just call me aunt mama!!!

     Like there isnt enough going on in my life. Like im not already dealing wit a bunch of bullshit from the people around me. Like im not aready stressed to the brim with work school and everything else going on, lack of sleep and being sick for a month now but now i have to deal with crap from my own mother! The one person i never thought would do something like this to me, the one person i talk to several times a day and see nearly everyday as well.
      For years now my mom at different times has let it be know that she thought my father in law was attractive. I took it as a joke and went on with my life. Recently after getting divorced from my mother in law, moving a woman in with him for over two years, kicked her out moved another one in kicked her out and fooled around with at least4 oter woman that i know of and who know how many more my father in law let it be known to my sister that he also found my mother attractive and had thought about asking her out. Yet another statement that we all took as a joke and went on with our lives. That is until somene told me that they had called my mm several times and ech time she was quick to get off the phone because my ather in law was over there at her house. Something i found odd! so i decided to bring it up to my mom, and of course she denied it all but was wondering who had told me, and asked me if someone had seen them out eating together, because they had went out to eat together a few times, so she told on herself right there cause i didnt een know anything about that, she said there was nothing going on between them. i was sooo mad and I let her know in a very serious way how wrong it was and how it better not be happening, she didnt have a choice in the matter. she agreed. then my husband also talked to his father, he also denied it all and said nothing was going on. made up some kind of story as to why he was over at her house and how they just happened to runinto each other at the restuarant when they had both went there aone so they decided to eat together...bullshit!!!
      My husband and i were trying really hard not to over react about it all especially since they both denied anything going on. but BAM did we get slapped in the face last night when someone informed me that on the very day that we had, had our little discussions with each of them, my father in law had been seen at my moms house all evening. I WAS FURIOUS! and snapped on my mother when i saw her shortly after, i told her it was sick, and wrong and what the fuck was she thinking and she had no explanation for her actions other than saying she didnt understand why i was having such a problem with it. she actually laughed it off said whatever and left. i havent spoke to her since! but i did take the time to look at her phone records from which she has a line on our contract and i found there that they have been making phone calls back and forth, several of them for a few weeks now...this made me even madder because a few of those times she had been with me and had lied to me about who had called in.
      The main fact is, if they were only hanging out as friends like they both have said why in the fuck are they sneaking around, and lying about shit. if there is nothing going on then there should be nothing  to hide or lie about in my opinion. and when it comes to my father in law, he doesnt just have woman friends, he aims to get them in the bed and thats about it, i know, i have been seeing him do this for years now. He is also one of those kind of guys that will be with one woman, say he loves her, live with her and everything and talk about her like a dog to every single person he comes in contact with, then end up kicking her to curb but not before he has flirted with everyone woman that shot him a glance while he was still with the other woman...he thinks he is hot and all that when he is nothing but nasty but always talks about the next woman he is going to be with and i be damn if the next one is my mother!!! ok now when it comes to my mother, she has the lowest selfesteem i have ever seen a person before in my life. she is naive and the perfect kind of woman for my father n law cause he likes the ones he can control and run over all the time and that will sit there and take...she know he is a dick head, and treated my mother in law like shit, his fiance tina like shit and every other woman. along with stalking them and doing fucked up things towards them after breaking up, my mother has seen all this. and the main thing i think of is how she has seen him treat me like shit for the whole 12 years that i have been around him. he has never liked me, always put me down and shit so that right there should turn her against him if nothing else does. but nope she doesnt think there is nothing wrong with it, she doesnt understand why im upset, and says that she is just getting to know him when in all reality she already knows him. I dont know what the hell is going on in her mind right now but im not gonna stand for it, so since i know she is a grown ass woman and i cant make it stop, i let her know real quick that if she continued to dothis shit then she or him are welcomed at my house period!!!
       Some people have tried to make light of this situation by making jokes like, if they got together and got married not only would my husband and i be step brother and sister, but i would be aunt mama to my kids and he would be uncle daddy, my kids would be siblings and cousins and even though i am completly aware of the fact that this is kentucky that we live in, that shit is not going down and in all truth this shit isnt funny at all!!!
      So after venting it out here in thi blog i am still furious about it, neither one of them can spit any kind of excuse or explination to me that i will except. Im have said my part and even though i cant really stop it they both know exactly how my husband and i feel about the situation so now we are just sitting back and waiting to see if relationships are going to be ruined over this crap. hell im used to relationships being ruined these days. so bring it on. im prepared!!!

