ending 2010 and so ready for 2011

2010 has been a very interesting year for, lots of bad things and lots of good. My life is now changed to a mom with a child in school, switching up my normal day routine into very early morning and early bedtimes, something i am still getting used to. I have also decided this year to get my big butt back into school and hopefully be able to get a job of some sort to help out for the first time in 6 years. i love being a stay home mom but alot of the time i find myself feeling like i dont do enough and feeling so bad that my hubby has to work so hard for us. I also learned alot more about the people around me this year. family, friends and church family...i dont think i have ever had as much trouble with family and friends as i did this year...i have just come to the conclusion that i can help what they do, think, and say but i can control how much they are in my life and i have take steps in a different direction when it comes to them the last bit of this year. i have decided to have no expectations from no one therefore i cant be disappointed and hurt and so far so good. i had to do alot of eliminating and its really sad that i had to do that but oh well...i havent been feeling like myself in a long time and i think it had some to do with the kind of relationships i had going on along with me being diagnosed with sleep apnea and now being put on an anxiety medication...hoping i can get back to the old tabatha real soon...
2011 im praying will be a fabulous year...all i can do is live it day by day with the people that are the most important to me and try really hard to not let the ones that arent important bring me down.

a panic christmas

for some time now i just havent really felt like myself, very stressed and nervous. i have a couple of certain things that really get to me and i cant do anything about them, once i get them on my mind i cant get them out, does matter whats going on and how hard i try...its really been getting to me so i decided to go to the dr and try a new medicine to see if it would help...i have been on it for a week now and even though they told me it would take a while to get into my system i really believe i have been having some side effects, had my first real panic attack, and been having waves of nervousness hit me on a daily basis, not really sure what to do about it....

Had a wonderful christmas with all my family, kids got so many new toys my house is a wreck...was so glad i was able to see each and everyone of my family members at one point or another, great food and company...this christmas eve was the first time in years that i was soo excited i couldnt sleep a wink...i already had everything i could ever want but still got alot more...

jason and i got a night alone to go out and see ralphie may at zanies in nashville...and after taking a wrong turn, getting lost in down town nashville, and fighting, we made it to the club and had a great time.

loves my life and really hope that i can get myself together here real soon and get back to the bubbly easy going girl i used to be....wish me luck and say a prayer.

my horrible phobia

POSUMES!!!
lets start from the very beginning....when i was 16 eyars old my first car was an 88 honda crx, it was extremely low to the ground and as i was driving to jasons house out in temple hill one day i hit a posume, never having an encounter with one before, this was definatly the worst possible way to do it, i hit the posume and instead of it going under my car it flopped up on the hood, dead, bleeding and mouth hung open, starring at me because my car was too low to the ground for it to go under it...i had to put the car in reverse and back up really fast to get it to roll off...i was terrified and tramatized from that day on....
throughout the 10 years since that incident i have had many encounters with them, everyone i know, knows about my phobia and feeds off of it thinking its comical...once i was in the car with my friend kacie, driving through the country with her 4 year old son in the back seat, knowing posumes could be around any corner, posumes usually move quiet slowly so needless to say i was not at all prepared for the huge posume that jumped, or should i say leaped out in front of us from the side of the road, making kacie slam on the brakes, sitting there looking at it completely still in the middle of the road, causing a chain reaction of my screaming in complete terror causing her poor little boy to awake with a scream of terror for his short life, i tried jumping in the back seat and he thought we were wrecking and kacie didnt do a damn thing but laugh her ass off...
For my 23rd birthday my sister amy and her boyfriend aaron decided it would be just awesome to break into my house while i was out eating dinner with jason and riveranne and hang 30 copies of the nastiest posume i have ever seen all over my house for me to stumble apon when i got home, all the time getting me on a hidden camera screaming and accusing jason of the horrible prank...good times. many many pranks have been pulled on my throughout the years...
One day i was determined to conquer my fear, so iwent to cracker barral and bought one of the stuffed posumes there, almost wrecking twice on the ride home because i would see it out of the corner of my eye...that posume still resides in my house where both my children have learned of my terrification of it and finds it quiet amusing to sneak up on me every now and again...guess it didnt work huh...
Thought the ones of you that didnt know all that well would find this little bit of info amusing yourself.

