may 24th the second time it happened

11 days after derric choked and hit me, i gave into him again. he had called me 100 times a days, and texts begging me to forgive him and to meet with him so he could apologize to me in person and then he would leave me alone. and despite my better judgement, i gave in and agreed to meet with him one last time.when i arrived where he was staying he asked me to give him a ride, to our walmart, and me being me, i did. and as soon as i started driving he began accusing me of messing with his family members. we were only a half a mile from the walmart when he grabbed my phone and threw it out the window of my van and it shattered all over the road. once we approached the red light at the walmart he rared back and punched me in the right side of my face while i was driving. luckily i was able to stop the vehicle and another person driving beside me saw what had happened and called the cops, once stopped i jumped out of the van in the middle of the road and was screaming and crying. i knew he wouldnt stop if if i didnt, cops came and there came the EPO against derric and i was left with another black eye. never ever again.

may 13th the first time it happened

may 13th 2016, the first time a man has ever put his hands on me. and it was a man that i had known forever, one i care for and loved. and within a split second he had grabbed me by my throat, and was choking me up again the wall, while he continued to punch me in the side of the head and in my nose over and over, screaming at me accusing me of things i had never done. it was so scary, i began to fade, i couldnt breath and i couldnt get loose, and right before i passed all the way out, his mother came and was trying to get him off me, then ran to call the cops, he then let me go, and ran after her and i was able to muster up enough breath and energy to grab my keys and run to my car and drive away. i was left with a black eye, knots and bruises on the side of my head, a busted and bleeding nose, and bruised hand prints around my neck. hart co PD would do nothing about it because they were not called to the scene. i can honestly say i never thought anything like that would ever happen to me. i was terrified.

march 10th 2016 worst day of my entire life

this day will forever be burned into my brain and heart. my uncle CB was a huge influence in my life, many times he was more of a father than my own father was, and he even walked me down the isle the day i got married. i loved him more than he will ever know, so on march 10th 2016 the day HE passed away, changed me and my life forever. ive been through alot of shit in my life and i have lost alot of people that i loved as well but nothing will ever compare to me losing my uncle CB. See he had been sick for a while and in the hospital in our town for days and i made sure i was there every single day with him. The early morning when he first went into the hospital i went running to be with him and when i walked in my aunt turned to him and said Tabatha is here, and he looked my way and said I KNEW SHE WOULD BE!! oh it just melted my heart and he was right i would always be there when they needed me. for days i sat with him in the hospital here before they decided he needed to go to louisville for better help. the day the ambulance came to get him and take i held his hand and walk alongside his bed as they pushed him out, at this time he was none verbal but he would let us know he knew and understood what we were saying to him, so i bent over him, kissed his forehead and told him everything was gonna be ok, he was gonna be ok and that i would be up to louisville asap to be with him. a whole week went by with CB in louisville and i wasnt able to find a sitter and make up there to be with him and then one march 10th when i finally had someone to sit with my kids and i was headed to louisville in the pouring rain, i was less than halfway there when i got the call saying i needed to turn around because he was passing. as soon as i walked back into my house they called me again and told me he was gone. ill never forget it as long as i live. at that very moment something in my broke, i crumpled to the floor and sobbed for hours, its a feeling i have never felt before, something in me died the day he left this earth and i havent been and never will be the same ever again. i have been eat up with guilt ever since because i told him i would be there and i never made it there to be with him, i feel like i let him down and that he will never know how much he meant to me and how much i will always love and miss him. its been over a year and i still struggle with losing him every single day.

Feb 14th 2016 valentines day

for many years me and my husband have not celebrated certain things like our anniversary and valentines day, not by my choice but by my husbands where he stated there was no need to do anything because they were just another day to him. so feb 14 2016 came and D had his kids for the weekend and had asked me if i could help him takes his kids back home to their mother in another city because he still hadnt been able to get his license or a vehicle. so what did i do, i went to my husband and asked him if we had any plans for that valentines day and he of course said no and that he didnt mind at all if i went and helped D take his kids back home thats what i did. i showed up at D house that morning, picked him and his two kids up and we headed out. we had made plans to stop a get his kids some new shoes before we took them on home and thats what we did. all of a sudden it started snowing while we were in the shoe store and didnt ever stop, we were roughly 50 miles from D house and the snow was coming down so quickly we got nervous and took the kids on home and was trying to make our way back safely. what would have usually been a 30 minute drive back to his house ended up take nearly 3 hours with horrible road conditions, driving 15 mph, it was scary and dangerous and even though i was the one driving he was very helpful, and protective. once we finally got to his house my car was buried in the snow (we had driven his mothers car out of town) up pasted my tires and the roads were very dangerous. and let me remind you that i had already been with D for hours and it was valentines day and i had not heard a word from my husband the entire time even with him knowing it was snowing so badly out he never called or texted me at all. this was the first time i was torn between the 2 men. i called my husband and told him that my car was snowed in and i was snowed in at D house with him and his mother. J (my husband) freaked for the first time and demanded that i get home to him asap. he told me it didnt matter how snowed in my car was he wanted me to dig it out and get my butt home cause he was not gonna have me snowed in with D. on the other side, D was worried about my safety cause he saw how bad the roads were and horrible it was just trying to get back to his house and how dangerous it was. he wanted me to just chill at his house for a while until things were a big safer for me to travel on home, he even said i could stay in his room and he would stay on the couch, D was mad that J wasnt worried or concerned with my safety at all. but none the less J ran his mouth enough until i got out and dug my car free and headed home. a trip that should have taken me 15 minutes too me over an hour, i was alone and it was extremely rough on the roads. my husband never called to check on me as i traveled home but did text me about needing dog food and wanted me to stop at the store and get some, he had no reguards to my safety and well being at all. i was mad and crushed, but not surprised. D was furious. and soooooo the worst decision of my life continued........