my favorite time of year

HALLOWEEN!!! well actually i just love October, the whole month!!! not only is it the perfect kind of weather, warm durig the day with an awesome breeze and cooler at night, i cant open my windows and just enjoy it all. and my electric bill starts to go down some also which is a plus.

I was also born this month on the 19th 27 years ago so that right there just makes October one awesome month without everything else...lol AND my very handsome son was also born this month, on my birthday 3 years ago so now we get to celebrate double!!! and my bestest friend in the worlds birthday is also this month one week after mine and her daughters birthday too so as you can tell the most awesome people were all born in October!!! Lots of presents, cake, and fun!!! i love pumpkins and going with my babies to pick out just the perfect ones to bring home and carve all kinds of fun faces on them. i love all the awesome scary movies that they play on tv all monh long. i love the haunted houses too.

My brother in law aaron and i have got together for last few years and hit up all the haunted house we can during this month, since my sister nor my husband like doing thosekind of things we decided we wud just get together andgo each year and we have really been able to hit up some really good ones too. last year we too along my step sister who is scared easily and we had so much fu with her, she made the haunted house that was already really good even better we enjoyed laughing at her while she ran and screams and stuff. so far this year we have only went out one night and only hit up 2 haunted house, both were pretty good but we went to the cave of terror in a town close to ours, thinking it was gonna be awesome cause it was in a cave... it started out good then we hit the stairs and had to go down 190 stairs into the cave, it was all foggy and we couldnt even see the steps or the handrails, kind of dangerous if you ask me but neat nonetheless. once we reached the bottom finally we were expecting to continue the haunted house but no...that was the end, they told us to turn around and go straight back up...i was like are you serious, im a fat chick and it wast easy going down all those steps but to turn around and come straight back up, holy shit, i thought i was gonna die for real. i couldnt breath, my knee and ankles were hurting, i couldnt see and shit im fat so i was completely out of breath i thought i was gonna have a heart attack...lol but i cant say it wasnt neat cause it was...now we have plans to hit up several more but we are hoping we can get a few more people to go with us...the more people the funner it is i think...

And then we come to the finale, HALLOWEEN by far my favorite holiday next to christmas of course everyone loves christmas...i love going with my kids and letting them pick out what they want to dress up as, i love taking them trick or treating and seeing them have so much fun, heck i have alot of fun too...and then my sister in law always has a halloween party each year and jason and i always have a blast coming up with awesome costumes usually funy ones for the party, one year we went as the oposite sexes, he dressed as a woman and i dressed as a bike dude, it was awesome, the next year i was a pregnant drinking smoking nun and jason was a streaker, the next year i dressed as an old nasty grandma and he wa a soccer player but last year was by far the best, i dressed as fat anna nicole smith and he went as richard simmons and i mean he went all out for it too, it was hilarious...this year we are going as danny and sandy from grease, should be pretty awesome...we are all suppose to keep our costumes a secret so i hope no one that is going reads this...oh well....

Guess i will en this here and go and enjoy this wonderful month of October as much as i can cause i am so blessed with awesome family and friends. i dont think i have been this happy in years.

fool me once shame on you...fool me a hundred times shame shame shame on me

I have just recently figured out how dumb i have been to allow someone to take any kind of control over my thoughts and actions. For years now i have done nothing but allowed one single person to, bring me down and keep me down, making me question myself and what kind of person i am and question the way i do things in the different relationships i am in with people. Now for anyone that really knows me, knows that this never happens, which is why i have been questioned by all my friends and family as to why i have allowed this to go on for so many years. and boy is that a good question that i dont really have an answer for. it actually puzzles me too.