missing my boog and sissy

i love being a stay at home mama, i truely believe there is nothing more rewarding than being able to be with your children, caring for them, teaching them, and watching them grow, laugh and cry everyday...the hardest job in the world but a part of my life i wouldnt change for nothing. as much as i love it all and i truely do every mother needs a break every now and again, being with them 24hours a day 7 days a week is tiring...i rarely ask for a break or for someone to watch my kids, but when someone does ask to have them which is not often, i def take advantage of my free time to usually do things that need to be done instead of things i really just want to do but thats ok with me...tonight my kids are gone to their grammys, they have been gone all day and tonight and im not sure when they will be home tomorrow either...my hubby was actually off tonight which was another rare pleasant occasion and i have very much enjoyed my day and night with him alonemyself missing children terribly, like i do every single time they are gone...its something i will never get used to...i know some parents that i really think would rather have their kids with someone else the majority of the time and i cant fathom their mind set, i miss mine something awful anytime they are not with me...

my little athlete and a soccer mom

Riveranne has always been very athletic since birth, being able to really throw a ball with great aim and shoot her basketball into her little tikes basketball goal from across the room...as soon as we could we put her in soccer, a game her daddy excelled in holding the record still at his high school for most goals scored in a single season, she was a natural just like him starting at 4 years old. she has played 3 season of soccer at our local ymca and this year decided she wanted to try out basketball too, so she is playing basketball right now...at first she couldnt dribble at all, she has practiced a whole lot and is doing much much better now and can really make those goals, im so proud of her, she really enjoys being on a team and enteracting with other kids her age, she is always a great sport win or loose and just gets out there and has a blast with everyone, thats the way it should be.... and now as basketball is nearing the end of the season she has let me know that she wants to play tee ball, and cheerleading also along with soccer and basketball and i will make sure she can do everything she ever wants to do, she loves it and i love watching her...i can tell she just loves it when we are there and we cheer her name loud...anything for my baby girl...only problem i have is holding on to my younger son ryder, he is only 2, too young to play yet but really really just wants to get out there with sissy and play...li kills him to just sit and watch her so as soon as he is old enough he will be playing it all too....im a true SOCCER MOM!!!YAY

different roles

Its funny how from the very beginning there has been a very big difference in the man's and and the woman's roles in the family, the man goes and works and makes the money and the woman stays home takes care of the kids and house. Even though things have changed some over the years with working mothers and somestay home dads with equal responsibilities when it comes to the house and the kids, there are still some family that are like it used to be. I have been a stay home mother since i first gave birth to my daughter over 5 years ago, taking care of my children 24 hours a day and the house, my husband goes to work and works hard for us to have everything we have...Being a stay at home mother doesnt mean us moms dont need breaks every now and again, our jobs are enver ending, and i feel that my husband some what gets his break when he goes to work...maybe thats bad of me but that the way i feel.

on the ocfcasions where i do have to leave the kids with my husband to run errands or anything else i need to do, i always come home to a mess, i never feel like i can leave the house without worrying the entire time about if the kids are being watched well enough and if things are being done the way they should be...i think its a damn shame that i always have to feel this way...i came home with morning from being gone to my daughters school for only 2 hours and my husband was on the phone and my son was in my daughters room digging out all of her lipgloss and smearing it everywhere, he wasnt being watched and my hubby had no clue nor did he really care, this is by far the first time it has happened, something happens everytime i leave...once when my daughter was a baby, i left to run a few errands and when i walked back through the door she was and had written with an ink pen on every cushion on our brand new couch, chair and lounge in the livingroom, my hubby obviously hadnt been watching her for a while since she was able to write on all of that, i couldnt do anything but cry, and then took me a few hours to watch it all off. Back just  in august when my daughter was 5 and my son almost 2 i was able to take a small trip with my sister, 2 days and one night away from the house leaving my kids alone with their daddy for the first time ever since they had been born, i was a nervous wreck and my hubby wasnt all that thrilled about it either...not saying my trip was ruined but it def wasnt as pleasant as i would have liked for it to be and i thought that was a shame as well...
Im not trying to put my hubby down he works so hard for us, but its just funny how differently i think and act about things being a mother than he does being the father...differences i dont understand really. i just mean what am i suppose to do...

four christmas'