2016 worst year of my life began

January 26th 2016. the worst mistake of my life began on this very day when HE contacted me on facebook. i was some what taken back when i saw a message from D. i had known him years earlier in school and we had been great friends. however he had chosen to take a very different road than myself  later in school and i had lost touch with him. hadnt seen him in years, but here was messaging me out of the blue talking about my foster kids who i quickly found out were his cousins, and catching up on things that had happened in our lives since we last saw each other years ago. we chatted for days where i found out he had, had a very rough life since i had last saw him, he had just gotten out of jail, was living with his mother who is a horrible person, and was having a hard time finding a job to get back on his feet. i had always thought a lot of him and since i was a stay at home mama at the time and had alot of free time that i should try and help him as much as i could. so i started picking him up and taking him around to find jobs and see what help he could get. with chatting so much and me taking him around and talking we began hanging out some and chilling talking watching movies and listening to music. i enjoyed hanging out with him, we seemed to like the same kinds of movies and music and enjoyed hanging out with each other. he was always so kind and sweet to me, giving me compliments all the time, making me feel special and appreciated for all the help i was giving him, and quickly i was sucked in. i began catching feelings for him, i had always found him attractive but the fact that he was making me a priority, making sure i knew he wanted to see me and talk to me every single day, always lifting my spirits and making me feel special and these were things i have not had or felt in so many years and i was sucked in. i was falling for him and i knew it was not a good thing especially since i was married but i didnt even seem to care. i loved D. and so the worst mistake of my life began.....

users and abusers

boy have i dealt with people like this all my life. its ridiculous how many actually. i have learned that has cold hearted and mean i can be if someone needs help, of any kind, i try my best to be there. deep down i try to be everyones hero, try to make everything right and everyone happy. its been a blessing and one of my biggest flaws at the same time. flaw meaning i have allowed people to use me for when they need something or someone far to many times. i actually had a 10 yr friendship that was soley based on me always being there for when she needed me and always coming to her rescue. its sad at time from my side of those kind of relationships because as much as i give i have never had those people be willing to do the same for me if i ever did need it. i have always given more than i ever received. so i realized that one certain friendship was only that me always being there and giving and giving and getting nothing in return, not even true friendship so about 5 years ago i let that friendship go, i removed myself from the situation. and what happens, still even after we are no long friends, no long talk, or hang out, who does she call when something horrible is going on and she needs someone, ME. and stupid me, who goes running yet again to the rescue, ME. and what does she do like every other time before, leave me hanging, no responses after i drop everything for her, no update on the horrible situation in which i helped the best i could and no word from her since. well you know i try to do my best by most people but this with her will never happen again, im tired of being used all the time because the people she puts her time into will never be the ones that come to her rescue and help her when she needs it but i have and she has always treated me like dog shit on her shoes, so it will never happen again, mark my word. my good heart and willingness to help is no longer available to her im done for good this time. but she is far from the only one in my life that has put me in this position. my sister my very best friend has done me this way as well. from the day that my nephew was born i told her i would watch him for free to get them to move back to our hometown. i wanted him in my life as much as possible and luckily he has been he is like my very own, however i have made myself available to watch him for free whenever they may need or want a sitter and for the most part that has never been a problem and i have loved every single minute of it. i have never in his 6 years of life told them no when they asked me to have him for them, which is often. the problem is they always know im here to have him and will never say no because i love him that much. but now that i have 5 children of my own, 2 biological and 3 foster kids, the favors are never recipricated to me. i have asked for a break rarely, times when my husband and i would like to go to dinner alone, for one hour, asking my sister to sit at my house with my kids after i have fed them and bathed them and she always say NO. even when i do everything and she would have to do nothing she still says no. its so frustrating at times. i have her child all the time i feed him and her at least 3 times a week, i provide everything for him while he is with me, i have him so they can work and so they can have fun and she cant even watch my kids for one hour at my house with everything done for her except for her to watch them and make sure they do not burn the house down or kill one another. ridiculous and like i said before i really hate being used but i have a feeling i have done this to myself by making it too easy for her to know that i will have him all the time, i have created a monster and it has nothing to do with me having him because i would every single day i love having him but i would love the same treatment every once in a while ya know. my dad takes advantage of me because i have always made myself available to him and so do many other people, many who are not to do the same things for me if i were to need them...its sad sometimes. guess im just gonna have to change the way i do things and stop making myself so available to others and what they need and want and start only worrying about me and my family.

