taken over

i have been getting sick to my stomach for months now, no good reason at all. it will hit me all of a sudden, i will get sick and then i am fine, hungry even. i dont know what is causing it or how to stop it but all i know is it is ruining my life...i hate to throw up, im terrified of it actually...i call myself pukeaphobic but im sure there is a real term for it...i get all nervous and go into complete panic attack over me or someone else being sick at their stomach. this is why this has been very difficult for me, well other than also being sick and not knowing why and being sick enough that i have actually lost 40 lbs over it...i have gotten sick three days in a row now and today i find myself sitting here so very hungry and terrified to eat anything because im afraid i will get sick. it has taken over my life because i think of it constantly, every single time i feel hungry, and every single time i go to put something in my mouth, i find myself thinking nothing ever sounds good to eat because my train of thought is what would be the least worst to throw up. it is starting to interfere with my time with my kids and being able to do things with them without having to worry about it and it is putting a strain on my relationship with my husband also because he is tired of hearing me get sick all the time. i really cant help it, and i have prayed and prayed about it every day and every night and still nothing has changed....i dont know what i am suppose to do or how to fix it so as of right now im just dealing, or actually im not!!!!!

government controls

the government controls everything...when are some people going to understand this...im not saying that i agree or disagree with the outcome of the trayvon and zimmermen case because truely i have not watched it or kept up with all the details to give my true opinion but either way guys, this is not the first time a child has been murdered, and this is not the first time that someone who committed  murder has walked free. Thousands of men, women, and children, are murdered every single day in this horrible world that we live in. 99% of them we will never even know about, why because the government chooses which ones to make public due to which ones they think will cause the most attention and contraversy (sp). whether you want to believe this or not this one was chosen for the simple fact that racism matters could apply and they knew people would run with that and make a big deal of out of it. if you know me you know i am the last person that would ever be thought of as racist, but its the truth because the government like to cause drama, its full of it, they like to try and play us against each other, what will get the most attention and most rating when broad casted on tv. its sad really  and i am not say dont show support to which ever side of the case you support but educate yourself by research and find out how many horrible horrible things happen in this world that we never even knew anything about...its all government controlled.

back with a vengeance

        It has been way to long since i have sit down and just started writing all that was on my mind. i let a couple of people that couldnt handle the things i was writing effect me and stop me from doing so but that changes today. when i sit down at this computer and just write whatever is on my mind, it helps me, its like talking it all over with someone, getting it off my chest and it helps me from holding it all in( like i tend to do ) and then blowing up later. This is why i have decided to start this blog back up, it will prob not all be nice but the way i see it is, if you dont like what i have to say then you dont have to read it, this is my blog, and i can write and say whatever i want whenever i want and thats exactly what im fixing to do with hopes in not to overwhelm everyone.....lol
       man where to begin, i have had so many things happen. first off i have been having some bad health issues that i am still trying to figure out, nerves been all out of whack and after the fourth different med i think i might actually have the one thats gonna help but its still a waiting game. i have also been having some major stomach issues resulting it me vomiting a few times a week, first i thought it was my nerves but now im not so sure, if you know me you know that i am pukeaphobic therefore i will do anything in my power not to get sick to my stomach and nothing has been working, its a day to day struggle where i have changed my eating habits drastically and lost 40 lbs, i worry every single time i put something in my mouth whether or not it will end up making me sick. im not sure what is causing it and i dont know how to stop it so like i said its a day to day struggle that i am trying to deal with.
       Jason decided a few months ago that his position at his job was not worth all the time he was missing with the kids so he decided to step down, take a huge pay cut, and finally after 6 years there he went to day shift, it has been a huge adjustment for all of us, the plus side, we get to see jason a whole lot more and he has a lot more day off now, the down side, the pay cut of course that is making "living" a bit more difficult especially since i have not finished school yet and i do not have a job. we are working with what we have and we always make ends meet but its not easy. since school has been out we have been doing our usual routine of hitting the pool up as much as possible getting our swim and tan on and riveranne has just made me so proud this summer, she can swim a whole lot better this summer and just jumps in and does her thing and has sooo much fun and i love it, ryder does too but of course with his lifejacket on!!!! i will say this summer seems to be going by so fast for some reason though and that i am not ready for because i am not ready for school to start back for the kids or for me and the early bedtimes and early mornings, shew wee...the good thing for me is i was able to apply for graduation already and if everything goes as planned i will be graduating in dec 2014 with a business management degree so thats a plus because thats only 3 semesters away.
       I have been having issues with one of my sisters for a long time now and i wont go into all of it but i will say that i have been able to accept the outcome, and deal with being "banned" from their lives alot better than i thought i would. its funny how easy it has been for me, normally i dont even give it thought until they play little games with me and then well you know me, it can get ugly, but then im right back to living my life without them, and you know what its ok with me! i have everything i need when it comes to family and friends, im blessed even though its not always peachy. no one needs people in their lives that think they are better, or think that you arent good enough, there comes a time when you just need to realize its not worth the trouble family or not, and just move on...and i think im doing that pretty well.
       well i think this is enough chatter for one blog but i will be back...i promise and it will not be long either...lol it feels good to and im not giving it up anymore because some people cant handle it.

