For my whole relationship i have had dreams about my hubby cheating on me. Very weird dreams that occur roughly a couple times a month and take right off from one another like a story. They are extremely real and the ones you just cant help but think about all day long, its really bothering me. Some people say its normal, some people say its healthy but i just think it is driving me crazy. The actually have been more realistic lately and more often as well, and even though i never not even once have i ever really thought jason was cheating on me i still have these dreams!
Not all of my dreams are about jason cheating on me, i have several dreams about an old friend of mine that i havent seen in years and years. I have dreams that i see him and i cant get to him or that someone knows where he is and they wont tell me and other dreams too. Its also a dream i have very often and is odd to me sometimes, i dont even think of him in my everyday life yet i dream of him nearly every single week. i wonder what that means, it really does make me rack my brain sometimes and really bothers me. what does these dreams really mean, whats going on in my head that i myself dont even know about, am i in some kind of denial about soemthings, whats the deal.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
i give up
it seems as the days go on and i try and believe things are all gonna work out some way or another i just keep getting disapointed. not like gas isnt high enough and hard enough to fill my big ass gas gusler up but everytime i have put a bunch of money worth of gas in the suburban it has broke down and i havent even been able to drive it, so there it is just sitting in the drive way with a nearly full tank of gas and full of money i didnt have to begin with and i cant even use it. we have fixed more things than i can even count or name just to try and sell the damn thing and it just keeps on messing up. what in the hell!!! i just dont understand it. And then my husband just keeps getting madder and madder about it all yet he is not willing to stop spending money on stuff we dont need like tv's and speakers and customizing our other blazer with every bit of the extra money we have instead of trying to figure out and get whatever is wrong with the one vehicle i have to depend on to get my and the kids around and the one vehicle that we are trying to sell. who is gonna buy a truck that doesnt run...NOONE!!! but no he just keeps on fussing about having to use "his" money to fix things on it. whenever i have "my" money which is not often but when i do it always goes to bills or something like that, never to anything i just want...
and not only is something always wrong with the truck but someone is always sick, first my daughter then my son then the hubby and then me, and who is the one they all want to take care of them? ME good ole mommy but as i have said many many times before when mommy finally gets down sick no one is there to take of me... so here i am sick yet still having to do everything around here, i am so exhausted, and sick, and my nerves are shot, im really thinking im gonna have to take up some kind of habit just to get me through. maybe drinking or something, maybe that would make me feel better cause these nerve pill they gave me sure arent working. i dont know what im gonna do. i couldnt even tell ya the last time i really felt calm, relaxed, with nothing on my mind to worry me to death, its literally always something around here. i need a job yet i cant get one because i dont have anyone to watch the kids. there no winning for loosing.
and not only is something always wrong with the truck but someone is always sick, first my daughter then my son then the hubby and then me, and who is the one they all want to take care of them? ME good ole mommy but as i have said many many times before when mommy finally gets down sick no one is there to take of me... so here i am sick yet still having to do everything around here, i am so exhausted, and sick, and my nerves are shot, im really thinking im gonna have to take up some kind of habit just to get me through. maybe drinking or something, maybe that would make me feel better cause these nerve pill they gave me sure arent working. i dont know what im gonna do. i couldnt even tell ya the last time i really felt calm, relaxed, with nothing on my mind to worry me to death, its literally always something around here. i need a job yet i cant get one because i dont have anyone to watch the kids. there no winning for loosing.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
more things that irritate me to death.
1. When people use things that are yours and treat it with no respect, and then ends up tearing it up and wont replace it. They think its no big deal and that they dont have to. Or people that own you money and doesnt think another thing about it, knowing everyone could use extra money now adays but they would rather blow it on stupid stuff than pay back their debts. never loan money to family or friends and expect it back because it will do nothing but ruin your relationship.
2. i hate it when people try and bust you out in front of other people about things they dont even know about, just mind your own business and dont worry about what i do and when i do it, if you are not sleeping with me and paying my bills then you dont have the right to know what i do in my house, with my money, or my time.
3. i cant stand people that run their mouths about other people when they themselve are the very same as them, must be in denial or something because everything they say is exactly the way they are. look in the mirror.
