summertime fun

       i know it has been awhile since my last blog but i have just been enjoying my drama free, pool filled summer with my family and friends. since my last blog i got a no contact order against the idiots that were causing me troubles by request of the elem school principal so he would have reason to ban them from the school property. and since i did that i have not seen them or heard a word from them and it has been glorious!!! dont get me wrong a no contact order is something i would have never done on my own, i am def a whip their ass and move on kinda girl but i did it and its done and it has obviously works so i guess its a win win... now onto much less depressing matters.
        With school letting out for me and my daughter, me being laid off work for the summer and my sister also being out of work this summer we have been taking advantage of every single day... we got a summer pass for all of us to the city pool and we have been burning it up, at least 3-4 days a week we have been there, getting our tans on, swimming it up and having a blast us and the kids and it has been amazing. there is no one in this world that i am more close to than my sister, she is literally my very best friend. if we arent swimming, we are cooking out or just hanging out nearly every single day. this is the best summer by far.
        My bestest chunky dunker has decided to move back home to me, which means back to the same county as i am in and i couldnt be more excited, i have missed her terribly. I have been able to see her or talk to her as much as usual and now i am hoping that will change. Not only is my chunky dunker back but i have made so many new awesome friends in the past year and i love hanging out with all of them. its awesome to have such wonderful people in my life. something i have been missing for a long long time.
        With all the wonderful festivities going on come the end of the summer i have been busy busy...My baby sister is having her first baby come august, a baby girl, and im so excited. My sister heather is finally marrying her man of 10 years come september and we have been doing all kinds of things for it to help make it perfect for her, she really deserves it. and then my step sister is also having a baby, another baby boy come october so yeah busy busy busy...but its so amazing and im so excited. but i cant lie it is making me want another baby really bad but hey thats nothing new.
        I just recently reconnected with someone i hadnt spoken with in a long time. hoping that this is going to be a good step instead of a bad one, that we will be someday be able to talk about all the problems that we both had that ended our friendship to begin with and i hope that we will be able to be good friends onces again but its going to be a very slow process, one that i am fully willing to give my all in, and take it one step at a time. i just hope from the other end the feelings are the same.
       I have been trying not to deal with the fact that my baby boy is no longer a baby, and even though i am cherishing every single moment with him this summer, come the end of the summer he will be heading off to preschool and i know i am going to loose it. there will be no more sweet baby home with me during the day. and even though i will also be going back to school for my 4th semester its still gonna be hard knowing he isnt at home with me and that he is no longer my sweet baby boy. its sad for me and im not ready for this moment. oh well growing up is a part of life.
       i know i have jumped around in this blog but i had so many things going on that i wanted to share. so until next time yall, and hopefully it wont be as long until my next one and i wont have so much going on that i have to jump around like in this one.