10 days til christmas and the arguing has begun...both jason and i have divorced parents therefore we always have 4 different places to go for thanksgiving and christmas...making it a very stressful and rushed time...all my life my mom has had her christmas at the same time on christmas day (dinnertime), jasons mom has had her christmas at the same time christmas day (lunchtime), jasons dad is very flexible willing to do his whenever is best for us cause we are the only ones he gets together with...but when it comes to getting together with my dad there is always a conflict and argument with christmas plans jumping back and forth, its exhausting...there is always planning around one family and not at all around the others resulting this year in  none of me and my sisters being able to be there...its a shame. i understand that there are always several families to work around but there has always been a way in the past...having kids of my own, its very exhausting having to run here and run there all day long, not really having time to enjoy ourselves...but i guess thats what you get for having four christmas'....

looking back at 2010

     We began the year as we are ending the year with more snow than i have seen in my lifetime here in kentucky. Even though i dont usually find snow attractive, ill admit that sometimes its pretty and i love that my kids just love getting out and playing in it with me...great memories made.
     In the spring we purchased a new used surburban, i love it, its like driving a short bus and just drinks the gas...and of course being my luck something is always wrong with it but hey thats what ya get for buying something used and who can afford something brand new. I also had a swarm of weddings to attend and was the maid of honor in one...making it the first wedding i had been in since mine, and one other when i was 5 years old. We celebrated my gagey poops 1st birthday, jasons birthday, and riverannes birthday with big blowouts. Riveranne graduated preschool!         
     As summer came i just knew it was gonna be the best yet. The city pool reopened the kiddie pool so we got a season pass and lived there, the kids loved the kiddie pool and i was able to sit and relax and get an awesome tan as they played their little hearts out and got good and worn out for great naps each day. Every day during the summer riveranne would ask when she was gonna be able to go back to school and i was very happy that she loved it so much. For kindergarten Riveranne was gonna be attending the school that i had attended for all of elementary school myself so i was very excited for her to go there. At the end of the summer I was able to take a little girls trip with my mom and sister to the kentucky state fair to see a few of my favorite country music artists in concert, we were gone for 2 days and 1 night and was able to see, billy currington, the band perry, kellie pickler, chris young, and RASCAL FLATTS!!! and even though i was a nervous wreck leaving the kids with jason all weekend because i never have ever before i had a blast.
      As the summer came to an end and fall began, Riveranne started kindergarten and i began volunteering a few times a week in her class reading with the kids and helping do whatever they might need help with. i have met some really great kids and i really enjoy going there, it is a way for me to get out of the hosue for a while and do something with myself...which also lead to me finding out they were going to be hiring for several assistant positions, taking the test and passing it and waiting to hear if i got one of them...i didnt get one of the positions but had also decided to go back to WKU and finish up my college so it all worked out one way or the other and i am now going back to school fulltime starting in jan 2011. During the fall we also celebrated ryder's 2nd birthday and my birthday both being on the same day and very special. I was shown the real colors of some people in my life, friends, family and church people. and it just helped me remember that the ones you love and care for the most will def be there first to turn on you and treat you like crap, resulting in me having to literally eliminate many people out of my life with no real chance of them coming back. I have realized this year who and what are really important and the other stuff is nothing to me, i know the family and friends that will truethfully be there for me when i need them and thats all i need in the life besides the Lord.
     So all in all this has been a fairly normal great year for me and my family and i have and will always overcome the obsticles put in my way.

my sunday mornings have changed

Most of my childhood and adult life i have woken up on sunday morning, thankful that i had a church to go to and worship in, i get up get the kids and myself ready and was so excited to go worship my Lord in a loving church with a wonderful church family. Boy was i a sucker!!! I know that no church is perfect and neither are any one person on this earth but the drama i have seen in the church i had been attending for years is just crazy. When i was a child in this church it was really no different, i was just young and didnt really notice the true actions that were taken when things happened but now as an adult i see and understand it very clearly. There is a very specific group in the church of people including the preacher himself, with similar interest, they get together often and engage in activities including judging, condemming, putting people down and shunning others...a group full of hypocrites. They dont hide it either but are very public with the way they do and about a year ago when a very serious situation arose they did all those things to one involved and totally enbraced, loved, and supported the other. I tried my hardest to not get into and thought that as long as i wasnt doing it everything would be fine and i continued to attend the church, help, love, pray for all, and worship as if nothing really had happened. after month and finally thinking things had died down with the drame they must have decided their hunger for needed to be filled so they grouped together and turned on a man calling him out of line with a very loud outburst from the preacher infront of everyone in sunday service for getting up and asking for people to pray for and with him at the alter, that man accuse was my father, making the stiuation very personal. As just like every other time before that specific group of people did what they do best, turned on him, bashed him, shunned him and much more, like questioning our motives for being at church to begin with...and all in all very odd situation resulting in my father and step mother and the rest of my family to no longer attend there.