still on my mind

it has been nearly two years since i first reconnected with a guy friend from high school that i had feelings for but was already dating and in love with my husband. the two weeks of talking with him made me very happy, was very exciting and made me rethink alot of things and almost caused me to make some very big mistakes. it was he that cut it all off and i have been somewhat desperate to get him back into my life no matter how or where ever he would fit. i still to this day can not get him off my mind, i think about him daily, i dream about him weekly and i dont know why or how to stop it. i do believe that i still have some feelings for him but im not sure as to what those feelings really are. most days i think it is just the waht if of the situation, the fact that i have never been with anyone other than my husband my entire life, the fact that i at one time had some feelings for this other man and they were never resolved. all these things i am still trying to figure out and hopefully one day i will not be mentally crazy over all this and HIM.

foster care forever love

we have been foster parents for 7 months now, we have had some very trying times with it, kids we couldnt give them what they needed, and sweet baby that we fell in love with and he returned home, which was the plan but still ripped our hearts out. But now we have our 8th 9th and 10th children and i can not even describe the love we have for these kids. this has taken our house from 2 kids to 5 and i love every single minute of it, they are amazing kids, and our kids love them and they all get along so well, i couldnt ask for anything better. i know the goal is to always get these kids back home with their parents but i cant help but to wish to be able to adopt them and make them my kids forever. our 4th foster child was my baby, he came in calling me mama, stole my heart and then was ripped from me so quickly i didnt think i would recover. after 4 months of him being gone from our home i ran into his parent at the store and was told that he has now returned home and is doing so well, also that they may need a sitter and of course i volunteered so my baby is back. i cried tears of joy. i have loved and still love all 10 of the children that have been through my home so far. that will never change. even the difficult ones still your heart with their need for love and being taken care of. this is something i was called to do and i thanks God every day for his many blessing upon my family with this wonderful experience.

new opportunities

so i have had alot of things that have brought me to this moment in my life, first being the fact that my husband got a vasectomy without me wanting him too right after our son was born, i wanted more kids, second being working in the special needs dept at my kids school and seeing a special needs girl that was neglected and needed taking care of. so now after heavy thought and prayer and lots of begging to my husband we will be starting foster care classes this september. yes i know these will not be my children but i will be able to help a child feed, bath and clothes them even if just for a short while, and im willing to take any child even special needs and give them the love that they need. yes giving them back will surely be hard for me but i know that, that is the way it all works and i am more than willing to do what i can when i can. now i have had another offer be made to me as of today, to be a surrogate mother for a couple that has had horrible troubles having a child of their own. wow i dont even know where to begin with this one but something deep down in me wants to do it but then i dont think i would be able to live knowing i had given birth (a c section) to a child that wasnt mine and that i didnt get to have a relationship with in some kinda of way. lots of thought and prayer are going to have to go into this. however i would give anything to have another child of my own, a mother is all i have ever wanted to be and if i do say so myself i do make beautiful children its a shame that i had to stop with two, even though those two are my heart and soul and i am beyond thankful and blessed with the two perfect healthy children i have, its just a longing i still have to have just one more of my own....i just love kids i cant help it.

football playing girl

so in the last year or so my daughter who has never been a girly girl has taken it even further. all of a sudden she no longer wants to wear girls clothing, or shoes, doesnt want to play anything girly and has even made comments of wanting to be a boy and when her and the boys play games she always plays a boy. she even went and cut all of her hair off also. she is 9 years old and even though i am very supportive when it comes to things like this i dont think my daughter is transgender or even in that fact gay. i think this is some sort of phase and either way im just going with the flow. she has tons of girl clothes so no i will not be getting rid of all those and replacing them with boy clothes because i cant afford to do something like that but whenever we do purchase new things i have tried my best to buy her boy clothing that she will like, i let her cut her hair off because i in fact have short hair and how could i not let her do the same. and as she has always been completely into sports like soccer and basketball she has decided this year that she also wants to play football so guess what this mama is gonna do, im signing her up for football, shes a big rough and tough girl im excited for her to show those boys what she is made of. the reason i think this is only a phase at this point is because her and i have sit down and had a couple of good long talks about it all and she still likes boys and has lil boyfriends, she just isnt girly and therefore she doesnt enjoy playing girly things and tends to navigate towards the boys and the things they like to play and thats perfectly normal and fine. she just say she wants to be a boy because at school they make them play games girls against boys and of course she is placed on the girls team and they always lose, she doesnt like losing, she wants to be a boy so she can be on the better team and win, which i think is funny. however even though i am supporting her in everything she does and says i still make known and very clear that girls can do anything and everything a boy can do and be just as successful and still be a girl. i just love her to the moon and back and want her to know that she can be anything she wants to be and can do anything she sets her mind to and be proud the problem is she has been struggling with making friends because of this because the girls dont accept her because she isnt girly and the majority of the boys dont either because at this age she is still just a girl and it doesnt matter that she likes all the stuff they do and can in fact do them better than most of them but hopefully this is will all work itself out soon, i hate to see her struggle so much over something that isnt that big of a deal.

