new opportunities

so i have had alot of things that have brought me to this moment in my life, first being the fact that my husband got a vasectomy without me wanting him too right after our son was born, i wanted more kids, second being working in the special needs dept at my kids school and seeing a special needs girl that was neglected and needed taking care of. so now after heavy thought and prayer and lots of begging to my husband we will be starting foster care classes this september. yes i know these will not be my children but i will be able to help a child feed, bath and clothes them even if just for a short while, and im willing to take any child even special needs and give them the love that they need. yes giving them back will surely be hard for me but i know that, that is the way it all works and i am more than willing to do what i can when i can. now i have had another offer be made to me as of today, to be a surrogate mother for a couple that has had horrible troubles having a child of their own. wow i dont even know where to begin with this one but something deep down in me wants to do it but then i dont think i would be able to live knowing i had given birth (a c section) to a child that wasnt mine and that i didnt get to have a relationship with in some kinda of way. lots of thought and prayer are going to have to go into this. however i would give anything to have another child of my own, a mother is all i have ever wanted to be and if i do say so myself i do make beautiful children its a shame that i had to stop with two, even though those two are my heart and soul and i am beyond thankful and blessed with the two perfect healthy children i have, its just a longing i still have to have just one more of my own....i just love kids i cant help it.

football playing girl

so in the last year or so my daughter who has never been a girly girl has taken it even further. all of a sudden she no longer wants to wear girls clothing, or shoes, doesnt want to play anything girly and has even made comments of wanting to be a boy and when her and the boys play games she always plays a boy. she even went and cut all of her hair off also. she is 9 years old and even though i am very supportive when it comes to things like this i dont think my daughter is transgender or even in that fact gay. i think this is some sort of phase and either way im just going with the flow. she has tons of girl clothes so no i will not be getting rid of all those and replacing them with boy clothes because i cant afford to do something like that but whenever we do purchase new things i have tried my best to buy her boy clothing that she will like, i let her cut her hair off because i in fact have short hair and how could i not let her do the same. and as she has always been completely into sports like soccer and basketball she has decided this year that she also wants to play football so guess what this mama is gonna do, im signing her up for football, shes a big rough and tough girl im excited for her to show those boys what she is made of. the reason i think this is only a phase at this point is because her and i have sit down and had a couple of good long talks about it all and she still likes boys and has lil boyfriends, she just isnt girly and therefore she doesnt enjoy playing girly things and tends to navigate towards the boys and the things they like to play and thats perfectly normal and fine. she just say she wants to be a boy because at school they make them play games girls against boys and of course she is placed on the girls team and they always lose, she doesnt like losing, she wants to be a boy so she can be on the better team and win, which i think is funny. however even though i am supporting her in everything she does and says i still make known and very clear that girls can do anything and everything a boy can do and be just as successful and still be a girl. i just love her to the moon and back and want her to know that she can be anything she wants to be and can do anything she sets her mind to and be proud the problem is she has been struggling with making friends because of this because the girls dont accept her because she isnt girly and the majority of the boys dont either because at this age she is still just a girl and it doesnt matter that she likes all the stuff they do and can in fact do them better than most of them but hopefully this is will all work itself out soon, i hate to see her struggle so much over something that isnt that big of a deal.

back to the grind

so after being a stay at home mama for nearly 10 years, only working part time here and there while attending college full time i finally graduated college with an interdisciplinary degree emphasis in business and humanities i prayed and prayed for a full time position at the school where my children attend and where i had been working part time in the preschool and special needs department. after filling out applications for 6 different positions and praying very hard I GOT A FULL TIME POSITION. in fact at the school where i was already working and my kids go. i am now the new full time kindergarten instructional assistant and i can not even express how excited i am about this. not only am i full time and able to help more to provide for my family but my two boys ryder and gage are also going to be in kindergarten therefore while working i will also be able to be there for all their special moments and partake in them with them. the LORD is good and always provides and never fails us and for that i so thankful.

wrecking ball

one year ago this month i came back in contact with someone from high school. this person was a friend of mine, i met him my sophomore year, he was a junior, he was very kind, caring, poetic with words, and quite good looking, however at the time of me meeting him i had already been with jason for nearly 2 years and was madly in love already. there was a time while we were in high school that he had made it known to me that he wanted to be more than friends with me but respect my relationship with jason. i cant lie i had gained feelings for him and therefore had to end our friendship because i was not willing to give up anything that i had with jason (i still am not willing to do so) jason and i have now been together for 15 years now and married for 11 of those and have 2 beautiful children a wonderful home and an amazing life. i am still madly in love with jason. no relationship is perfect and this time last year we were in the middle of a rough patch when i came  back in contact with this guy on facebook. it has been 12 years since i have seen him (i will refer to him as BAS) and throughout those 12 years i have always thought of him, wondered where he was, how he was doing, and would have dreams all the time of seeing him and not being able to reach him. it really has been something that has "haunted" me from the last time i saw him. so when i found him on facebook a year ago i was overly excited to hear from him again. i lit up like i havent in years, of course it probably was not the best time for the reconnection and especially the fact that he let me know that he still felt the same way about me, was so glad to have found me, and was full of all kinds of flattery that i wasnt getting from the man that was suppose to be doing those things. dont get me wrong nothing inappropriate happened, we didnt meet up or anything like that, i wouldnt do that but i cant lie and say that it didnt bring up some feelings of "what if" and the fact that i may have always had some kind of feelings for BAS since i have always thought of him and wondered. all these years of thinking of him and wondering about him had a hold on me so when i found him i didnt want to let it go, somehow i feel like i need him in my life and i dont know what to do about it or where he would fit in my life anyways. we ended the reconnection and communication because i was very confused and afraid of what might happen but now i feel devastated that i cant talk to him and stuff like i have lost him all over again like i did 12 years ago when he graduated and moved away. and i dont know if i can handle that again, i feel like i need him someway and i just dont know, i still freaking think about him every single day...what is wrong with me, what should i do?