keep it coming

        I have been trying for several months now to just let things go. I have been trying to not let things get to me as bad as i have in the past, not to dwell on the things that do bother me, and i have been trying my hardest not to hold grudges, and not to feel ventictive, and revengeful towards people that have done things to me. However as much as i have tried, to do all these things, a person can only take so much before they snap and reverse back to the person they are trying so hard not to be and this past couple weeks have ruined all the hard work i have put into myself to try and make myself a better person.
       I know i wrote about a couple of family members a while ago in a blog that had been giving me some trouble, family members that have always been drama filled and trouble makers and ones that i have all my life been ashamed to even admit i was related to. Well a few months ago my cousin and i had a blow up over her attacking me over something i had nothing to do with and actually had no clue about was going on. its not the first time this has happen and it surely wont be the last because this is the way they are. if there isnt enough drama going in their lives then they feel the need to create more.  It turned extremely ugly with me stooping to her level and letting her know everything i had ever thought of her (all bad of course, with horrible language). i said what i wanted to say and then i was done. i figured it had been dropped since nothing had been said or done in a couple months. All of a sudden two weeks ago while picking my daughter up from school for a dr's appointment, my daughter jumped in the front seat buckled up and we headed out, my cousin and her friend were sitting in the school parking lot and decided it was necessary to call the police on me telling them that i had let a small child who was suppose to be in the back seat in a carseat up front, the police came to me, questioned me and saw that it was a complete lie and went on their way. why she found it necessary to start the bullshit all back up again i have no clue other than her being a trouble maker and drama whore. so it started back from there....
       From the wednesday she called the police on me, for the rest of that week and the whole week after that, she and the girl she drives around all day decided to blow me kisses, stick their tongues out, and give me the finger each and every morning at the elementary school where our kids attend. i let her and her friend do it all while i gave nothing but a smile because they were stupid enough to do all those things in front of the school i was determined to let them get themselves into trouble and that is exactly what they did... after the teacher that lets the kids out of the cars each morning had witnessed this for over a week she snapped and said she would going to handle it resulting in a letter being sent to my cousin and her friend saying they had been seen harassing me and giving lude gestures in front of the school, were given some guideline and rules for dropping their kids off and told that if it didnt stop they would be banned from the schools property. me being envolve also i was sent a copy of the letter they had recieved to know that the matter was being handled. this was on a friday. that next monday my other cousin decided to start up some crap with my husband over it all, and since none of them can handle their own shit and they all have to get involved i was not sursprise but completely pissed over it and i called them up. my cousin and her friend decided they were going to go to the school and raise some hell over them recieving the letter from them, and to excuse them giving me the finger and stuff in front of the school they made up the lie that i had tried to run them and their children over in the school parking lot, which the school knows is a lie. 15 minutes after leaving the school raising hell they caught me in houchens parking lot loading my groceries and decided to jump me. They ran their vehicle right up on me,  my cousin her friend and her father, jumped out on me screaming yelling, cursing, and trying to fight me right there in the middle of the day in a public place with tons of witnesses who saw them jump me while i was loading groceries. it got extremely ugly until the police showed up and ended it, it was a big mess all because they were blaming me for them getting into trouble at the school. i was recommended to go to the county attorney and i did were i found out they had filed on me saying i had tried to run over them in which i have proof i did not, i went ahead and filed a no contact order on them since it had gotten way out of hand and physical and they have not been served with their no contact no communication orders on all three of the ones that jumped me at the store. and yet they are still following me around town, and i have still been getting private calls letting me know i need to watch my back. but i will say this and i mean it with everything in me, they will not show up at my house, and they will not jump me again, i have taken precaustions to make sure that shit doesnt ever happen again. they are nothing but white trash, skanky, trouble makers, drama whores, that will never be anything in this life or have anything in this life and i will no longer allow myself to be associated with them in any way ever again. they are no relation to me and as far as i am concerned they do not exist and that is perfectly ok with me. so here i am on my way to trying to become a not so angry person, not a grudge holder, and a spiteful, vendictive person once again, its not going to be easy but im trying. i have to cause im gonna let them knock me down to their level. its just a sham that their are so many people out there that thrive on trying to bring others down to their very low level in life....but its not going to be me.....anymore.....