back to the grind

so after being a stay at home mama for nearly 10 years, only working part time here and there while attending college full time i finally graduated college with an interdisciplinary degree emphasis in business and humanities i prayed and prayed for a full time position at the school where my children attend and where i had been working part time in the preschool and special needs department. after filling out applications for 6 different positions and praying very hard I GOT A FULL TIME POSITION. in fact at the school where i was already working and my kids go. i am now the new full time kindergarten instructional assistant and i can not even express how excited i am about this. not only am i full time and able to help more to provide for my family but my two boys ryder and gage are also going to be in kindergarten therefore while working i will also be able to be there for all their special moments and partake in them with them. the LORD is good and always provides and never fails us and for that i so thankful.

wrecking ball

one year ago this month i came back in contact with someone from high school. this person was a friend of mine, i met him my sophomore year, he was a junior, he was very kind, caring, poetic with words, and quite good looking, however at the time of me meeting him i had already been with jason for nearly 2 years and was madly in love already. there was a time while we were in high school that he had made it known to me that he wanted to be more than friends with me but respect my relationship with jason. i cant lie i had gained feelings for him and therefore had to end our friendship because i was not willing to give up anything that i had with jason (i still am not willing to do so) jason and i have now been together for 15 years now and married for 11 of those and have 2 beautiful children a wonderful home and an amazing life. i am still madly in love with jason. no relationship is perfect and this time last year we were in the middle of a rough patch when i came  back in contact with this guy on facebook. it has been 12 years since i have seen him (i will refer to him as BAS) and throughout those 12 years i have always thought of him, wondered where he was, how he was doing, and would have dreams all the time of seeing him and not being able to reach him. it really has been something that has "haunted" me from the last time i saw him. so when i found him on facebook a year ago i was overly excited to hear from him again. i lit up like i havent in years, of course it probably was not the best time for the reconnection and especially the fact that he let me know that he still felt the same way about me, was so glad to have found me, and was full of all kinds of flattery that i wasnt getting from the man that was suppose to be doing those things. dont get me wrong nothing inappropriate happened, we didnt meet up or anything like that, i wouldnt do that but i cant lie and say that it didnt bring up some feelings of "what if" and the fact that i may have always had some kind of feelings for BAS since i have always thought of him and wondered. all these years of thinking of him and wondering about him had a hold on me so when i found him i didnt want to let it go, somehow i feel like i need him in my life and i dont know what to do about it or where he would fit in my life anyways. we ended the reconnection and communication because i was very confused and afraid of what might happen but now i feel devastated that i cant talk to him and stuff like i have lost him all over again like i did 12 years ago when he graduated and moved away. and i dont know if i can handle that again, i feel like i need him someway and i just dont know, i still freaking think about him every single day...what is wrong with me, what should i do?  

twitching eyes

        wow where to even start it has been a while since i blogged... sooo ill start with the good things that have been going on. after years of lots of volunteer work at south green elem i applied and was hired for the preschool assistant position and it was nothing shy of a prayer answered because i was needing a job terribly and this one could be no more perfect for me and my family situation because not only does it give us extra income and make me actually feel as if i am helping out which is something i havent felt in a long time but i get to work at the school that my children attend, i get to be there with them and leave with them in the afternoons and i will be able to be out when they are out and in when they are in, which is exactly what i needed because i cant afford babysitting and i have major trust issues with sitters also. jason took a pay cut a while back and went to day so that he could have more time with the kids in the evenings which was a hard move but def the best move and we just found out this week that he will now be moving back to his old position and pay rate but will remain on day shift and still be able to see me and the kids...awesome awesome awesome.
        I was finally able to confront my father in law with everything i have ever wanted to say to him after receiving some hateful text from him, i cant lie i went off the deep end a little bit but it needed to be done and i feel so much better now that i have been able to get it all off my chest. on another note i still have no type pf relationship with my sister or her daughter and i dont ever see that changing either, things have gone far beyond repair in my book and it is what it is and i am finally ok with that. i still love my "niece" payton.
        Ok now on to why i think my eye has been twitching all damn week...i know too much... let me start this off with this, i must looks crazy, i must just walk into a place and people can just feel that i am crazy therefore that enables them to come to with all their crazy even when i dont even know them like that....soooo first off a guy friend came to me and told me he thinks he is gay but he doesnt want to be, i dont know what to say to that, then another guy came to me in a very oddly way and informed me that he was a cross dresser and i barely know this guy, i dont know what to say to that either. one of my friends is getting a divorce because her husband cheated, another is getting a divorce just because and there is another couple in my life that i truely believe should get a divorce, it must be something in the air. and then there is still that one friend that i never hear from unless she wants an alibi, and this week i finally decided to end a so called friendship because it was doing nothing but messing with my head in a very bad, possible life ruining way. not that much of this stuff is actually effecting me personally but its all in my head going around and around so yes im sure you can see that all this is probably the reason my freakin eye has been twitching for the last week...i sure hope that ends soon its driving me crazy.
               Back on the lighter note, me and jason are doing much better, we are working hard on it, and all my true friendships like my sister heather, my chunky dunker, jodie, and my sweet terrie are fantabulous right now and i hope they stay that way. and i also registered for classes again starting in january after sitting this one out again...im excited to get back at it because im soooo close to finishing with a business degree but im nervous because they classes are getting harder and i have so much other stuff on my plate right now but it will all work out things always do because i have the good Lord on my side and i always will.

