I wake up in the morning and rush to get my shower, get my daughter up, dressed, hair and teeth brushed and out the door for school with 45 minutes to do it in. I take her to school by 7, and i head to my job which even though it only takes me an hour to an hour and half to do it is a 7 day a week job. As soon as i am done with my job i head straight to WKU for classes 3 days a week and must be there by 9am. and on the days i dont have class i have 2 online classes i do. When i finish class I try and do all the errands, bill paying, and grocery shopping i can get done in the short amount of time i have before i have to be back at the school to get my daughter at 2. When we get home we both do homework, and i start dinner, then we eat, we get baths, i clean, i get them in bed, i clean some more, then i try and study and do more homework after they are asleep so i can focus more. I also do thirtyone stuff nearly every single day as well. And like i didnt already have enough stuff to do, i have now takn on a workout regimen and i hit up curves monday, wednesday, and friday mornings, thursday nights for zumba and saturdays when the kids dont have ball games which will be starting back up again realy soon. I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep each night and i have been sick for what seems like forever cause i dont have time to get better. I think i may be loosing it. and i mean really loosing it. The last two semesters i have been able to work it all out and make good grades and be motivated and proud of myself and even though this semester has just started i am already feeling completely unmotivated with school and with my new workout regimen, and the lack of motivation is showing in my school work for sure, i did horrible on my first accounting test this week and now i have a history test tomorrow that i am also not prepared for. Im so frustrated. Im not really sure what my deal is really, cause other than be super duper busy everything else is goin great, i think i just need a break and im hoping that in two weeks when my husband and i take our little relaxation getaway, away from the house the kids the dogs, work, school and everyone and everything, im hoping i will come back refreshed and ready to catch back up and give it all my very best. i have just been feeling like i dont have time to breath let alone think or rest.
And with all of this going on I have also been having some major family (aunt uncle and cousins) drama and i cant stress this enough that i am soooooooooooo over all the drama people bring to me and i dont want anything to do with any of it and yet as soon as i get one drama filled situation out of my life, here comes another. So i have been prayer for removal of it and of them from my life, whether temporary or permanant, i dont really care at this point. I dont want to see them, hear anything about them, talk to them or anything and i hope that they understand this or i will have to make it very clear in a very ugly way.
SO let talk about this workout thing im doing, i actually really like it curves is an awesome place and i have met a bunch of awesome new people, no one judges you there and there are all kinds of different people that go there with all kinds of different body types so you dont feel bad about yourself. The circuit is wonderful because its quick workouts on several different machines so you dont get bored and you dont get sore, and zumba is intense but sooo much fun. ad even though i have been super motivated and determined to do this and try and make myself healthier, its not working as i thought it all would, today was my first weigh in and after a month of hard core working out i havent lost any weight, i have lost body fat mass and 5 inches but no weight and that is just very unmotivating and that worries me, cause i am def a quitter i cant lie so if i stay unmotivated i will more than likely stop going and i really dont want to do that. I have also been thinking about not going back to school next semester also which is a HORRIBLE thought for me to be having because that is what happened last time i was going to college, i had to take one semester off and i never went back not for 8 years and i really really want to get a degree and help make a better life for my family and help my husband get out of that factory and be able to work towards his dreams as well.
And while im on my little rant, ill go ahead and lay it out that i want another baby. but i cant have one because my husband had a vasectomy. on most days i know that i have all that i need one girl and one boy that are wonderful and that i am soooo thankfu to have but deep deep down in me i really do want another one. so my baby sister is pregnant and i have tried to convience myself that whe she has the baby i will be able to get my baby fix and i this feeling i have been having will surely then pass but then i dont ever even see her or hear from her so what makes me think i will ever see the baby as much as i would like too, and my step sister is also pregnant and i wont ever get to see hers either, im kinda jealous that they are pregnant and i cant ever be again.