stick a fork in it

        This year has been somewhat of a difficult year for me so far. I have had alot of different things going on and i have felt very overwhelmed for the majority of these last 5 months. This semester has been a very difficult one for me, im not sure if it is the fact that i have taken 4 challenging class that required alot more work and attention or if it is the fact that i have not been motivated at all for this semester, or more than likely both combined. I am not doing well this semester and will come out with C and maybe even a D which is very disapointing because the last two semesters i have had all A's. Im really glad its almost over, im in my last week of classes and then i have finals week and then thank the Lord for a 3 month summer vacation. im really hoping i can be refreshed after summer break and will return in the fall with a better attitude for my school work, however the class routine will be different for me because i will have all online class except for one and i think that will work alot better for me.
       I was laid off from my job which was only very parttime to begin with, im kinda relieved because it removed one of the many things i had to do each day but then i do kinda miss the money that i made that was mine and ready to be blown. they said they may have me come back in afew months but im not sure if im gonna do it or not. we are totally in love with our new house, everything about it, however the cops have been called on my at least 6 or 7 times since we have been here by a very uptight neighbor down the street that doesnt like the fact that our small dogs bark when they are outside on our property in our fenced in backyard. im thinking about having a big party and im gonna invite all the cops in glasgow because we have all become quite good friends because of their recent stops at my house...lol its actually comical and when they are called we all kind of giggle now when they show up...
       I have been trying very hard these last severak month to dig deep into myself and figure a few things out, i believe i have made pretty good progress so far but are far from finished working on myself. I have really tried to eliminate all negative things from my life and i have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard i try those kind of things are always going to be around it just depends on how i react to them. after a few month of really having it out with a few people in my family that are nothing but drama filled and trouble makers i had decided to let it all go get over it and move on without allowing them to be a part of my life or have any kind of control over me at all. i had been doing so good and thought that it was all over and then yesturday when i went to my daughters school to pick her up early for a dr's appointment there she (the one i have been having trouble with) sat in her van looking at me as i went in and got my daughter. we came back out got in the car and drove away like i hadnt even seen her and then bam, as i was at the dr with my daughter the cops showed up at my house, this time because they had been called that i had let my small child that was suppose to be in the backseat in a carseat in the front seat. my daughter was in the front seat but she is very well big enough to be up there if i want her to be and far big enough to be out of a carseat a long long time ago. of course i was mad, i was fire mad but im not shocked because i had let it go and they are the kind of people that cant live without drama so they will do anything they have to create some, but trust me it will come back on them some day and ill be the one sitting back laughing at them then. i have still been dealing with my horrible father inlaw that i have tried my damndest to remove from my life, he has been stopping by my house knowing i he is not welcomed here and my husband has just been letting him so i had to get ugly about it and thankfully he hasnt been by in a week or so and hopefully that is the way it will stay. i have also learned really quick that some people in this world will say whatever they want to say knowing it is a lie and that it could completely ruin someones life, it has happened in my family recently and i have been fighting extremely hard to try and make sure it doesnt happen and as of now it is just a waiting game as to see what will happen if anything. not a feeling i like at all and i def dont like all the hurt it has caused to a family member of mine that i care deeply about.
       I have not been dealing well with the fact that my very best friend has moved away and i am unable to see or talk to her as much as i had been in the past. she is only about 30 minutes away but with my busy life and hers, it has been weeks since i have seen her and i havent talked to her hardly at all either. i dont like it but its something that i have no choice but to deal with. I also reallized that it has been like 8 months now since i have seen or even spoken to a certain person that at one point in my life was like a sister to me, she was my very best friend and im still finding it hard at times not having her in my life and being able to share all the awesome, crazy, crappy things that have gone on with me in these last several months, so much has changed with me that and im sure it has with her as well that we literally dont even know each other at all anymore. its saddens me at times but also something that i have no choice but to accept and deal with and lately i have been doing better with that as well. recently i decided that it was time to let everyone know a secret i had been hiding for  a long time, a habit if you choose that i have been doing and hiding from everyone in my  family and even though it is far being the worst thing i could do and everyone is a tad upset and disapointed in me for doing it they are dealing with it and it has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and alot of stress relieved since i dont really have to hide it anymore. and no im not on drugs or anything but i have been smoking cigs and no one knew.
       We added a new addition to the heller house this week, a black male pug, his name is Ace and he is just the cutest thing in  the world and a wonderful dog, so sweet. so now we have a full blooded pug Ace, a half boxer half pug Rayni, and a half shihtzu half pug Stormie, and they are all getting along so well and i love all my fur kids. things all in all have been good over my way.

getting old

years ago when we first got married and bought our home some of jasons friends thought of it as his bachlor pad instead of our home together. they were over every single day, until all hours of the night and half the time they stayed all night. i didnt feel like it was my home at first because of this, i didnt fully fee comfortable there, and def couldnt go about whatever i wanted to do because someone was always there somewhat in the way. i believe our relationship suffered some because of this and one day when i couldnt take it absolutely no more i told jason he was gonna have to do something about it...and he did and finally when there wasnt always someone there things were much much better for me in my home and for us as a couple...the year we got married actually the month we got married jasons dad decided to build a garage, a big garage one that jason had always wanted where he could do all the car audio work he needed to, filled with tools and supplies and jason dream come true. and then jason was no longer at home with me anymore, he worked the weekend shift at the dollar general warehouse which was friday saturday and sunday and mon through thursday he was at the garage all day long sometimes passed dinner time, there were many weeks that i brely saw him at all and yet again i struggled with it, he never really understood because it was something he was doing so a little side money and of course something that he completely loved to sometimes making me feel like he would rather do that any time than be with me and then me and the kids once they came along. well that particular shop is out of the story now but we have just recently moved to a new house and now he has yet again a garage, a muhc smaller one but still a garage and day and day out there is someone here getting there car worked on, or people hanging around while jason works on his and it may be that i have just been sick for a few days and have not really been in the mood to have other people at my hosue whether they are inside or outside or what but as each day passes and someone is always here and jason is always outside working on someones stuff or in the garage and i sit back and think that he doesnt help me with anything of our own that needs to be done i am getting more and more frustrated. i really dont know how much more i am going to be able to take cause i am very quickly beginning to feel uncomfortable in my own house yet again. cant do what i wanna do when i wanna do it and feeling like i always have to entertain someone. i mention it to him and he doesnt seem to care, and its not that i want him to give up the one thing that he loves (working on cars audio stuff) ut damn does it have to be every single day from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to work and then im in the bed before he gets back home. im just frustrated right now and wondering what i should do about it all.