temptations

the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me. i have found myself in realization about not exactly being happy in my relationship with my husband. its not something has just recently happened but something that i just recently realized i didnt think i could handle anymore. dont get me wrong i love my husband, he is a great man, he works hard for us and takes care of us when it comes to paying the bills and make sure we have food on the table. he just wasnt taking care of me. a couple weeks ago my husband sold a car he had, therefore he had a bit of extra money, things have been pretty tight around here lately when it comes to money so i had mentioned to him that i would need him to give me a bit for the several dr appointments i had coming up the next week and he went off on me, he had other plans for the money and was not willing to give me any for the dr appointments so i went and cancelled them all. i was so upset over his actions alot of stuff started flooded to me. i couldnt even rememeber the last time he had paid me a compliment or acted like he appreciated anything that i do. i also realized that we never spend anytime to together and there is no romance, or effection shown either and all these things had not bee recent events but ones that have been present the entirety of our marriage and i was distraught over it all. i was realizing i was not happy and in fact hadnt been happy in a very long time. i thought this over in my head for a few day before i ever mentioned it to him which resulted in a four hour very emotional conversation. both agreed things needed to change and change quick or we would be head towards a seperation and neither of us really wanted that to happen. and even though all of these issues have been there for years it sure didnt help me that i had an old friend from high school contact me of facebook who kept giving me compliments and was showing me attention that i had been missing for so long. it was nothing inapropriate or anything but just simple compliments on my eyes and smile and he told me how beautiful i was, and those were things i had not heard from anyone not even my own husband for years, it was flattering of course but i started to feel the temptations that could happen and that is why i decided to go ahead and bring all the problems to light with my husband. and see if this could be fixed or not. the convo between my hubby and me was about a week from out 10 year anniversary which was very emotional but when the day came, he made it amazing for me, something that truely shocked me and brought a big smile to my face. however now it is a waiting game to see if everyday life with us changes. its something i am very hopeful for because i do love this man with all my heart. i just need to know every now and again that he loves me too and wants to be with me too...so now i wait.

taken over

i have been getting sick to my stomach for months now, no good reason at all. it will hit me all of a sudden, i will get sick and then i am fine, hungry even. i dont know what is causing it or how to stop it but all i know is it is ruining my life...i hate to throw up, im terrified of it actually...i call myself pukeaphobic but im sure there is a real term for it...i get all nervous and go into complete panic attack over me or someone else being sick at their stomach. this is why this has been very difficult for me, well other than also being sick and not knowing why and being sick enough that i have actually lost 40 lbs over it...i have gotten sick three days in a row now and today i find myself sitting here so very hungry and terrified to eat anything because im afraid i will get sick. it has taken over my life because i think of it constantly, every single time i feel hungry, and every single time i go to put something in my mouth, i find myself thinking nothing ever sounds good to eat because my train of thought is what would be the least worst to throw up. it is starting to interfere with my time with my kids and being able to do things with them without having to worry about it and it is putting a strain on my relationship with my husband also because he is tired of hearing me get sick all the time. i really cant help it, and i have prayed and prayed about it every day and every night and still nothing has changed....i dont know what i am suppose to do or how to fix it so as of right now im just dealing, or actually im not!!!!!

government controls

the government controls everything...when are some people going to understand this...im not saying that i agree or disagree with the outcome of the trayvon and zimmermen case because truely i have not watched it or kept up with all the details to give my true opinion but either way guys, this is not the first time a child has been murdered, and this is not the first time that someone who committed  murder has walked free. Thousands of men, women, and children, are murdered every single day in this horrible world that we live in. 99% of them we will never even know about, why because the government chooses which ones to make public due to which ones they think will cause the most attention and contraversy (sp). whether you want to believe this or not this one was chosen for the simple fact that racism matters could apply and they knew people would run with that and make a big deal of out of it. if you know me you know i am the last person that would ever be thought of as racist, but its the truth because the government like to cause drama, its full of it, they like to try and play us against each other, what will get the most attention and most rating when broad casted on tv. its sad really  and i am not say dont show support to which ever side of the case you support but educate yourself by research and find out how many horrible horrible things happen in this world that we never even knew anything about...its all government controlled.

