may 24th the second time it happened

11 days after derric choked and hit me, i gave into him again. he had called me 100 times a days, and texts begging me to forgive him and to meet with him so he could apologize to me in person and then he would leave me alone. and despite my better judgement, i gave in and agreed to meet with him one last time.when i arrived where he was staying he asked me to give him a ride, to our walmart, and me being me, i did. and as soon as i started driving he began accusing me of messing with his family members. we were only a half a mile from the walmart when he grabbed my phone and threw it out the window of my van and it shattered all over the road. once we approached the red light at the walmart he rared back and punched me in the right side of my face while i was driving. luckily i was able to stop the vehicle and another person driving beside me saw what had happened and called the cops, once stopped i jumped out of the van in the middle of the road and was screaming and crying. i knew he wouldnt stop if if i didnt, cops came and there came the EPO against derric and i was left with another black eye. never ever again.

may 13th the first time it happened

may 13th 2016, the first time a man has ever put his hands on me. and it was a man that i had known forever, one i care for and loved. and within a split second he had grabbed me by my throat, and was choking me up again the wall, while he continued to punch me in the side of the head and in my nose over and over, screaming at me accusing me of things i had never done. it was so scary, i began to fade, i couldnt breath and i couldnt get loose, and right before i passed all the way out, his mother came and was trying to get him off me, then ran to call the cops, he then let me go, and ran after her and i was able to muster up enough breath and energy to grab my keys and run to my car and drive away. i was left with a black eye, knots and bruises on the side of my head, a busted and bleeding nose, and bruised hand prints around my neck. hart co PD would do nothing about it because they were not called to the scene. i can honestly say i never thought anything like that would ever happen to me. i was terrified.

march 10th 2016 worst day of my entire life

this day will forever be burned into my brain and heart. my uncle CB was a huge influence in my life, many times he was more of a father than my own father was, and he even walked me down the isle the day i got married. i loved him more than he will ever know, so on march 10th 2016 the day HE passed away, changed me and my life forever. ive been through alot of shit in my life and i have lost alot of people that i loved as well but nothing will ever compare to me losing my uncle CB. See he had been sick for a while and in the hospital in our town for days and i made sure i was there every single day with him. The early morning when he first went into the hospital i went running to be with him and when i walked in my aunt turned to him and said Tabatha is here, and he looked my way and said I KNEW SHE WOULD BE!! oh it just melted my heart and he was right i would always be there when they needed me. for days i sat with him in the hospital here before they decided he needed to go to louisville for better help. the day the ambulance came to get him and take i held his hand and walk alongside his bed as they pushed him out, at this time he was none verbal but he would let us know he knew and understood what we were saying to him, so i bent over him, kissed his forehead and told him everything was gonna be ok, he was gonna be ok and that i would be up to louisville asap to be with him. a whole week went by with CB in louisville and i wasnt able to find a sitter and make up there to be with him and then one march 10th when i finally had someone to sit with my kids and i was headed to louisville in the pouring rain, i was less than halfway there when i got the call saying i needed to turn around because he was passing. as soon as i walked back into my house they called me again and told me he was gone. ill never forget it as long as i live. at that very moment something in my broke, i crumpled to the floor and sobbed for hours, its a feeling i have never felt before, something in me died the day he left this earth and i havent been and never will be the same ever again. i have been eat up with guilt ever since because i told him i would be there and i never made it there to be with him, i feel like i let him down and that he will never know how much he meant to me and how much i will always love and miss him. its been over a year and i still struggle with losing him every single day.

Feb 14th 2016 valentines day

for many years me and my husband have not celebrated certain things like our anniversary and valentines day, not by my choice but by my husbands where he stated there was no need to do anything because they were just another day to him. so feb 14 2016 came and D had his kids for the weekend and had asked me if i could help him takes his kids back home to their mother in another city because he still hadnt been able to get his license or a vehicle. so what did i do, i went to my husband and asked him if we had any plans for that valentines day and he of course said no and that he didnt mind at all if i went and helped D take his kids back home thats what i did. i showed up at D house that morning, picked him and his two kids up and we headed out. we had made plans to stop a get his kids some new shoes before we took them on home and thats what we did. all of a sudden it started snowing while we were in the shoe store and didnt ever stop, we were roughly 50 miles from D house and the snow was coming down so quickly we got nervous and took the kids on home and was trying to make our way back safely. what would have usually been a 30 minute drive back to his house ended up take nearly 3 hours with horrible road conditions, driving 15 mph, it was scary and dangerous and even though i was the one driving he was very helpful, and protective. once we finally got to his house my car was buried in the snow (we had driven his mothers car out of town) up pasted my tires and the roads were very dangerous. and let me remind you that i had already been with D for hours and it was valentines day and i had not heard a word from my husband the entire time even with him knowing it was snowing so badly out he never called or texted me at all. this was the first time i was torn between the 2 men. i called my husband and told him that my car was snowed in and i was snowed in at D house with him and his mother. J (my husband) freaked for the first time and demanded that i get home to him asap. he told me it didnt matter how snowed in my car was he wanted me to dig it out and get my butt home cause he was not gonna have me snowed in with D. on the other side, D was worried about my safety cause he saw how bad the roads were and horrible it was just trying to get back to his house and how dangerous it was. he wanted me to just chill at his house for a while until things were a big safer for me to travel on home, he even said i could stay in his room and he would stay on the couch, D was mad that J wasnt worried or concerned with my safety at all. but none the less J ran his mouth enough until i got out and dug my car free and headed home. a trip that should have taken me 15 minutes too me over an hour, i was alone and it was extremely rough on the roads. my husband never called to check on me as i traveled home but did text me about needing dog food and wanted me to stop at the store and get some, he had no reguards to my safety and well being at all. i was mad and crushed, but not surprised. D was furious. and soooooo the worst decision of my life continued........

