march 10th 2016 worst day of my entire life

this day will forever be burned into my brain and heart. my uncle CB was a huge influence in my life, many times he was more of a father than my own father was, and he even walked me down the isle the day i got married. i loved him more than he will ever know, so on march 10th 2016 the day HE passed away, changed me and my life forever. ive been through alot of shit in my life and i have lost alot of people that i loved as well but nothing will ever compare to me losing my uncle CB. See he had been sick for a while and in the hospital in our town for days and i made sure i was there every single day with him. The early morning when he first went into the hospital i went running to be with him and when i walked in my aunt turned to him and said Tabatha is here, and he looked my way and said I KNEW SHE WOULD BE!! oh it just melted my heart and he was right i would always be there when they needed me. for days i sat with him in the hospital here before they decided he needed to go to louisville for better help. the day the ambulance came to get him and take i held his hand and walk alongside his bed as they pushed him out, at this time he was none verbal but he would let us know he knew and understood what we were saying to him, so i bent over him, kissed his forehead and told him everything was gonna be ok, he was gonna be ok and that i would be up to louisville asap to be with him. a whole week went by with CB in louisville and i wasnt able to find a sitter and make up there to be with him and then one march 10th when i finally had someone to sit with my kids and i was headed to louisville in the pouring rain, i was less than halfway there when i got the call saying i needed to turn around because he was passing. as soon as i walked back into my house they called me again and told me he was gone. ill never forget it as long as i live. at that very moment something in my broke, i crumpled to the floor and sobbed for hours, its a feeling i have never felt before, something in me died the day he left this earth and i havent been and never will be the same ever again. i have been eat up with guilt ever since because i told him i would be there and i never made it there to be with him, i feel like i let him down and that he will never know how much he meant to me and how much i will always love and miss him. its been over a year and i still struggle with losing him every single day.

Feb 14th 2016 valentines day

for many years me and my husband have not celebrated certain things like our anniversary and valentines day, not by my choice but by my husbands where he stated there was no need to do anything because they were just another day to him. so feb 14 2016 came and D had his kids for the weekend and had asked me if i could help him takes his kids back home to their mother in another city because he still hadnt been able to get his license or a vehicle. so what did i do, i went to my husband and asked him if we had any plans for that valentines day and he of course said no and that he didnt mind at all if i went and helped D take his kids back home thats what i did. i showed up at D house that morning, picked him and his two kids up and we headed out. we had made plans to stop a get his kids some new shoes before we took them on home and thats what we did. all of a sudden it started snowing while we were in the shoe store and didnt ever stop, we were roughly 50 miles from D house and the snow was coming down so quickly we got nervous and took the kids on home and was trying to make our way back safely. what would have usually been a 30 minute drive back to his house ended up take nearly 3 hours with horrible road conditions, driving 15 mph, it was scary and dangerous and even though i was the one driving he was very helpful, and protective. once we finally got to his house my car was buried in the snow (we had driven his mothers car out of town) up pasted my tires and the roads were very dangerous. and let me remind you that i had already been with D for hours and it was valentines day and i had not heard a word from my husband the entire time even with him knowing it was snowing so badly out he never called or texted me at all. this was the first time i was torn between the 2 men. i called my husband and told him that my car was snowed in and i was snowed in at D house with him and his mother. J (my husband) freaked for the first time and demanded that i get home to him asap. he told me it didnt matter how snowed in my car was he wanted me to dig it out and get my butt home cause he was not gonna have me snowed in with D. on the other side, D was worried about my safety cause he saw how bad the roads were and horrible it was just trying to get back to his house and how dangerous it was. he wanted me to just chill at his house for a while until things were a big safer for me to travel on home, he even said i could stay in his room and he would stay on the couch, D was mad that J wasnt worried or concerned with my safety at all. but none the less J ran his mouth enough until i got out and dug my car free and headed home. a trip that should have taken me 15 minutes too me over an hour, i was alone and it was extremely rough on the roads. my husband never called to check on me as i traveled home but did text me about needing dog food and wanted me to stop at the store and get some, he had no reguards to my safety and well being at all. i was mad and crushed, but not surprised. D was furious. and soooooo the worst decision of my life continued........

2016 worst year of my life began

January 26th 2016. the worst mistake of my life began on this very day when HE contacted me on facebook. i was some what taken back when i saw a message from D. i had known him years earlier in school and we had been great friends. however he had chosen to take a very different road than myself  later in school and i had lost touch with him. hadnt seen him in years, but here was messaging me out of the blue talking about my foster kids who i quickly found out were his cousins, and catching up on things that had happened in our lives since we last saw each other years ago. we chatted for days where i found out he had, had a very rough life since i had last saw him, he had just gotten out of jail, was living with his mother who is a horrible person, and was having a hard time finding a job to get back on his feet. i had always thought a lot of him and since i was a stay at home mama at the time and had alot of free time that i should try and help him as much as i could. so i started picking him up and taking him around to find jobs and see what help he could get. with chatting so much and me taking him around and talking we began hanging out some and chilling talking watching movies and listening to music. i enjoyed hanging out with him, we seemed to like the same kinds of movies and music and enjoyed hanging out with each other. he was always so kind and sweet to me, giving me compliments all the time, making me feel special and appreciated for all the help i was giving him, and quickly i was sucked in. i began catching feelings for him, i had always found him attractive but the fact that he was making me a priority, making sure i knew he wanted to see me and talk to me every single day, always lifting my spirits and making me feel special and these were things i have not had or felt in so many years and i was sucked in. i was falling for him and i knew it was not a good thing especially since i was married but i didnt even seem to care. i loved D. and so the worst mistake of my life began.....