I have now come to the conclusion as to why i have allowed this to go on...i am the kind of person that feels sorry for other quickly when they are piteful and mistreated by nearly everyone else, i have the tendency to try and swoop in and by the big hero. i find pleasure in helping other in need and feeling that satisfaction when i have done so. This girl was the perfect situation for me and i was sucked right in cause the poor thing always seemed to have something awful going on in her life, baby dady problems, family problems, boy problems, every single boyfriend had cheated on her and so on and so forth and she would always come running straight to me cause i would listen to all the crap, give truthful advise whether she took it or not, and showed her that someone in her life actually cared for her. i never asked for praise or acknowlegment for all the things i went out of my way to do for, andtrust me she never gave me any either. if i had been the kind of person that only did things for the praise then i would have never done anything else for her ever after the very first time cause she never appreciated a thing i did for her yet used me on and on again whenever something would come up and me being me would always give in and do all in my power for her cause no one else would have and i couldnt just leave her hanging all the time, it was already piteful as it was.

But here was the breaking point in it all, far and few between i have had some issues myself when i could have used her to be there for me as the friend she always said she was to me, but guess what she was never ever to be found when i needed something or someone, the first couple times i was shocked i def thought she would have cared as much for me as i did her and that she would have def been there for me the very same as i did her but after a while i realized in a harsh way that she felt nothing towards me as a friend as i did her, and from there on out i began seeing that if it wasnt me doing this and that for her there was no element to our friendship so for some damn odd reason i began going far and beyond for her to prove to her that i was gonna be the best friend to her that she could ever have and with the hopes that some day she would give half the effort towards me, well that shit never happened.

about five years ago we had our first big arguement over money, money that she owed me and when it all came down it money that she denied oweing me. that was the first time i saw the twists of stores and details unfold from her mouth. that fight threw out a few days resulting in her calling me every name under the sun and she dug for the most hurtful stuff she could find to throw at me, i did lash out back at her after several nasty messages but if you ask her now she has twisted it all around just like every other single situation that has arose. now with the final straw that has broke the camels back she once again showed me no reguard as a friend, and no respect as a person by ignoring phone calls and texts for days, like many times before, and then stood me up when plans had already been done. i simple et her know that i was done, done with the lies, done with the crap, done with whatever it was that she called a friendship between us, done with her. i had finally noticed that i had let her and her antics take over certain aspects of my mind that also effected my life. Not only was i having to deal with the lies, twisting of stories, talking about me behind my back, taking everything she does to people in her life and blaming me for doing them to her, acting out towards me and then denying it all in the same breath, but i was also having to deal with her making me question myself all the time, my mind always in a big jumble trying to figure her out and then letting the anger and hate that she was bring on me for her build up and making me feel as crazy and i was sure she was.