love revived

dont get me wrong jason and i love each other with all our hearts, it has never faded throughout these 13 years we have been together but with our extremely busy lives these day with the kids the house both of us working and me in school we havent been able to spend hardly any time together alone, SO...... we decided to take a little 4 night 5 day vacation away from all that life has given us to take time just for us and our relationship, and boy did we need it. so off we went. we headed to the mountains, we had a beautiful cabin with a hot tub that we thoroughly enjoyed on those cooler evenings, we did alot of shopping, and eating, talking and having a great time. we took a horse carriage ride one night and took the skylift to the top of the mountain on another night and both were so romantic. we were able to relax soak it all in and just enjoy each other without all the daily stress we are used to. it was soooo nice, and even though we both missed the kids terribly we hated to see it all end at the end of the week. it had been 5 years sice we had taken a vacation but it had been nearly 8 years since we had taken a vacation just the two of us and it was long over due and we both vowed that we would never let it be that long before we took one ever again.
now we are very excited about hopefully being able to take another trip to the same area come fall with the kids so that they can enjoy it as well, there were so many things there that i know the kids would love so a trip in the fall is the plan.
this trip also helped me clear y head a bit of all the crap i had been having to deal with from people i would rather not be associated with. and that was a big thing i was hoping would be taken care of.
we wouldnt have been able to do anything if it werent for jason and my mothers and sisters volunteering to take wonderful care of our kids while we were gone and since we had never been away from them that long we were afraid it would be a difficult task but it wasnt, they did really well and had alot of fun with the family as well, so it was a win win.

snapfest

          We have been in our new house for like a little over 3 months now and we havent done a damn thing to any one of the neighbors near us to make them hate us and yet they are really pushing my damn buttons. we have two dogs, two small dogs that are HOUSE dogs that only go outside for very small periods of time to use the bathroom and might i add that we have a fenced in back yard, so there are always on our property. So this is a new place still for them and they are freakin dogs so yeah they bark sometimes but i have never just left them outside barking their damn heads off for hours at a time, yet a bitch neighbor of ours, who is like in her 60's felt it necessary to come to my house last thursday evening, rag my door bell, ran got in her car, cursed me like a damn dog when i opened the door, and without giving me a chance to rspond she drove off back to her house that is on the next road over. i was furious. i thought i was gonna have a freakin stroke i was so damn mad. so instead ofletting ugly tabatha comeout like i really wanted to and go to her house and handle my business i called for a police officer to come over so maybe they could relay my message to her that, that would NEVER ever happen again or i would whip her old ass all over my yard or hers which ever i had to do. so they went and talked to her and that was that. until tonight when while i had company i hear my doorbell ring once again and there stands yet another police officer saying there had been a complaint called in about my dogs barking. i informed him that my dogs have been in the house all day and the last time they had even went outside to use the bathroom was like 2 hours ago, he laughed and said no problem, me on the other hand, my blood was boiling. it is taking everything i have in me not to walk my fat ass over to her house right now. i know the bitch didnt hear my dogs barking for inside my house when she lives on the next street over. plus they are fucking dogs bitch, they will bark sometimes but they are always either in my house or in my yard, get the fuck over it. but im not gonna keep playig these little games with this old ass woman before i put an end to it for real and its not gonna be pretty at all, i can promise you that.
           An not only have i been ealing with stupid neighbors but i have been dealing with trouble making family members as well lately. the same ones i always have trouble with because if they dont have enough drama going on they find some one to make more trouble with and this time i was just not willing to let them do their thing, with threatening, running their mouths and making up lies with out responding back to their trashy skanky ways, and they didnt like what i had to say but it was all straight truth. i have said what i wanted to say to them and i am ready to handle it any other way i need to if it comes to that because i am at a point in my life where im really not willing to put of with people fucking shit anymore and i will stop it any way i have to. i can cut you down with my tongue but dont think i wont beat a bitches ass if i have to cause i will and right now im not really worried about it at all. so with all that said my little vacation alone with jason away from all the bullshit cant come fast enough and thankfully its only a couple days away cause i dont know how much more i can take before i have a snapfest on each and every person that has pissed me off.
          So if i dont come back home completely refreshed my little vacation alot of shit is about to go down cause i am beyond sick and tired of everyones bullshit.

