fool me once shame on you...fool me a hundred times shame shame shame on me

I have just recently figured out how dumb i have been to allow someone to take any kind of control over my thoughts and actions. For years now i have done nothing but allowed one single person to, bring me down and keep me down, making me question myself and what kind of person i am and question the way i do things in the different relationships i am in with people. Now for anyone that really knows me, knows that this never happens, which is why i have been questioned by all my friends and family as to why i have allowed this to go on for so many years. and boy is that a good question that i dont really have an answer for. it actually puzzles me too.

I have now come to the conclusion as to why i have allowed this to go on...i am the kind of person that feels sorry for other quickly when they are piteful and mistreated by nearly everyone else, i have the tendency to try and swoop in and by the big hero. i find pleasure in helping other in need and feeling that satisfaction when i have done so. This girl was the perfect situation for me and i was sucked right in cause the poor thing always seemed to have something awful going on in her life, baby dady problems, family problems, boy problems, every single boyfriend had cheated on her and so on and so forth and she would always come running straight to me cause i would listen to all the crap, give truthful advise whether she took it or not, and showed her that someone in her life actually cared for her. i never asked for praise or acknowlegment for all the things i went out of my way to do for, andtrust me she never gave me any either. if i had been the kind of person that only did things for the praise then i would have never done anything else for her ever after the very first time cause she never appreciated a thing i did for her yet used me on and on again whenever something would come up and me being me would always give in and do all in my power for her cause no one else would have and i couldnt just leave her hanging all the time, it was already piteful as it was.

But here was the breaking point in it all, far and few between i have had some issues myself when i could have used her to be there for me as the friend she always said she was to me, but guess what she was never ever to be found when i needed something or someone, the first couple times i was shocked i def thought she would have cared as much for me as i did her and that she would have def been there for me the very same as i did her but after a while i realized in a harsh way that she felt nothing towards me as a friend as i did her, and from there on out i began seeing that if it wasnt me doing this and that for her there was no element to our friendship so for some damn odd reason i began going far and beyond for her to prove to her that i was gonna be the best friend to her that she could ever have and with the hopes that some day she would give half the effort towards me, well that shit never happened.

about five years ago we had our first big arguement over money, money that she owed me and when it all came down it money that she denied oweing me. that was the first time i saw the twists of stores and details unfold from her mouth. that fight threw out a few days resulting in her calling me every name under the sun and she dug for the most hurtful stuff she could find to throw at me, i did lash out back at her after several nasty messages but if you ask her now she has twisted it all around just like every other single situation that has arose. now with the final straw that has broke the camels back she once again showed me no reguard as a friend, and no respect as a person by ignoring phone calls and texts for days, like many times before, and then stood me up when plans had already been done. i simple et her know that i was done, done with the lies, done with the crap, done with whatever it was that she called a friendship between us, done with her. i had finally noticed that i had let her and her antics take over certain aspects of my mind that also effected my life. Not only was i having to deal with the lies, twisting of stories, talking about me behind my back, taking everything she does to people in her life and blaming me for doing them to her, acting out towards me and then denying it all in the same breath, but i was also having to deal with her making me question myself all the time, my mind always in a big jumble trying to figure her out and then letting the anger and hate that she was bring on me for her build up and making me feel as crazy and i was sure she was.

you can only push someone so far before they are no longer willing to put up with you anymore.. and that right there is where i am at, i dont want her in my life anymore, i dont want to know anything going on in her life anymore, i dont want her knowing anything going on in mine, i simple dont want to hear or speak her name anymore or ever see her face again...and as i know you may think this is harsh feelings for someone that i had once been such good friends with but you as a reader wouldnt know that there had never really been a true friendship with us...so after one argument months ago she had said to me that if i ever had a problem come up about us that she wanted me to let her know right then and there so we could talk about it and try and work it all out, well i have tried and tried and tried calling her many times and she will never answer my calls, so what did i do i would write her a message because for some reason she would ignor my calls and text but let me write her a facebook message and she would be all over it, reading it and responding with whatever crazy shit she thought necessary at the moment. she was also one quick to call me childish with the way i would handle things when she was doing the very same things i did but then would deny it all...facebook statues, nasty messages and text (all of which i have saved, and printed for proof) im not stupid but she sure thought i was, she acted like i hadnt been around for 10 years and i didnt know all her antics. and she had the nerve to tell me that i was the only person that has always put her down, kicked her while she was down and never thought another things about it, yet ALL of her other friends have all talked about her horribly behind her back some even at her own wedding, they have all at sometime or another have gotten tired of her crap just like i have and has been done with her until she gets to feeling guilty and comes running back begging. the only friend she hasnt had any problems with is one that live miles away but i assure you if they lived closer and she had to deal with her on a daily basis she would feel the very same. and she claims she has all these friends i dont know about but until recently i had been arund her often and knew everyone she interacted with and recently she has done nothing but sit on the couch at home, sleeping all day and staying up all night in a horrible depression so how in the world has she magically met all these new friends she claims she has...internet maybe. who knows. ut you know im over it and done with it all and ready to jump straight into a stress free life of not having to worry about her all the time...shew wee it really is a weight lifted off my shoulders and so peaceful watching that old raggedy beat todeath bridge burn straight to the ground...

there is plenty more i want to say but i have already spent way more time venting my feelings than i ever should have allowed myself for the simple fact that other than gettng it all off my chest all of this and her are not worth another single second of my life...i will not waste anything else on it...and even thought i know this is gonna be read and twisted and turned to please whatever twisted mind they have i really dont give a shit...this is my blog and i can write whatever i want just like my facebook as well, you write crap aboutme all the time and then call me childish when i do but i dont care anymore, read it and take and run with it all you want.

been a while

 well the cooler weather is apon us and i cant lie im actually really liking it, wearing jeans and a tshirt is so me... not that i am looing forward to winter cause i am NOT...i dont like cold weather and i def dont like snow... shew wee i have been so busy lately i dont even know if im coming or going, the bread job has been going good for me, but i was a little stressed when i had to cover my sisters bread job also when she was gone to miami to get married and honeymoon on a cruise...so glad she is back and im back to just mine. the extra money is nice as well. school has been going good as well im really enjoying all of my classes. riveranne is doing great in school as well, she is so smart. hoping after this friday when she get her tubes put in her hearing will be better and she wont have any troubles. i sure hope so anyways, i have been terribly worried about her over it. got ryder an apointment also so if he has problems with his ears maybe we can nip it in the bud before he goes to school next year.

Riveranne started he first season of soccer with the rec. dept. its way better than soccer at the ymca cause they are actually teaching them how to play instead of just letting them run arond kicking the ball. she is doing so well but i knew she would. ryder wats to play so badly, i cant wait until spring cause he will be able to start his first season at the ymca...i love being a soccer mom!!!

My aunt and uncle are doing well, im s thankful for that, i really could have lost them. they had a motorcycle accident on august 21st and after my uncle was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks he is home recovering with fractured shoulder,  vertebra in his neck, and broke ribs, my aunt is also home recovering with a boken back but at least they are alive...had a benefit for them a week ago and it went great but they still need alot of help. they have always been like parents to me so i dont know what i would have done if something would have happened to them. i cant even describe how grateful i am that the Lord was with them.

 and with this little update of whats been going on in my life there def will be more to come because i have so many stories to share...but now i have to run to class just thought i would sit here write and chill for a minute.