will want our secrets but i can share them with everyone, cause i dont want all the deals gone when i want to get them...im selfish i guess!!!
       And as it seems so many things are changing in my wonderfully busy life and i am so very excited about each and everyone of them, there will always be things that will never change no matter how hard i try...just gotta suck it up and keep on with the keepin on. I have a wonderful family and i am so thankful that we are so close my sister is literally my very best friend. me and my friends always have the best time together, we are all crazy and just laugh and laugh and i love it! we are always so comfortable around each other, we dont have to beg and pleed to see each other, regular phone calls and no lies and games!!! Its awesome!!! and im so thankful for all of them. well even thought im so tired i have been fighting sleep for a while cause i just dont want to give in early, its one of the last few night i can actually stay up late...so ill end this now and then prob give on in and hit the sheets!!!

uh oh oh oh oh the right stuff

as back as far as i can remember i have loved the new kids on the block, my sister heather and i used to listen to them every single day, we knew every single word and made up dances to every song. i believe i was 4 or 5 when i first remember loving them, so as soon as i heard that they were doing a tour and was coming to nashville tn only an hour and half away from me there was no if ands or buts that heather and i were going no matter what. and with tickets purchased we headed out and had the best time ever. it was like we were small kids all over again singing and dancing along with each song. it was by far the best concert we had ever been to. danny wood was always my favorite and jordan knight was heathers and we were in love and lets just say they all look so much better now as grown men, yum!!! and then only a month after the concert there we were again purchasing more tickets to see them again in louisville ky only 2 hours away with one of our friends to see them again cause we couldnt get enough and yet again it was amazing, leaving me completely obsessed with them, even my kids are learning the words to their songs cause i have been listening to them so much.

summer break is nearing the end and we have had so much fun this summer, lots and lots of pool time with lots of our friends and i just love sun bathing and i actually got me a good tan this year. i took the kids to the county fair and even though i was disappointed in it the kids still had a really good time riding rides and being with friends. and evene though we have had a wonderful summer and we hate to see it end riveranne is very excited to go back to school and be in the first grade and im very excited to start this next semester of college where i am going to be taking my first meteorology class and i just cant wait. i really do enjoy going to school and i take pride in how well i did last semester and im hoping to do just as well this time, im gonna give it my all thats for sure. its great to have something to do that is actual progress towards something that will help my family. its been a while since i felt like i was actually doing something good for my family.

i have also decided to go on yet another adventure and come august first i will be a new 31 distributor. im very excited for this as well. they have so many cute and useful items that i am in love with and i really miss doing in home parties and stuff like that, at least these items are more people friendly than the last ones i sold...lol....so hopefully ill be able to do really well with it with the support from my family and friends. lots of cool items for me, flexable hours, a little extra income, my own business, and fun! what more could you want. so if you want something or would like to take advantage of hostess only items and getting free stuff let me know!!!

hoping for some very exciting changes in the very near future for me and my family. gonna keep it hush hush for now but if things fall into place the way i think they will, well then ill share it with everyone. i have been really really trying hard to let things go, not to hold on to grudges like i always have in the past and trying not to hold things from the past again people, i think im doing better but i cant lie its not an easy task at all, because every other time i have thought everything was going good, i get punched right in the face with a book of things wrong that overwhelmes me and i not sure how to take that and knowing it will more than likely happen again like it has many times already, its hard for me to pretend im over it all and i dont think about it and somewhat hold it against them. because i do but im trying at least or there would be no relationship at all anymore! my family has been all doing really good and im very thankful for that. and now that i have updated everyone on whats been going on in my life lately im gonna end this here.