this is gonna be a doozie

       We are only 4 months into this new year of 2013 and i can honestly say it has been nothing shy of a year from hell so far. i cant even remember a time when so many bad things have happened or been going on that i have had to deal with. And might i add i have not been dealing very well with it all resulting in many trips to the dr and many different medication changes to help me get my mind right and stay half way sane. one way for me to cope has always been to talk it out or write my feelings out so here goes on my rant as you will....
        First off after year of my baby girl having vomiting spells and no one knowing what was causing them she had an appendix attack on January 9th and had to have surgery to remove it on January 10th, it was by the most horrible things i have ever gone through when it comes to my babies. It killed me having to see her go through that at only 7 years old even though she was a trooper and did extremely well. I was terrified. she was in the hospital for 2 whole days before being able to come home and those were two whole days of me sitting there with (i would have had it any other way) without sleep. it came to a point where i thought i was literally having a breakdown over it. my mom was a big help during the whole thing, and my sister heather also as much as she could be due her schedule and being sick at the time but the one person that was suppose to be there for his daughter and his wife was not...at least not in the way i feel like he should have been. i actually felt alone during that time, having to do everything by myself, he kept our son occupied the majority of the time but i had to fuss at him before he would even call into work when his daughter was having surgery. He went home every single night got full nights of sleep, took his time getting back out the hospital each day and when it was surgery time, he left with his mother to grab lunch and i went back and sat in the operating waiting room ALL BY MYSELF.  it was all in all just a horrible situation for riveranne and for me. but the Good Lord was listened to my many prayers and was with my baby girl and everything turned out good and she healed quickly and without any complications and for that i am truly thankful!
         Second is something that was little but so ridiculous. i had someone play a prank on me about making a phone call that said i had fail to appear for jury duty. it was a prank, a joke, and one that i found to be hilarious. so what did i do i played it on several different people i know and all but one of them thought it was hilarious also...however when i called and played it on my mother in law, shit hit the fan. instead of being the adult that she clearly is and calling the number herself to find out that it was a prank she called her husband at work and made him do it and HE called me screaming and yelling and cursing me over it. soooo i simply hung up the phone on him and have not spoke to them since. i mean it was a joke not a dick dont take it so hard. i dont know if they are still irritated about it or what but they have not called or anything and its very odd because they were seeing my kids or having my kids at their house at least every other weekend but oh well, i have no intentions of speaking to either of them until there is an apology to me for the way he went off on me, because if i had known that they were having for real legal trouble i would have never done it but i will NOT apologize for what i did.
         Third is my dad, he is clinically depressed and has always been a hypocondriac and an attention seeker my entire life but he played those games and pulled his last stunt with me a little over a month ago. he kicked my step mom out and was threatening to kill himself like he has a million times before but this time i had had enough and went to his house with intentions of beating his ass. i screamed yelled cursed and acted a fool in there i couldnt take it anymore, i wont take it anymore. i had all intentions of having him committed somewhere but he refused...however he is suppose to be getting in to speak with a shrink soon and it better happen or i will be done that was the deal. it has come the fact that i need a crazy pill just to be able to deal with him.
         Fourth is my mom, she has turned into a hot damn mess when it comes to trying to date, my stupid sister put her on an online dating site and she cant make it without it now, always on there talking to all kinds of men and has even met several of them. i cant get in her head that she is not going to find the kind of guy and relationship she wants from there but she wont listen to me. she wont even make plans with any of us girls or the grandkids anymore because she is afraid she might miss out on some random man wanting to talk to her or meet up with her. its kinda freaky i think and def dangerous but she thinks she is fine because she is packing...tired of messing with her too
        Fifth and the biggest problem not only in my life right now but for my whole family is my sister amy and her husband aaron. i know your shocked...lol but it def has not gotten any better but in my opinion has only gotten worse. i feel that i have now burnt the bridge between us because back between thanksgiving and christmas aaron decided to give me a call, a call that was suppose to get everything on the table so we could start mending things but instead resulted in him screaming yelling cursing, and telling me how horrible of a person i am and how they dont like me and dont want their daughter exposed to me, and as he was getting everything off his chest i was not allowed to speak at all so i feel that it was an attack and i have decided to end it all right then and there, i do not speak to them all and i def dont see then or my niece at all. they think we are ok, that with time things will get better me on the other hand, i think they are crazy if they think that things are ok, for one if either of them ever knew me at all they would know that i dont let people speak to me and then go on like everything is ok. for two they want me to change my entire being but they dont want to budge on anything because they dont think they do anything wrong when they have done all my family horrible wrong. well now my sister amy has felt it necessary to write my dad, who is already mentally unstable, a letter that pretty much told him he was a horrible person and the worst father and that he ruined her life and scared her in way she will never be able to overcome. so the shit goes on and on and will never get better especially for me because i am not willing to bow down to them and do everything they want done the way they want it done, ive never been that kind of person and im not gonna start now just because its my sister, i would much rather just not have any type of relationship with them at all so thats the path i have taken, im sure shit will hit the fan at some point over it but im prepared and it will def not be a one sided attack like it was last time trust that. they were at out family easter gathering with my moms side of the family and i did perfectly fine pretending they were not even there and the comment was made that my sister was shocked over it so im ready for a blow up, i know its coming.
              And finally yet another very small ridiculous issue i have been having to deal with is my besties old friends, i got involved in something i probably shouldnt have but damn it was all i was hearing about when talking to her so i spoke my opinion with her friend and it was a big blow up i was actually trying to help the situtation but thats not what happened. I love my bestie she is the best friend i have ever had so i had to take up for her ya know....other than dealing with these petty issues and dealing with major panic attacks lately nd trying to find the right kind of medicine to help everything else is going great. jason has decided that after 6 years at akebono and always being on second or third shift he has now decided that he is going to step down from his position on second shift and he is going to days for the first time, its something we have all wanted for so long so im am completely supportive about it all but he is going to be loosing quite a bit of pay so im trippin about that a little bit but if all else fails i will quit school and get a job, gotta do whatcha gotta do and im willing to whatever i need to for my family. and another thing is we are looking for a new house to buy and we think he might have already found one, pretty exciting!