back with a vengeance

        It has been way to long since i have sit down and just started writing all that was on my mind. i let a couple of people that couldnt handle the things i was writing effect me and stop me from doing so but that changes today. when i sit down at this computer and just write whatever is on my mind, it helps me, its like talking it all over with someone, getting it off my chest and it helps me from holding it all in( like i tend to do ) and then blowing up later. This is why i have decided to start this blog back up, it will prob not all be nice but the way i see it is, if you dont like what i have to say then you dont have to read it, this is my blog, and i can write and say whatever i want whenever i want and thats exactly what im fixing to do with hopes in not to overwhelm everyone.....lol
       man where to begin, i have had so many things happen. first off i have been having some bad health issues that i am still trying to figure out, nerves been all out of whack and after the fourth different med i think i might actually have the one thats gonna help but its still a waiting game. i have also been having some major stomach issues resulting it me vomiting a few times a week, first i thought it was my nerves but now im not so sure, if you know me you know that i am pukeaphobic therefore i will do anything in my power not to get sick to my stomach and nothing has been working, its a day to day struggle where i have changed my eating habits drastically and lost 40 lbs, i worry every single time i put something in my mouth whether or not it will end up making me sick. im not sure what is causing it and i dont know how to stop it so like i said its a day to day struggle that i am trying to deal with.
       Jason decided a few months ago that his position at his job was not worth all the time he was missing with the kids so he decided to step down, take a huge pay cut, and finally after 6 years there he went to day shift, it has been a huge adjustment for all of us, the plus side, we get to see jason a whole lot more and he has a lot more day off now, the down side, the pay cut of course that is making "living" a bit more difficult especially since i have not finished school yet and i do not have a job. we are working with what we have and we always make ends meet but its not easy. since school has been out we have been doing our usual routine of hitting the pool up as much as possible getting our swim and tan on and riveranne has just made me so proud this summer, she can swim a whole lot better this summer and just jumps in and does her thing and has sooo much fun and i love it, ryder does too but of course with his lifejacket on!!!! i will say this summer seems to be going by so fast for some reason though and that i am not ready for because i am not ready for school to start back for the kids or for me and the early bedtimes and early mornings, shew wee...the good thing for me is i was able to apply for graduation already and if everything goes as planned i will be graduating in dec 2014 with a business management degree so thats a plus because thats only 3 semesters away.
       I have been having issues with one of my sisters for a long time now and i wont go into all of it but i will say that i have been able to accept the outcome, and deal with being "banned" from their lives alot better than i thought i would. its funny how easy it has been for me, normally i dont even give it thought until they play little games with me and then well you know me, it can get ugly, but then im right back to living my life without them, and you know what its ok with me! i have everything i need when it comes to family and friends, im blessed even though its not always peachy. no one needs people in their lives that think they are better, or think that you arent good enough, there comes a time when you just need to realize its not worth the trouble family or not, and just move on...and i think im doing that pretty well.
       well i think this is enough chatter for one blog but i will be back...i promise and it will not be long either...lol it feels good to and im not giving it up anymore because some people cant handle it.