you can only push someone so far before they are no longer willing to put up with you anymore.. and that right there is where i am at, i dont want her in my life anymore, i dont want to know anything going on in her life anymore, i dont want her knowing anything going on in mine, i simple dont want to hear or speak her name anymore or ever see her face again...and as i know you may think this is harsh feelings for someone that i had once been such good friends with but you as a reader wouldnt know that there had never really been a true friendship with us...so after one argument months ago she had said to me that if i ever had a problem come up about us that she wanted me to let her know right then and there so we could talk about it and try and work it all out, well i have tried and tried and tried calling her many times and she will never answer my calls, so what did i do i would write her a message because for some reason she would ignor my calls and text but let me write her a facebook message and she would be all over it, reading it and responding with whatever crazy shit she thought necessary at the moment. she was also one quick to call me childish with the way i would handle things when she was doing the very same things i did but then would deny it all...facebook statues, nasty messages and text (all of which i have saved, and printed for proof) im not stupid but she sure thought i was, she acted like i hadnt been around for 10 years and i didnt know all her antics. and she had the nerve to tell me that i was the only person that has always put her down, kicked her while she was down and never thought another things about it, yet ALL of her other friends have all talked about her horribly behind her back some even at her own wedding, they have all at sometime or another have gotten tired of her crap just like i have and has been done with her until she gets to feeling guilty and comes running back begging. the only friend she hasnt had any problems with is one that live miles away but i assure you if they lived closer and she had to deal with her on a daily basis she would feel the very same. and she claims she has all these friends i dont know about but until recently i had been arund her often and knew everyone she interacted with and recently she has done nothing but sit on the couch at home, sleeping all day and staying up all night in a horrible depression so how in the world has she magically met all these new friends she claims she has...internet maybe. who knows. ut you know im over it and done with it all and ready to jump straight into a stress free life of not having to worry about her all the time...shew wee it really is a weight lifted off my shoulders and so peaceful watching that old raggedy beat todeath bridge burn straight to the ground...

there is plenty more i want to say but i have already spent way more time venting my feelings than i ever should have allowed myself for the simple fact that other than gettng it all off my chest all of this and her are not worth another single second of my life...i will not waste anything else on it...and even thought i know this is gonna be read and twisted and turned to please whatever twisted mind they have i really dont give a shit...this is my blog and i can write whatever i want just like my facebook as well, you write crap aboutme all the time and then call me childish when i do but i dont care anymore, read it and take and run with it all you want.

been a while

 well the cooler weather is apon us and i cant lie im actually really liking it, wearing jeans and a tshirt is so me... not that i am looing forward to winter cause i am NOT...i dont like cold weather and i def dont like snow... shew wee i have been so busy lately i dont even know if im coming or going, the bread job has been going good for me, but i was a little stressed when i had to cover my sisters bread job also when she was gone to miami to get married and honeymoon on a cruise...so glad she is back and im back to just mine. the extra money is nice as well. school has been going good as well im really enjoying all of my classes. riveranne is doing great in school as well, she is so smart. hoping after this friday when she get her tubes put in her hearing will be better and she wont have any troubles. i sure hope so anyways, i have been terribly worried about her over it. got ryder an apointment also so if he has problems with his ears maybe we can nip it in the bud before he goes to school next year.

Riveranne started he first season of soccer with the rec. dept. its way better than soccer at the ymca cause they are actually teaching them how to play instead of just letting them run arond kicking the ball. she is doing so well but i knew she would. ryder wats to play so badly, i cant wait until spring cause he will be able to start his first season at the ymca...i love being a soccer mom!!!

My aunt and uncle are doing well, im s thankful for that, i really could have lost them. they had a motorcycle accident on august 21st and after my uncle was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks he is home recovering with fractured shoulder,  vertebra in his neck, and broke ribs, my aunt is also home recovering with a boken back but at least they are alive...had a benefit for them a week ago and it went great but they still need alot of help. they have always been like parents to me so i dont know what i would have done if something would have happened to them. i cant even describe how grateful i am that the Lord was with them.

 and with this little update of whats been going on in my life there def will be more to come because i have so many stories to share...but now i have to run to class just thought i would sit here write and chill for a minute.

the bread of life

I GOT A JOB!!! i dont even know how to act...it has literally been nearly 7 years since i had a real job making real money. i so excited, nervous, exhausted, happy...you name it i am it!!! I am a ne employee of lewis bakery and i stock and straighten the bread at the houchens grocery store right here next to my house...how more convient could it be. and to top it off, it only takes me 45 minutes each morning and thats it!!! and i get free bread and over $100 a week, its so perfect i cant even believe it...With all the excitement i have about it and finally being able to make some money to help my family financially i have a little nervousness in me as well...Now not only am i a fulltime mom and wife, fulltime student, an indepentant thirty-one consultant, and an extreme couponer, but now im adding working citizen to that as well...im a little nervouse that i have taken on to much for myself and i would be devastated if i wasnt successful at each and everything im doing at the moment....and with us making it just fine right now with only my husband;s income im so excited for all the extra stuff we are gonna be able to do since i will be contributing a little as well!!! i know this is short and sweet but i just wanted to share the more awesome new that i have gotten....im blessed...too blessed to be stressed!!!