4. and i really cant stand when parents spoil their children and give them any and everything they want whenever they want it. its hilarious yet very annoying at the same time to watch a child run the house, telling the parent how its gonna be and no rules or decipline, its a shame really. the kids arent anything but spoiled little brats that no one can stand being around and will probably end up in jail or something. none of that shit goes on in my house let me tell ya. my kids know im boss and what i say goes.
5. hates it when you call and call and text and text and never get an answer, i mean can you not answer and tell me if you busy or dont want to talk. no response just pisses me off.
6. and having a ton of so called friends and hardly any of them would be there if i really needed them.
7 i cant stand bad drivers and i usually end up with a horrible case of road rage.
8.i hate people that feel like they have to lie all the time to make themselves look better in other peoples eyes. its quite sad really.
2. i hate it when people try and bust you out in front of other people about things they dont even know about, just mind your own business and dont worry about what i do and when i do it, if you are not sleeping with me and paying my bills then you dont have the right to know what i do in my house, with my money, or my time.
3. i cant stand people that run their mouths about other people when they themselve are the very same as them, must be in denial or something because everything they say is exactly the way they are. look in the mirror.
4. and i really cant stand when parents spoil their children and give them any and everything they want whenever they want it. its hilarious yet very annoying at the same time to watch a child run the house, telling the parent how its gonna be and no rules or decipline, its a shame really. the kids arent anything but spoiled little brats that no one can stand being around and will probably end up in jail or something. none of that shit goes on in my house let me tell ya. my kids know im boss and what i say goes.
5. hates it when you call and call and text and text and never get an answer, i mean can you not answer and tell me if you busy or dont want to talk. no response just pisses me off.
6. and having a ton of so called friends and hardly any of them would be there if i really needed them.
7 i cant stand bad drivers and i usually end up with a horrible case of road rage.
8.i hate people that feel like they have to lie all the time to make themselves look better in other peoples eyes. its quite sad really.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
things that irritate me to death
1. Girls that feel the need to make sure everyone know they have low self esteem and fish around so that someone will compliment them all the time. really meaning they think they are cute and just need to hear it all the time. It really just gets on my nerves, get over yourself for real. Half the time people just compliment you because you are fishing for one, not really because you are looking cute that day. fishing for compliments is not cute!
2. I can not stand someone that thinks others own them something because of their race or some other reasons like being a spoiled little brat. get over it and make things happen for yourself instead of relying on others and thinking others owe you this and that. Its ridiculous really. Oh and people who also forget where and who they come from and how they were raised, thinking they are better than their family, hello you came from the same people. and you aren't any better nor should you be ashamed either. such spoiled brats really piss me off.
3. i can not stand family and friends that only use you for what you can do for them and then are done with ya, and not so oddly enough are no where to be found when you need something...funny i think not.
4.i also cant stand horrible parents that fish for praises on how great parents they think they are, things like that are obvious so your not fulling anyone.
5. i hate it how when a man is sick he is up in the bed cant move, cant get up, cant do anything at all but lay there dying but when a woman is sick she still has to do everything like nothing is different with no help and when she does ask for help then she is looked at like she has no right to get sick. its sad a wife and mother can get any help when she is down for the count.
6. liars of all shapes and sizes.
7. two faced people, which is nearly everyone
8. people who talk bad to you about all their family and other friends and then actually believe you think they dont talk about you behind your back.
9. i cant stand people who will tell anyone your best friends but then you never talk, see each other or anything, sorry thats not considered best friends.
10.i cant stand people who keep on talking the same shit over and over and over again every single time they see you, who cares. get over it move on your not the victim your a nut job that causes all the trouble and then lies about it
more to come later
2. I can not stand someone that thinks others own them something because of their race or some other reasons like being a spoiled little brat. get over it and make things happen for yourself instead of relying on others and thinking others owe you this and that. Its ridiculous really. Oh and people who also forget where and who they come from and how they were raised, thinking they are better than their family, hello you came from the same people. and you aren't any better nor should you be ashamed either. such spoiled brats really piss me off.
3. i can not stand family and friends that only use you for what you can do for them and then are done with ya, and not so oddly enough are no where to be found when you need something...funny i think not.