this is gonna be a doozie

       We are only 4 months into this new year of 2013 and i can honestly say it has been nothing shy of a year from hell so far. i cant even remember a time when so many bad things have happened or been going on that i have had to deal with. And might i add i have not been dealing very well with it all resulting in many trips to the dr and many different medication changes to help me get my mind right and stay half way sane. one way for me to cope has always been to talk it out or write my feelings out so here goes on my rant as you will....
        First off after year of my baby girl having vomiting spells and no one knowing what was causing them she had an appendix attack on January 9th and had to have surgery to remove it on January 10th, it was by the most horrible things i have ever gone through when it comes to my babies. It killed me having to see her go through that at only 7 years old even though she was a trooper and did extremely well. I was terrified. she was in the hospital for 2 whole days before being able to come home and those were two whole days of me sitting there with (i would have had it any other way) without sleep. it came to a point where i thought i was literally having a breakdown over it. my mom was a big help during the whole thing, and my sister heather also as much as she could be due her schedule and being sick at the time but the one person that was suppose to be there for his daughter and his wife was not...at least not in the way i feel like he should have been. i actually felt alone during that time, having to do everything by myself, he kept our son occupied the majority of the time but i had to fuss at him before he would even call into work when his daughter was having surgery. He went home every single night got full nights of sleep, took his time getting back out the hospital each day and when it was surgery time, he left with his mother to grab lunch and i went back and sat in the operating waiting room ALL BY MYSELF.  it was all in all just a horrible situation for riveranne and for me. but the Good Lord was listened to my many prayers and was with my baby girl and everything turned out good and she healed quickly and without any complications and for that i am truly thankful!
         Second is something that was little but so ridiculous. i had someone play a prank on me about making a phone call that said i had fail to appear for jury duty. it was a prank, a joke, and one that i found to be hilarious. so what did i do i played it on several different people i know and all but one of them thought it was hilarious also...however when i called and played it on my mother in law, shit hit the fan. instead of being the adult that she clearly is and calling the number herself to find out that it was a prank she called her husband at work and made him do it and HE called me screaming and yelling and cursing me over it. soooo i simply hung up the phone on him and have not spoke to them since. i mean it was a joke not a dick dont take it so hard. i dont know if they are still irritated about it or what but they have not called or anything and its very odd because they were seeing my kids or having my kids at their house at least every other weekend but oh well, i have no intentions of speaking to either of them until there is an apology to me for the way he went off on me, because if i had known that they were having for real legal trouble i would have never done it but i will NOT apologize for what i did.
         Third is my dad, he is clinically depressed and has always been a hypocondriac and an attention seeker my entire life but he played those games and pulled his last stunt with me a little over a month ago. he kicked my step mom out and was threatening to kill himself like he has a million times before but this time i had had enough and went to his house with intentions of beating his ass. i screamed yelled cursed and acted a fool in there i couldnt take it anymore, i wont take it anymore. i had all intentions of having him committed somewhere but he refused...however he is suppose to be getting in to speak with a shrink soon and it better happen or i will be done that was the deal. it has come the fact that i need a crazy pill just to be able to deal with him.
         Fourth is my mom, she has turned into a hot damn mess when it comes to trying to date, my stupid sister put her on an online dating site and she cant make it without it now, always on there talking to all kinds of men and has even met several of them. i cant get in her head that she is not going to find the kind of guy and relationship she wants from there but she wont listen to me. she wont even make plans with any of us girls or the grandkids anymore because she is afraid she might miss out on some random man wanting to talk to her or meet up with her. its kinda freaky i think and def dangerous but she thinks she is fine because she is packing...tired of messing with her too
        Fifth and the biggest problem not only in my life right now but for my whole family is my sister amy and her husband aaron. i know your shocked...lol but it def has not gotten any better but in my opinion has only gotten worse. i feel that i have now burnt the bridge between us because back between thanksgiving and christmas aaron decided to give me a call, a call that was suppose to get everything on the table so we could start mending things but instead resulted in him screaming yelling cursing, and telling me how horrible of a person i am and how they dont like me and dont want their daughter exposed to me, and as he was getting everything off his chest i was not allowed to speak at all so i feel that it was an attack and i have decided to end it all right then and there, i do not speak to them all and i def dont see then or my niece at all. they think we are ok, that with time things will get better me on the other hand, i think they are crazy if they think that things are ok, for one if either of them ever knew me at all they would know that i dont let people speak to me and then go on like everything is ok. for two they want me to change my entire being but they dont want to budge on anything because they dont think they do anything wrong when they have done all my family horrible wrong. well now my sister amy has felt it necessary to write my dad, who is already mentally unstable, a letter that pretty much told him he was a horrible person and the worst father and that he ruined her life and scared her in way she will never be able to overcome. so the shit goes on and on and will never get better especially for me because i am not willing to bow down to them and do everything they want done the way they want it done, ive never been that kind of person and im not gonna start now just because its my sister, i would much rather just not have any type of relationship with them at all so thats the path i have taken, im sure shit will hit the fan at some point over it but im prepared and it will def not be a one sided attack like it was last time trust that. they were at out family easter gathering with my moms side of the family and i did perfectly fine pretending they were not even there and the comment was made that my sister was shocked over it so im ready for a blow up, i know its coming.
              And finally yet another very small ridiculous issue i have been having to deal with is my besties old friends, i got involved in something i probably shouldnt have but damn it was all i was hearing about when talking to her so i spoke my opinion with her friend and it was a big blow up i was actually trying to help the situtation but thats not what happened. I love my bestie she is the best friend i have ever had so i had to take up for her ya know....other than dealing with these petty issues and dealing with major panic attacks lately nd trying to find the right kind of medicine to help everything else is going great. jason has decided that after 6 years at akebono and always being on second or third shift he has now decided that he is going to step down from his position on second shift and he is going to days for the first time, its something we have all wanted for so long so im am completely supportive about it all but he is going to be loosing quite a bit of pay so im trippin about that a little bit but if all else fails i will quit school and get a job, gotta do whatcha gotta do and im willing to whatever i need to for my family. and another thing is we are looking for a new house to buy and we think he might have already found one, pretty exciting!