i freakin mean really

im gonna be nothing but a fucking bitch in the blog, if you ever had a question about the way i feel about you or other things well it will be a question no longer after this blog. i will start with my brother in law whom is nothing but a control freak, asshole, arrogant, know it all. He has done nothing but controlled my sister the entire time they have been together, its his way or no way and she is not allowed to do anything or go anywhere or have any one over unless she asks his permission. My sister has gone from a half way independent person to being completely dependent on her husband because he pays all the bills and she has been spoiled to the kind of lifestyle he has given her. She is able to live in a brand new home that he had built and he pays for and his name is the only one on it even though they are married, she drives a brand new vehicle which is the only thing she has to pay for, they take 2 or more vacations a year that is paid for by his parents who also pays some of his other bills. they are both complete spoiled brats and because of these things they think they are better than everyone else especial my side of the family because we can do all those things. His family is gold, literally, to them because they are better off financially. my sister is she was not with him wouldnt have a pot to piss in and she know this which is why i think she is perfectly fine with him running everything and her whole life because she is afraid of loosing all these things she has become used too. things got worse when they got married because then he had papers on her and he felt that he had even more reason to control everything. but when they had their daughter shit really hit the fan, his family has been treated obviously better than any of hers when it comes to having a relationship with their daughter (my niece) because they can give her better things not the fact that they can love her anymore because they cant.
so now i am fighting with them because i voiced that i thought alot of things were a bunch of bullshit and they cant handle the fact that im not going to just sit back and let them treat us all like shit, so since we are fighting i have been told that i can see or hold my niece that he doesnt want me to, but he thinks he can play with my kids and stuff, you have done made that shit up. aint gonna happen. but since he said it its the way it is, my sister will not stand up to him for nothing not her daughter, not her friends, not her family, not even herself, he has completely ruined her self esteem, he makes her feel like she cant even take care of her own daughter good enough that he is the only one that can therefore she wont leave the house unless he can drive her and their daughter and she can sit in the backseat with her...pathetic i tell you, she wont even bath her herself or anything, its fucking ridiculous, i am so beyond pissed that i could literally kill him over it. he is such an asshole son of bitch i cant fucking stand him, and i hope he comes and says something to me because he will want to commit suicide before im done with him, he even just made the comment that my mama whines to much about not getting to see her own granddaughter and he doesnt want her invited over anymore and my mother has done nothign but tried to help them and see them and did everything the way they wanted it and has been on their side and they still are treating her like plum dog shit....i swear im venting here for now but i really dont know how much longer im going to be able to go without saying something to them bitches...its taking everything i have not to fucking blow up on them.