a tortured mind

      As a small child I was nothing like I am now when it comes to people. I would have tiffs with my friends and get right over it and go on like nothing had ever happened. I would never really think about it (the fight) again. I had so many friends and always had a great time with them all.
      As a teenager I was put in a situation that i believe changed me forever when it comes to walls being put up and the way i handle certain things. I lived in house with someone that was nice one minute and the devil the next, lied on me and tried to turn certain members of my family against me, would run off more times than i could ever count and would always be welcomed back. I could actually write for days and says about that situation i was in but all i will say now is that it was a horrbile one that wouldnt ever wish on anyone. It was then that i realized that I couldnt really trust anyone because the ones that i was suppose to be able to trust, confide in, and love and recieve love from where the ones cause the worse pain ever in my life. I then built a concrete wall around myself, for a long time i didnt care about hardly anything, or anyone, even myself at times. It now takes me a very long time to get into a relationship (friendship) with someone, and even longer to really feel comfortable around then and trust them with anything going on in my life.
      Dont get me wrong i have friends, im married, and most of the time everything is perfectly fine but i will say that once an issue arises, it doesnt matter what is said, if i feel like i have been turned on, lied too, or attacked, Up goes the wall and usually the relationship is over. I have very low tolerance for that kind of stuff. So what has happen when a very close friend on mine and i had a problem, well i have held on to it, cant stop thinking about it, dwell on it, and i get angry all over again every single time i do it. I tried to let it go, to move on, like nothing had ever happened, and continue with the friendship we had, had before and even though i have tried so hard, deep in the back of mind there is still the wall up, cause i feel like it has happened once, so it will most definatly happen again. In most cases it has happened again, so i have good reasoning i guess. i find myself second guessing myself as to why i am even trying to keep the friendship going cause i know something is gonna happen again, therefore subconsiously i hold back from the relationship...i hold grudges, i never forget, i have trouble forgiving, and i tend to be quite spiteful as well...i dont like these things but even when i try i cant seem to get past those things. i dont know what to do about it...i want to be able to forgive and forget, to move on and never think about these things again.. but i dont know how...i find myself when things are going good sitting thinking about all the bad things. oh well...

the beginning of my wonderful life

12 years ago this september 9th i began dating a wonderful boy, so sweet, didnt drink, didnt smoke, stayed out of trouble and was sooo good to me. he came into my life at a very difficult time in my life and was just what i needed.  with all the loser i had dated before him, i was hooked very early in. both of us were still in school and had jobs but every single free moment we were together. Always hanging out at one of our houses or the other, riding the strip, hanging out with all our friends, movies, dinner and anything else as long as we were together. it was so odd how much we had in common and how comfortable we were with each other. i knew he would be the one i married for sure. 2 years into our relationship he purposed to me, i said yes and then we were married on this day august 8th 8 years ago. I can honestly say that he has given me more than i could ever ask for in a husband, 2 beautiful children that he is a wonderful father to. he works very hard and takes great care of us. And even though he isnt the romantic type and doesnt always show me the way i would like for him to, i know he loves me for me. and i cant even described how much i love him...he is my bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate! i truely believe God made him only for me!!! and then of course the fact alone that he has put up with me all these years must say something about how much he loves me cause i know i am not always the easiest person to get along with...I love you more today than yesturday and only half as much as i will tomorrow Robert Jason Heller!!! thank you for saving my life!