4.i also cant stand horrible parents that fish for praises on how great parents they think they are, things like that are obvious so your not fulling anyone.
5. i hate it how when a man is sick he is up in the bed cant move, cant get up, cant do anything at all but lay there dying but when a woman is sick she still has to do everything like nothing is different with no help and when she does ask for help then she is looked at like she has no right to get sick. its sad a wife and mother can get any help when she is down for the count.
6. liars of all shapes and sizes.
7. two faced people, which is nearly everyone
8. people who talk bad to you about all their family and other friends and then actually believe you think they dont talk about you behind your back.
9. i cant stand people who will tell anyone your best friends but then you never talk, see each other or anything, sorry thats not considered best friends.
10.i cant stand people who keep on talking the same shit over and over and over again every single time they see you, who cares. get over it move on your not the victim your a nut job that causes all the trouble and then lies about it
more to come later
Friday, May 6, 2011
mothers
With mothers day approaching i have been sitting here thinking about all the great mothers that have been in my life. They have taught me, taken care of me, loved me, kept me straight, and inspired me. so i thought i would honor them and reflect on all the things they have done for me in my life to help make me the person and mother i am today.
My mother, one of the best mothers around. She has always been the one to take care of me, help and encourage me every day of my life. When i was a child she was the one that was always there for everything i did. cheering me on. she kept me inline and made me a good person. She probably doesnt even know it but she really saved my life, at a time things were horrible in my life she took me in and changed my life for the better, if it werent for her i dont know what would have happened or where i would be. We have a normal mother daughter relationship and a not so normal mother daughter relationship. She has been a great friend to me as well, very understanding and caring, and not only has she been there for me but she has been there for my husband and my kids whenever we need her. She is a great woman and a wonderful mother.
My mamaw was my world and even thought i only had her in my life for a very short 5 years she meant everything to me. In her eyes, i was IT! It seemed as though i was always with her and i loved every minute and cherrish all those memories. She loved me and spoiled me and always made me feel special. I love her and miss her terribly and would give anything for her to be here and see my children cause i know she would make them feel the same way she did me. I know she is watching over me.
My ma was an exceptional woman. a hard worker and would do anything for each one of her kids and many grandkids. She always showed us that she loved us and took great care of us, as we spent alot fo time with her because she watched us in the summertime. I also love her and miss her terribly wishing my children would have been able to know her and how great she was.
My mother in law is great, she welcomed me into the family and treated me just like i was her own daughter. always willing to help if we need her too.
My stepmother is a great person and lots of fun. her and i were great friends and coworkers before she ever became my step mother and i love her to death, she is such a hardworker and would do anything that she possible could to help you out if you needed her, sometime to a flaw because it seem some take avantage of her.
Last but far from least is one of my aunts. she had always been like a second mother to me. always taking good care of me and shows she loves me. she has been there for me so many times when now i did know to do or where to go, she was there. i could never thank her enough for all that she has done for me over the years. she reminds me alot fo my ma. which is a huge honor.
And with all these wonderful mothers in my life, how could i not have learned all i could ever need to know to be a great mother myself. I would like to think that i am a great mother like all of them have been. I find myself thinking many times about what they would do in certain situations and im just so thankful that a part of each of them are in me and i can show that same kind of unconditional love to my children and grandchild some day.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO THE ALL!!!
My mother, one of the best mothers around. She has always been the one to take care of me, help and encourage me every day of my life. When i was a child she was the one that was always there for everything i did. cheering me on. she kept me inline and made me a good person. She probably doesnt even know it but she really saved my life, at a time things were horrible in my life she took me in and changed my life for the better, if it werent for her i dont know what would have happened or where i would be. We have a normal mother daughter relationship and a not so normal mother daughter relationship. She has been a great friend to me as well, very understanding and caring, and not only has she been there for me but she has been there for my husband and my kids whenever we need her. She is a great woman and a wonderful mother.
My mamaw was my world and even thought i only had her in my life for a very short 5 years she meant everything to me. In her eyes, i was IT! It seemed as though i was always with her and i loved every minute and cherrish all those memories. She loved me and spoiled me and always made me feel special. I love her and miss her terribly and would give anything for her to be here and see my children cause i know she would make them feel the same way she did me. I know she is watching over me.