ok now onto the same bitch that has been causing me trouble for the last 10 years, i dont know what more she needs to hear, i told her i was done with her, i didnt want to fool with her shit anymore, we were not friends grow up and move on and yet after not speaking for months and not seeing each other in over a year she still flatters herself with thinking that everything i say and do is towards her, honey get over yourself you are not worth a second of my time, sorry you cant be on my level i cant help that, i cant help that you have no life, no true friends, your family cant stand you, and you dont have a pot to piss in...get over it already damn.....so what did she do started running her dick sucker once again about me when she is so fucking stupid, she doesnt even know anything about me.


and then to beat it fucking all my fucker of a father in law must have had a fucking stroke because he thought he would call up at my husbands shop looking for him the other day after being told more than one that we dont want anything to do with at all anymore...dont call, dont come by for sure, nothing at all....but he is such a dumbfuck that he keeps on and on and then when my husband still wont talk to him he cries to his friend and then his friend calls and of course thats when i stepped in and handled it, i fucking mean really im fixing to  move my family away from all of these bitches here in glasgow damn.

babies???

          My husband and i have been blessed with the perfect little family one daughter and one son...i was more than willing to try again for a third child but after our son was born my husband decided he did not want anymore kids, not wanting to be the kind of wife that would push my husband into having another child if he didnt want to i went with him to his consultation to have a vasectomy and i sign along with him to have it done. when our son was 11 months old my husband had his vasectomy. i cant lie that i was somewhat saddened over it all because i have only wanted to be a mother my entire life, my husband and i have the more gorgeous kids and i just wasnt completely ready to end the chances of us ever having anymore but it was done.
          Now over three years later, our daughter is now 7 and our son is now 4 and i have been itching for another baby for a while now knowing there is nothing i can do about. With my husband having a vasectomy and with his two checks to make sure it was successful we have not used any protection and now here i am, LATE!!! I have never been late except for the two time when i found out i was pregnant. but not only am i late on my period but i have been having other things happen that only happened to me when i was pregnant, i have been gagging off and on when i smoke a cig, i am having weakness in my left wrist, i had a random puking spell with no nausiousness and i have had a yeast infection all of things have never happened to me ever in my life except for when i was pregnant with my two children. i really dont know wht to think about it all, im trying really hard not to get my hiopes up or excited because i am more than likely not pregnant but its still very odd to me. I mentioned it to my husband and he got every upset. letting me know that the reason he got a vasectomy was because he didnt want anymore children, he made the comment even though im sure he wasnt serious about it being someone elses child. it hurt my feelings that he took me mentioneding it to him about all these things made him so very mad and upset. when i would be overjoyed about the though of us having another child unplanned and it being a surprise. now i am terrified about even taking a test afraid that if for some miracle that i am pregnant again after him having a vasectomy that he would be so upset and mad about it that it would ruin our marriage...im not sure what to do or where to go from here, i know soon or later if i am it will be known maybe i should just wait it out.

holiday season

i just love this time of year. it all starts with halloween which has been one of my favorite holidays eveery since i can remember, i love scary movies, haunted houses, dressing up and trick or treating and the kids and i really have a blast each year doing all that we can fit in our schedules. i just love it. then comes thanksgiving and since im an eater and i love good food its an awesome time also, i love being able to get together with all my family and enjoy awesome food and conversation. and then comes the best of all christmas. i love christmas and even though i know its not about the gifts and is about the birth of Jesus christ, i still love nothing more than to buy the people i love gifts that i know they will love. i enjoy watching them open presents...the excitement on my childrens faces come christmas morning is something that i look forward to all year long. it brings joy into my heart. having these times and holidays where all family can come together and enjoy time with each other is very important and very special to me...i just sure wish my grandparents were still here to be with us also during these times.