And sometimes i feel like jason and i are in a rut when it comes to our realtionship and our marriage, we have been together nearly our whole lives and i wouldnt trade that for the world and dont get me wrong i want to be with im for the rest of my life no doubt about that , but we just dont ever seem to have time for one anothe anymore with everything else we both have going on and then he gets mad at me because i am so extremely exhausted all the time. whats a girl to do, so i book a small trip for just me and him, 4 night away from it all to relax, and enjoy each other with no time schedule and nothing planned, just winging it. and neither one of us can hardly wait, its just what we are needing i truely believe that. and now that my little rant is over i will end this here, but only for now, i will be back and that is a promise...hehe
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Reflections
Reflecting on my life tonight. I am 27 years old, I am married to the man of my dreams, my very best friend in the world, we have shared 13 year together thus far and I cant even describe how excited i am to share the rest of my life with him. We have two wonderful, healthy, perfect and fun kids, they are literally my heart and soul walking around outside my body. We married and dreamt of our family and now all of our dreams have come true. We couldnt be more blessed, we both have jobs and are able to have everything we could ever need and want, we have wonderful family all around us and the ones that arent wont be around much longer, we have wonderful friends that we have a ton of fun with and who would always have our backs. I am also very blessed to be able to attend college and will soon be able to hopefully better my family with a degree in accouning and i get to be a consultant for thirtyone which i love and completely enjoy. I have all anyone could ever want and i have had many people throughout the years tell me they wish they had what i had. Not that i want people to be jealous of me cause i dont but i do take pride in being able to show people what true happiness is. Dont get me wrong i have def had hard time in my life, some im surprised i even recovered from, but they are what has made me who i am. I am a strong person because of the people that have come into my life, tried their hardest to break me down and failed miserably doing so, and i am even thankful for them, for having a part in making me who i am by showing me i deserve so much better, and they have shown me how i dont want to be and how i dont my life to be.
As i have reflected on my life i have found so much sadness in some of the people i had once had in my life. Its so sad when you have to sit back and watch someone struggle for years and years. When someone feels like they have to lie about the things they own, their home, and their material things along with how much money they have and such to try and convience other they are some body in this big ole world. Its a shame when they feel like they have to constantly tell people how wonderful their life is to mask how things really are. Someone that is so far gone in depression that they push everyone that has ever cared about them away, its so sad to think about really. its odd that people like this were ever even in my life since we are so completely different. They cling to the people that have always done them wrong over and over again and push away the ones that cared, it must be denial or something, or maybe they feel like they dont deserve any better since that is all they have ever known from their friends and family all their life. i dont know but i sure dont understand it at all and at this point in my life i dont really care to. But what i did learn from them the most is that there is nothing no matter how hard you try and put forth effort, there is nothing you can do to help them, you have to just remove them from your life, let them live with the depression and sad life they have chosen and try your damnedest not to worry anymore about them. They will have to learn on their own that the ones they call friends will be the first to turn on them because it has happened many times before and their family will also always treat them like crap because they have let them do it all their lives and one day many years from now they will finally realise who was true to them and how they messed it all up and by then it will be too late. these are just things i have noticed and are about NO ONE inparticular. if you think its about you then maybe you should re-evaluate your lives and see why you think this is about you and why you would think someone else would see you like this.
As i have reflected on my life i have found so much sadness in some of the people i had once had in my life. Its so sad when you have to sit back and watch someone struggle for years and years. When someone feels like they have to lie about the things they own, their home, and their material things along with how much money they have and such to try and convience other they are some body in this big ole world. Its a shame when they feel like they have to constantly tell people how wonderful their life is to mask how things really are. Someone that is so far gone in depression that they push everyone that has ever cared about them away, its so sad to think about really. its odd that people like this were ever even in my life since we are so completely different. They cling to the people that have always done them wrong over and over again and push away the ones that cared, it must be denial or something, or maybe they feel like they dont deserve any better since that is all they have ever known from their friends and family all their life. i dont know but i sure dont understand it at all and at this point in my life i dont really care to. But what i did learn from them the most is that there is nothing no matter how hard you try and put forth effort, there is nothing you can do to help them, you have to just remove them from your life, let them live with the depression and sad life they have chosen and try your damnedest not to worry anymore about them. They will have to learn on their own that the ones they call friends will be the first to turn on them because it has happened many times before and their family will also always treat them like crap because they have let them do it all their lives and one day many years from now they will finally realise who was true to them and how they messed it all up and by then it will be too late. these are just things i have noticed and are about NO ONE inparticular. if you think its about you then maybe you should re-evaluate your lives and see why you think this is about you and why you would think someone else would see you like this.