i freakin mean really

im gonna be nothing but a fucking bitch in the blog, if you ever had a question about the way i feel about you or other things well it will be a question no longer after this blog. i will start with my brother in law whom is nothing but a control freak, asshole, arrogant, know it all. He has done nothing but controlled my sister the entire time they have been together, its his way or no way and she is not allowed to do anything or go anywhere or have any one over unless she asks his permission. My sister has gone from a half way independent person to being completely dependent on her husband because he pays all the bills and she has been spoiled to the kind of lifestyle he has given her. She is able to live in a brand new home that he had built and he pays for and his name is the only one on it even though they are married, she drives a brand new vehicle which is the only thing she has to pay for, they take 2 or more vacations a year that is paid for by his parents who also pays some of his other bills. they are both complete spoiled brats and because of these things they think they are better than everyone else especial my side of the family because we can do all those things. His family is gold, literally, to them because they are better off financially. my sister is she was not with him wouldnt have a pot to piss in and she know this which is why i think she is perfectly fine with him running everything and her whole life because she is afraid of loosing all these things she has become used too. things got worse when they got married because then he had papers on her and he felt that he had even more reason to control everything. but when they had their daughter shit really hit the fan, his family has been treated obviously better than any of hers when it comes to having a relationship with their daughter (my niece) because they can give her better things not the fact that they can love her anymore because they cant.
so now i am fighting with them because i voiced that i thought alot of things were a bunch of bullshit and they cant handle the fact that im not going to just sit back and let them treat us all like shit, so since we are fighting i have been told that i can see or hold my niece that he doesnt want me to, but he thinks he can play with my kids and stuff, you have done made that shit up. aint gonna happen. but since he said it its the way it is, my sister will not stand up to him for nothing not her daughter, not her friends, not her family, not even herself, he has completely ruined her self esteem, he makes her feel like she cant even take care of her own daughter good enough that he is the only one that can therefore she wont leave the house unless he can drive her and their daughter and she can sit in the backseat with her...pathetic i tell you, she wont even bath her herself or anything, its fucking ridiculous, i am so beyond pissed that i could literally kill him over it. he is such an asshole son of bitch i cant fucking stand him, and i hope he comes and says something to me because he will want to commit suicide before im done with him, he even just made the comment that my mama whines to much about not getting to see her own granddaughter and he doesnt want her invited over anymore and my mother has done nothign but tried to help them and see them and did everything the way they wanted it and has been on their side and they still are treating her like plum dog shit....i swear im venting here for now but i really dont know how much longer im going to be able to go without saying something to them bitches...its taking everything i have not to fucking blow up on them.

ok now onto the same bitch that has been causing me trouble for the last 10 years, i dont know what more she needs to hear, i told her i was done with her, i didnt want to fool with her shit anymore, we were not friends grow up and move on and yet after not speaking for months and not seeing each other in over a year she still flatters herself with thinking that everything i say and do is towards her, honey get over yourself you are not worth a second of my time, sorry you cant be on my level i cant help that, i cant help that you have no life, no true friends, your family cant stand you, and you dont have a pot to piss in...get over it already damn.....so what did she do started running her dick sucker once again about me when she is so fucking stupid, she doesnt even know anything about me.


and then to beat it fucking all my fucker of a father in law must have had a fucking stroke because he thought he would call up at my husbands shop looking for him the other day after being told more than one that we dont want anything to do with at all anymore...dont call, dont come by for sure, nothing at all....but he is such a dumbfuck that he keeps on and on and then when my husband still wont talk to him he cries to his friend and then his friend calls and of course thats when i stepped in and handled it, i fucking mean really im fixing to  move my family away from all of these bitches here in glasgow damn.

babies???

          My husband and i have been blessed with the perfect little family one daughter and one son...i was more than willing to try again for a third child but after our son was born my husband decided he did not want anymore kids, not wanting to be the kind of wife that would push my husband into having another child if he didnt want to i went with him to his consultation to have a vasectomy and i sign along with him to have it done. when our son was 11 months old my husband had his vasectomy. i cant lie that i was somewhat saddened over it all because i have only wanted to be a mother my entire life, my husband and i have the more gorgeous kids and i just wasnt completely ready to end the chances of us ever having anymore but it was done.
          Now over three years later, our daughter is now 7 and our son is now 4 and i have been itching for another baby for a while now knowing there is nothing i can do about. With my husband having a vasectomy and with his two checks to make sure it was successful we have not used any protection and now here i am, LATE!!! I have never been late except for the two time when i found out i was pregnant. but not only am i late on my period but i have been having other things happen that only happened to me when i was pregnant, i have been gagging off and on when i smoke a cig, i am having weakness in my left wrist, i had a random puking spell with no nausiousness and i have had a yeast infection all of things have never happened to me ever in my life except for when i was pregnant with my two children. i really dont know wht to think about it all, im trying really hard not to get my hiopes up or excited because i am more than likely not pregnant but its still very odd to me. I mentioned it to my husband and he got every upset. letting me know that the reason he got a vasectomy was because he didnt want anymore children, he made the comment even though im sure he wasnt serious about it being someone elses child. it hurt my feelings that he took me mentioneding it to him about all these things made him so very mad and upset. when i would be overjoyed about the though of us having another child unplanned and it being a surprise. now i am terrified about even taking a test afraid that if for some miracle that i am pregnant again after him having a vasectomy that he would be so upset and mad about it that it would ruin our marriage...im not sure what to do or where to go from here, i know soon or later if i am it will be known maybe i should just wait it out.