My ma was an exceptional woman. a hard worker and would do anything for each one of her kids and many grandkids. She always showed us that she loved us and took great care of us, as we spent alot fo time with her because she watched us in the summertime. I also love her and miss her terribly wishing my children would have been able to know her and how great she was.
My mother in law is great, she welcomed me into the family and treated me just like i was her own daughter. always willing to help if we need her too.
My stepmother is a great person and lots of fun. her and i were great friends and coworkers before she ever became my step mother and i love her to death, she is such a hardworker and would do anything that she possible could to help you out if you needed her, sometime to a flaw because it seem some take avantage of her.
Last but far from least is one of my aunts. she had always been like a second mother to me. always taking good care of me and shows she loves me. she has been there for me so many times when now i did know to do or where to go, she was there. i could never thank her enough for all that she has done for me over the years. she reminds me alot fo my ma. which is a huge honor.
And with all these wonderful mothers in my life, how could i not have learned all i could ever need to know to be a great mother myself. I would like to think that i am a great mother like all of them have been. I find myself thinking many times about what they would do in certain situations and im just so thankful that a part of each of them are in me and i can show that same kind of unconditional love to my children and grandchild some day.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO THE ALL!!!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
conclusions
My first semester back to college has been awesome. I really wanted to go back therefore i have really enjoyed myself and my classes and i have worked really really hard to my very best and i dont want to brag but i have done really really well. Gonna walk away from this semester with three A's and a B so yep im pretty proud of myself. And as the conclusion of this semester approaching i have been having such a fun time thinking, planning and registering for classes in the fall...i really cant wait for it cause im gonna be taking some really fun classes one being a meteorology class that i am the most excited about. If you know me then you know that i have always loved weather, mostly storms. I have also always had a fascination with tornadoes and what better way to be able to enjoy these things and my possible career than to change my major from accounting to meteorology. So thats what im gonna do! yay.
As much i enjoyed my classes themselves it was also really nice to get out of the house and have a few hours a week away from the house and the kids and all my responsibilities there. dont get me wrong i totally love being a stay home mom and taking care of my kids hubby and house but everyone needs a break every now and again and time to do something for themselves and i can truly say that going back to school has really made me feel better about my family's future and better about myself. i had gotten to a point in my life that i felt even though i took care of everyone and everything at home i felt as if i wasnt doing anything productive and now i dont really feel that way. i have a feeling of accomplishment. Still got quite a way to go but hey its a start!!!
I have come to yet another conclusion recently as well. I have decided that it doesnt matter what all i do for other and how little is done for me. Im just gonna roll with the punches from now on, im not gonna get upset, hurt feelings or angry about any of it anymore. When something comes up with someone i care about i do for them the way i want to do for them, i do for them the way i would love for someone to do for me. i do what i feel needs to be done and what i should do being it is someone i care for whether i think they would ever do the same for me or not, most never would, but still i cant help but be there for them because that it the kind of person i am. i will be glad for each and every phone call, even if they are weeks apart. i will be grateful for each visit even if i have to go to them and they never come to my house to visit! i will be glad that i have people i can call my friends even though we hardly ever hang out or make plans together to do things together ever. i will just be glad i have something i guess. i understand everyone is busy. heck im busy! And when something is going on in my life i will not expect a call, text, message, or a visit but will be thankful if i actually do get one. i have realized it is not realistic for me to think that just because im completely involved and care about nearly everything that goes on my my "friends" lives that they feel the same way about me and after all these years i am finally OK with that. i understand!!! its all good i love my family and my friends!!!
So i am healing up quite well from my surgery, still get a little sore in my side when i do alot of stuff and i still cant wear my regular jeans because it feels like it is ripping my belly button incision open but other than that im doing really well. my kids have been really working me over though cause they know that i cant jerk a knot in their tail yet so they have been acting up a little more but all will be back to normal very soon and they will be straightened back up very soon.
So today was jasons 28th birthday and the poor thing was in a very bad mood all day because we had some issues with my suburban. and with all the new copays i have been having because of all the dr visits and stuff and then the hospital bills to come we just dont have any extra money to fix all the things we need to fix on the suburban just so we can hopefully sell it and get out from under the extreme gas prices that have also been taking alot of extra money from us. we just can win for losing sometimes but i know that everything will work out someway somehow cause it always does. The LORD always takes care of us and i have faith that he always will!!!