why?
Why do people do the things they do?
Why do people feel the way they feel?
Why do people lie the way they lie?
Why do people make up stories about themselves and other people?
Why would someone talk horrible about their family and friends and then try and drill it in to peoples heads that they love them sooooo much?
Why would someone talk horrible about the people they say are their best friends?
Why would someone wanna be friends with people that have done them so wrong in the past?
Why do people bring people into their homes that mistreat them and their kids?
Why do people pawn their kids off on other to do out partying all the time?
Why do people search for take pain pills all the time to try and numb themselves?
Why do some people think its better to leave someone hanging instead of giving them a call?
Why do people sit on the couch all day long then complain about sitting on the couch all day long?
Why do people say their kids are their wole life when talking to others when they never even wanted them to begin with?
Why would someone stay with someone after being abused?
Why would someone stay with someone after being cheated on?
Why would someone lie about owning their home when they rent?
Why would someone lie about so called money they recieved from someones death?
Why would people lie about their health to make people feel sorry for them?
Why would someone cheat on the mate that actually treats them good?
Why would someone tell another person they were hated by someone that didnt hate them?
Why would someone put another person in their wedding if they didnt want them to be?
Why do people make fun of other people?
Why do people call others names?
Why do people spread rumers about others that arent true?
Why do people fuss about others writting stuff on facebook and on blogs when they do the same things?
Why do people say their lives are sooo horrible and then in the next breath say it is soooo perfect?
Why would someone think they could talk about everyone else to you and then actually think you believe they dont talk about you behind your back?
Why do people push away the people that care for them?
Why do people treat the people that care for them like shit and then suck up to the ones that treat them like crap?
Why do people not discipline their children?
Why do people think that buying things is a way to show you love them?
Why do people keep putting up with someone that treats them horrible?
Why do people put forth so much effort when none is given to them?
Why do people drop everything to be there for someone when they need them when they would never recieve that in return if needed?
Why do people feel horrible, and worried about someone when they never meant anything to them?
Why cant people just get over things and move on when its obivious they were never important to someone?
Why do people ignore your phone calls and texts?
Why do people stand you up with no explaination?
Why do some people not want more for their children?
Why do some peopl not want to work for what they need?
Why do some people strive on drama and when there isnt any they have to create some?
Why do some people treat one child differently than the others?
Why do some people let their children be disrespectful little brats that no one wants to be around?
Why do people sleep around with a lot of different people and not love any of them?
Why do people choose their partners over their kids?
Why do people feel the need to talk about things they have no idea about?
Why do people take others for granted?
Why do people say one thing and mean something else?
Why do people deny things they have done?
Why do people tell all their darkest secrets to someone and then plays it off like that person doesnt know them at all?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????
YOU TELL ME!!!
Why do people think everyone people write about it about them?
Why do people take others words for things instead of finding out the true on their own?
Why do people lie about viewing others stuff when its obvious they do?
Why say your not talking about someone and that you dont care, when every blog you ahve written in the last little while has had something to do with them in it for a fact.
Why write something and then deny its about someone inparticular just because you didnt use their name?
Why do people write horrible things about someone and think that just because they deleted it afterwards that the person they wrote it about didnt see it?
Why do people think others are so stupid?
Why do people keep worrying about people that arent worth the worry never has been?