This really hurts my heart, my children loved going there and had really learned alot just as i did going there as a child, but i cant keep worshipping with people that call theselves christians and then act like they do when a situation happens. So here it is sunday morning, a beautiful white sunday morning, one i am very thankful for, and we are sitting at the house relaxing instead of getting ourselves ready for church. Wow how things have changed. i can assure you my faith in the Lord has not be deminished because of this, i thank him, and praise him daily for He has blessed me and continues to do so on a daily basis. However my faith in man and being able to attend a place of worship with other people and to be able to pray, worship, and praise the Lord freely has definatly been altered and its sad that it has been because of people i trusted, loved, supported, and prayed for...just really comes to show that you can really only trust the Lord fully. And thats what im doing as i pray hard for Him to lead us to a church perfect for jason my kids and I.

dead mouse...most of its belly up, blowing all through the house

Today Ryder knocked over my big box fan, when it hit the floor this horrible smell came out of it, i ran in there to find that he had knocked a dead mouse loose inside it, the mouse had ran into the fan, got cut up some by the blades, had layed there and died and i didnt know a thing about it...Thank goodness Jason hadnt left for work yet so he was able to take the fan apart and get it out and clean it all up...The smell was plum vulgar to my nose. i about lost my lunch.

Living near the country with a field of cows right behind my house we are no strange to mice, we nearly have one all the time that we are trying to kill...before we had kids we would put out poison for them to munch on and then they would go off and swell up somewhere and die and we would later have to find them once they started sticking...their favorite spot was under our lounge where Jason has had to scrap several dead, flat, stuck mice from underneath it. Once the mouse had swollen up into a huge ball of fur inside the box of poison near the stove, scarying me to death, making me scream, and jason to come running out of the shower wondering what was killing me.

After we had kids we switched to sticky traps!!! Still my favorite!!! I love to hear the mice scream once they have gotten on one and can get off...gives me a sense of satisfaction i guess you could say. We have however had some very comical moments with the sticky traps, our pug sophie got one stuck to her belly once and we literally had to shave her bald to get it off...it was holding on for dear life. Also i have never seen a mouse go in reverse, they always run forward then turn around real quick and run forward again, but somehow this one night the mouse got only its hind legs stuck on the trap and it was pulling itself and the trap aournd by its front legs, totally freaky and funny...one night riveranne got up in the middle of the night to go use the bathroom, seconds after hearing her finish i head a mouse squeeling on the sticky trap which riveranne also heard, she came running into my room with her pants and undies still around her ankles screaming and crying in terror, something i think def tramatised her  into making us switch our traps again.

Now we use the good ole original trap, with a little peanut butter on it (stickier and harder to lick off). the snap of the bar always sends chills down my spine and lesson learned first hand, never run and look as soon as the trap goes off cause even though it gets them and they arent going anywhere doesnt mean they are dead. I ran and opened the cabinet door and the mouse was trapped but still alive and jerking all over and nearly flung itself out on me, making me throw myself back agains the fridge...good times. Also when you have a trap set dont forget to check it the next morning to see if you caught one before your 2 year old son gets up and thinks its a toy and grabs it (true story).

Even though there really is no better mouse than a dead one, some of the best stories i have are of them running threw my house causing fits to be thrown by everyone i know. I had a friend once crawl to the tip top of the back of my couch screaming cause she saw one run threw my kitchen, one got stuck in the kitchen sink and i then began trying to beat it to death with a meat cleaver, no such luck. Once a mouse got in the trash can on my side of the bed, the side of the can was so slick it couldnt get out so i had jason but a piece of cardboard over it and he chucked it out into the road where it took off running as soon as it hit the ground, awesome sight to see. One decided it wanted to run into the bathroom and right over my foot one night, thank goodness i was already on the toilet or it might have been a true shitty situation...LOL...Even though they have given me several good laughs in my adulthood, there still is no better mouse than a dead one...