JUST NOT FEELING IT

          I wake up in the morning and rush to get my shower, get my daughter up, dressed, hair and teeth brushed and out the door for school with 45 minutes to do it in. I take her to school by 7, and i head to my job which even though it only takes me an hour to an hour and half to do it is a 7 day a week job. As soon as i am done with my job i head straight to WKU for classes 3 days a week and must be there by 9am. and on the days i dont have class i have 2 online classes i do. When i finish class I try and do all the errands, bill paying, and grocery shopping i can get done in the short amount of time i have before i have to be back at the school to get my daughter at 2. When we get home we both do homework, and i start dinner, then we eat, we get baths, i clean, i get them in bed, i clean some more, then i try and study and do more homework after they are asleep so i can focus more. I also do thirtyone stuff nearly every single day as well. And like i didnt already have enough stuff to do, i have now takn on a workout regimen and i hit up curves monday, wednesday, and friday mornings, thursday nights for zumba and saturdays when the kids dont have ball games which will be starting back up again realy soon. I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep each night and i have been sick for what seems like forever cause i dont have time to get better. I think i may be loosing it. and i mean really loosing it. The last two semesters i have been able to work it all out and make good grades and be motivated and proud of myself and even though this semester has just started i am already feeling completely unmotivated with school and with my new workout regimen, and the lack of motivation is showing in my school work for sure, i did horrible on my first accounting test this week and now i have a history test tomorrow that i am also not prepared for. Im so frustrated. Im not really sure what my deal is really, cause other than be super duper busy everything else is goin great, i think i just need a break and im hoping that in two weeks when my husband and i take our little relaxation getaway, away from the house the kids the dogs, work, school and everyone and everything, im hoping i will come back refreshed and ready to catch back up and give it all my very best. i have just been feeling like i dont have time to breath let alone think or rest.
           And with all of this going on I have also been having some major family (aunt uncle and cousins) drama and i cant stress this enough that i am soooooooooooo over all the drama people bring to me and i dont want anything to do with any of it and yet as soon as i get one drama filled situation out of my life, here comes another. So i have been prayer for removal of it and of them from my life, whether temporary or permanant, i dont really care at this point. I dont want to see them, hear anything about them, talk to them or anything and i hope that they understand this or i will have to make it very clear in a very ugly way.
          SO let talk about this workout thing im doing, i actually really like it curves is an awesome place and i have met a bunch of awesome new people, no one judges you there and there are all kinds of different people that go there with all kinds of different body types so you dont feel bad about yourself. The circuit is wonderful because its quick workouts on several different machines so you dont get bored and you dont get sore, and zumba is intense but sooo much fun. ad even though i have been super motivated and determined to do this and try and make myself healthier, its not working as i thought it all would, today was my first weigh in and after a month of hard core working out i havent lost any weight, i have lost body fat mass and 5 inches but no weight and that is just very unmotivating and that worries me, cause i am def a quitter i cant lie so if i stay unmotivated i will more than likely stop going and i really dont want to do that. I have also been thinking about not going back to school next semester also which is a HORRIBLE thought for me to be having because that is what happened last time i was going to college, i had to take one semester off and i never went back not for 8 years and i really really want to get a degree and help make a better life for my family and help my husband get out of that factory and be able to work towards his dreams as well.
          And while im on my little rant, ill go ahead and lay it out that i want another baby. but i cant have one because my husband had a vasectomy. on most days i know that i have all that i need one girl and one boy that are wonderful and that i am soooo thankfu to have but deep deep down in me i really do want another one. so my baby sister is pregnant and i have tried to convience myself that whe she has the baby i will be able to get my baby fix and i this feeling i have been having will surely then pass but then i dont ever even see her or hear from her so what makes me think i will ever see the baby as much as i would like too, and my step sister is also pregnant and i wont ever get to see hers either, im kinda jealous that they are pregnant and i cant ever be again.
         And sometimes i feel like jason and i are in a rut when it comes to our realtionship and our marriage, we have been together nearly our whole lives and i wouldnt trade that for the world and dont get me wrong i want to be with im for the rest of my life no doubt about that , but we just dont ever seem to have time for one anothe anymore with everything else we both have going on and then he gets mad at me because i am so extremely exhausted all the time. whats a girl to do, so i book a small trip for just me and him, 4 night away from it all to relax, and enjoy each other with no time schedule and nothing planned, just winging it. and neither one of us can hardly wait, its just what we are needing i truely believe that. and now that my little rant is over i will end this here, but only for now, i will be back and that is a promise...hehe