2016 worst year of my life began

January 26th 2016. the worst mistake of my life began on this very day when HE contacted me on facebook. i was some what taken back when i saw a message from D. i had known him years earlier in school and we had been great friends. however he had chosen to take a very different road than myself  later in school and i had lost touch with him. hadnt seen him in years, but here was messaging me out of the blue talking about my foster kids who i quickly found out were his cousins, and catching up on things that had happened in our lives since we last saw each other years ago. we chatted for days where i found out he had, had a very rough life since i had last saw him, he had just gotten out of jail, was living with his mother who is a horrible person, and was having a hard time finding a job to get back on his feet. i had always thought a lot of him and since i was a stay at home mama at the time and had alot of free time that i should try and help him as much as i could. so i started picking him up and taking him around to find jobs and see what help he could get. with chatting so much and me taking him around and talking we began hanging out some and chilling talking watching movies and listening to music. i enjoyed hanging out with him, we seemed to like the same kinds of movies and music and enjoyed hanging out with each other. he was always so kind and sweet to me, giving me compliments all the time, making me feel special and appreciated for all the help i was giving him, and quickly i was sucked in. i began catching feelings for him, i had always found him attractive but the fact that he was making me a priority, making sure i knew he wanted to see me and talk to me every single day, always lifting my spirits and making me feel special and these were things i have not had or felt in so many years and i was sucked in. i was falling for him and i knew it was not a good thing especially since i was married but i didnt even seem to care. i loved D. and so the worst mistake of my life began.....

users and abusers

boy have i dealt with people like this all my life. its ridiculous how many actually. i have learned that has cold hearted and mean i can be if someone needs help, of any kind, i try my best to be there. deep down i try to be everyones hero, try to make everything right and everyone happy. its been a blessing and one of my biggest flaws at the same time. flaw meaning i have allowed people to use me for when they need something or someone far to many times. i actually had a 10 yr friendship that was soley based on me always being there for when she needed me and always coming to her rescue. its sad at time from my side of those kind of relationships because as much as i give i have never had those people be willing to do the same for me if i ever did need it. i have always given more than i ever received. so i realized that one certain friendship was only that me always being there and giving and giving and getting nothing in return, not even true friendship so about 5 years ago i let that friendship go, i removed myself from the situation. and what happens, still even after we are no long friends, no long talk, or hang out, who does she call when something horrible is going on and she needs someone, ME. and stupid me, who goes running yet again to the rescue, ME. and what does she do like every other time before, leave me hanging, no responses after i drop everything for her, no update on the horrible situation in which i helped the best i could and no word from her since. well you know i try to do my best by most people but this with her will never happen again, im tired of being used all the time because the people she puts her time into will never be the ones that come to her rescue and help her when she needs it but i have and she has always treated me like dog shit on her shoes, so it will never happen again, mark my word. my good heart and willingness to help is no longer available to her im done for good this time. but she is far from the only one in my life that has put me in this position. my sister my very best friend has done me this way as well. from the day that my nephew was born i told her i would watch him for free to get them to move back to our hometown. i wanted him in my life as much as possible and luckily he has been he is like my very own, however i have made myself available to watch him for free whenever they may need or want a sitter and for the most part that has never been a problem and i have loved every single minute of it. i have never in his 6 years of life told them no when they asked me to have him for them, which is often. the problem is they always know im here to have him and will never say no because i love him that much. but now that i have 5 children of my own, 2 biological and 3 foster kids, the favors are never recipricated to me. i have asked for a break rarely, times when my husband and i would like to go to dinner alone, for one hour, asking my sister to sit at my house with my kids after i have fed them and bathed them and she always say NO. even when i do everything and she would have to do nothing she still says no. its so frustrating at times. i have her child all the time i feed him and her at least 3 times a week, i provide everything for him while he is with me, i have him so they can work and so they can have fun and she cant even watch my kids for one hour at my house with everything done for her except for her to watch them and make sure they do not burn the house down or kill one another. ridiculous and like i said before i really hate being used but i have a feeling i have done this to myself by making it too easy for her to know that i will have him all the time, i have created a monster and it has nothing to do with me having him because i would every single day i love having him but i would love the same treatment every once in a while ya know. my dad takes advantage of me because i have always made myself available to him and so do many other people, many who are not to do the same things for me if i were to need them...its sad sometimes. guess im just gonna have to change the way i do things and stop making myself so available to others and what they need and want and start only worrying about me and my family.

still on my mind

it has been nearly two years since i first reconnected with a guy friend from high school that i had feelings for but was already dating and in love with my husband. the two weeks of talking with him made me very happy, was very exciting and made me rethink alot of things and almost caused me to make some very big mistakes. it was he that cut it all off and i have been somewhat desperate to get him back into my life no matter how or where ever he would fit. i still to this day can not get him off my mind, i think about him daily, i dream about him weekly and i dont know why or how to stop it. i do believe that i still have some feelings for him but im not sure as to what those feelings really are. most days i think it is just the waht if of the situation, the fact that i have never been with anyone other than my husband my entire life, the fact that i at one time had some feelings for this other man and they were never resolved. all these things i am still trying to figure out and hopefully one day i will not be mentally crazy over all this and HIM.