Why do people keep coming and telling things like i care anymore?
Why didnt i learn my lesson a long ass time ago?
Why didnt i listen to everyone that was trying to warn me?
Why do people have to just keep on and on and on?
These are questions i have asked myself, about myself, and about a few other people i know. I know the answer to most of the questions whether i fully understand them is another question all in itself.
Why do people feel the way they feel?
Why do people lie the way they lie?
Why do people make up stories about themselves and other people?
Why would someone talk horrible about their family and friends and then try and drill it in to peoples heads that they love them sooooo much?
Why would someone talk horrible about the people they say are their best friends?
Why would someone wanna be friends with people that have done them so wrong in the past?
Why do people bring people into their homes that mistreat them and their kids?
Why do people pawn their kids off on other to do out partying all the time?
Why do people search for take pain pills all the time to try and numb themselves?
Why do some people think its better to leave someone hanging instead of giving them a call?
Why do people sit on the couch all day long then complain about sitting on the couch all day long?
Why do people say their kids are their wole life when talking to others when they never even wanted them to begin with?
Why would someone stay with someone after being abused?
Why would someone stay with someone after being cheated on?
Why would someone lie about owning their home when they rent?
Why would someone lie about so called money they recieved from someones death?
Why would people lie about their health to make people feel sorry for them?
Why would someone cheat on the mate that actually treats them good?
Why would someone tell another person they were hated by someone that didnt hate them?
Why would someone put another person in their wedding if they didnt want them to be?
Why do people make fun of other people?
Why do people call others names?
Why do people spread rumers about others that arent true?
Why do people fuss about others writting stuff on facebook and on blogs when they do the same things?
Why do people say their lives are sooo horrible and then in the next breath say it is soooo perfect?
Why would someone think they could talk about everyone else to you and then actually think you believe they dont talk about you behind your back?
Why do people push away the people that care for them?
Why do people treat the people that care for them like shit and then suck up to the ones that treat them like crap?
Why do people not discipline their children?
Why do people think that buying things is a way to show you love them?
Why do people keep putting up with someone that treats them horrible?
Why do people put forth so much effort when none is given to them?
Why do people drop everything to be there for someone when they need them when they would never recieve that in return if needed?
Why do people feel horrible, and worried about someone when they never meant anything to them?
Why cant people just get over things and move on when its obivious they were never important to someone?
Why do people ignore your phone calls and texts?
Why do people stand you up with no explaination?
Why do some people not want more for their children?
Why do some peopl not want to work for what they need?
Why do some people strive on drama and when there isnt any they have to create some?
Why do some people treat one child differently than the others?
Why do some people let their children be disrespectful little brats that no one wants to be around?
Why do people sleep around with a lot of different people and not love any of them?
Why do people choose their partners over their kids?
Why do people feel the need to talk about things they have no idea about?
Why do people take others for granted?
Why do people say one thing and mean something else?
Why do people deny things they have done?
Why do people tell all their darkest secrets to someone and then plays it off like that person doesnt know them at all?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????
YOU TELL ME!!!
Why do people think everyone people write about it about them?
Why do people take others words for things instead of finding out the true on their own?
Why do people lie about viewing others stuff when its obvious they do?
Why say your not talking about someone and that you dont care, when every blog you ahve written in the last little while has had something to do with them in it for a fact.
Why write something and then deny its about someone inparticular just because you didnt use their name?
Why do people write horrible things about someone and think that just because they deleted it afterwards that the person they wrote it about didnt see it?
Why do people think others are so stupid?
Why do people keep worrying about people that arent worth the worry never has been?
Why do people keep coming and telling things like i care anymore?
Why didnt i learn my lesson a long ass time ago?
Why didnt i listen to everyone that was trying to warn me?
Why do people have to just keep on and on and on?
These are questions i have asked myself, about myself, and about a few other people i know. I know the answer to most of the questions whether i fully understand them is another question all in itself.