My daughter has just started playing here first season of tball and she is loving it. She looks so adorable in her uniform and is actually a very good player. she can hit that ball without using the T. i am so proud and there is nothing i love more than watching her have fun doing the stuff she wants to do. im one of those moms you see on the sidelines screaming and cheering very loudly for my baby. i just love it and i hope that im not too embarrassing. My son is the cutest little thing as well, he is too young to play but loves watching his big sister and wants to get out there and play so badly, it doesnt matter if its soccer, basketball, or tball they both love it all and whatever they want to do they get to do because i love to watch them have fun... they make me so proud and brighten my days.
And as i could go on and on and on about lots of little things going on in my wonderful life i have decided to end this here and get my big tired but in the bed...goodnight world
As much i enjoyed my classes themselves it was also really nice to get out of the house and have a few hours a week away from the house and the kids and all my responsibilities there. dont get me wrong i totally love being a stay home mom and taking care of my kids hubby and house but everyone needs a break every now and again and time to do something for themselves and i can truly say that going back to school has really made me feel better about my family's future and better about myself. i had gotten to a point in my life that i felt even though i took care of everyone and everything at home i felt as if i wasnt doing anything productive and now i dont really feel that way. i have a feeling of accomplishment. Still got quite a way to go but hey its a start!!!
I have come to yet another conclusion recently as well. I have decided that it doesnt matter what all i do for other and how little is done for me. Im just gonna roll with the punches from now on, im not gonna get upset, hurt feelings or angry about any of it anymore. When something comes up with someone i care about i do for them the way i want to do for them, i do for them the way i would love for someone to do for me. i do what i feel needs to be done and what i should do being it is someone i care for whether i think they would ever do the same for me or not, most never would, but still i cant help but be there for them because that it the kind of person i am. i will be glad for each and every phone call, even if they are weeks apart. i will be grateful for each visit even if i have to go to them and they never come to my house to visit! i will be glad that i have people i can call my friends even though we hardly ever hang out or make plans together to do things together ever. i will just be glad i have something i guess. i understand everyone is busy. heck im busy! And when something is going on in my life i will not expect a call, text, message, or a visit but will be thankful if i actually do get one. i have realized it is not realistic for me to think that just because im completely involved and care about nearly everything that goes on my my "friends" lives that they feel the same way about me and after all these years i am finally OK with that. i understand!!! its all good i love my family and my friends!!!
So i am healing up quite well from my surgery, still get a little sore in my side when i do alot of stuff and i still cant wear my regular jeans because it feels like it is ripping my belly button incision open but other than that im doing really well. my kids have been really working me over though cause they know that i cant jerk a knot in their tail yet so they have been acting up a little more but all will be back to normal very soon and they will be straightened back up very soon.
So today was jasons 28th birthday and the poor thing was in a very bad mood all day because we had some issues with my suburban. and with all the new copays i have been having because of all the dr visits and stuff and then the hospital bills to come we just dont have any extra money to fix all the things we need to fix on the suburban just so we can hopefully sell it and get out from under the extreme gas prices that have also been taking alot of extra money from us. we just can win for losing sometimes but i know that everything will work out someway somehow cause it always does. The LORD always takes care of us and i have faith that he always will!!!
My daughter has just started playing here first season of tball and she is loving it. She looks so adorable in her uniform and is actually a very good player. she can hit that ball without using the T. i am so proud and there is nothing i love more than watching her have fun doing the stuff she wants to do. im one of those moms you see on the sidelines screaming and cheering very loudly for my baby. i just love it and i hope that im not too embarrassing. My son is the cutest little thing as well, he is too young to play but loves watching his big sister and wants to get out there and play so badly, it doesnt matter if its soccer, basketball, or tball they both love it all and whatever they want to do they get to do because i love to watch them have fun... they make me so proud and brighten my days.
And as i could go on and on and on about lots of little things going on in my wonderful life i have decided to end this here and get my big tired but in the bed...goodnight world