How could Hell be so cold

And so it has begun! Winter is here! A time of year i just cant hardly stand, other than christmas, i love christmas, i wish we never had winter. I dont like cold weather, i dont like snow, I dont like the lack of sunshine, I dont like being stuck up in the house, I dont like running heat. and the list goes on. Each year as winter approach i find myself dreading it, once it gets here i am in a steady bad mood, feeling down, and quick tempered. It seems my kids feel the same since all they seem to do during this time of year is whine and fight with each other causing my mood to be even worse. Im sure it is also because of being stuck up in the house all the time. Tonight is the night that i have realized it is apon me, and i am not ready. Kids very whinny and fighting, me with a headache that i know wont go away until spring, and ready to just go to my room and cry...I am definatly gonna have to get to the Dr and get me something to help me through the winter time or im not sure what im gonna do.

control, discipline, respect

     For as long as i could remember i have always been the kind of person that needs to be in control, a leader, should i say the boss! Maybe it was from being the oldest of three girls and feeling i needed to guide them and take care of them, or maybe because when my parents divorced i actually had to guide my younger sisters, watch over them and be the mother and wife figure when it came to cooking meals and all the housework. Im not really sure but i have ever since been this way.
     Even in my marriage i have notice that i tend to take the more aggressive and dominating role, not that i try to do it in a mean or downgrading way towards my husband but something that i cant control and half the time dont even realize im doing. I dont consider myself a commanding and demanding person but when i know how something needs to be done and i tell you i expect it to be done that way.
    I am even more so when it comes to my kids, i am def one that when i say something you better do it and i will not say it twice. My kids listen to me very well, they do what they are told when they are told to do it. They keep their rooms clean, help with chores around the house and get baths and go to bed without a fight (well ryder is having sometrouble with that one right now) dont get me wrong they are still kids Riveranne being 5 and ryder only 2,and do things kids do, but they are very respectful and grateful for everything they have already at such a young age. I take pride in my kids because of these things, and completely believes in discipline and know that is a big part of them being that way.
     Another reason i feel so strongly about the way i handle things with my kids is because i know way to many people that would rather be friends with their kid than a parent and role model. I completely believe that lots of parents these days do not discipline (at all), their kids throw fits, smart off all the time, demand and get whatever they want, they tell the parents to jump and they are like how high. Im not sure if they think their kids wont love them if they actually say no every once in a while or what it is but i cant handle it, and i know a few personally and i cant hardly stand being around them. I think it is sad because these kids will never learn, responsibility, respect, and what real life is like.
     I know these opinions come from the way i was raised, with spankings instead of timeouts, and knowing to be grateful for what you have, i would never consider myself to have been a spoiled child, but extremely loved, and taught right from wrong and that there would always be consequences(sp) for the actions that i took. just a thought or two i had on my mind this morning.

kids do say the darnedest things!!!!

Me being a stay at home mother with a very out there personality, im not shocked that my children are the very same way...Riveranne more so because she is older but ryder is already just as dramatic in his story telling we just cant always understand what he is saying. Today after school Riveranne came home and took her jacket off, i then noticed her shirt was on backwards and had been all day long, she looked at me with her silly face and then said " i know i put it on right this morning, i wonder who snuck up and turned it around on me." I couldnt help myself but to chuckle a little. This is an everyday event in our house for one or both of my children to have me in stitches over the crazy things that come out of their mouths. dont get me wrong its not just their words that crack me up but also their actions. i will never forget riveranne as a toddler, she was play cooking and fed me something, i of course acted like it tasted so very good and then she looked at me and said "mama you just ate a turd" now how in the world she came up with that is still a mystery to me but i just died laughing...Ryder is just as crazy, since the cooler weather has come on he has had stuffy nose, runny nose and booger filled nose, he has learned like every other kids that sticking your finger up your nose with not only get the boogers out but will also get very strange looks from strangers and a very quick and loud "get your finger out of your nose" response from mommy, which he finds all three very amusing...one night we were sitting on the couch and i was very engaged in my facebook, i could see that he had his finger in his nose but never expected what happened next...he pulled his finger out and slipped it in my mouth, booger and all, perfect move i guess since i wasnt paying good attention to him, he thought it was hilarious, i spit in the floor, gagged a little and yelled dont you ever do that again. something else i will never forget...LOL

Another awesome characteristic of being a 5 year old is the awesome brutal honesty... in the past 5 years i have been told that i have two fat rolls on my tummy because i had to kids, something i am willing to go with, riveranne also informed me once that she was jealous because i have two chins and she only has one and its just not fair, and while popping my back one night riveranne said "mama you have a long butt crack" something very random since my butt crack was completely covered and i have no idea why she was thinking about it. so i responded "well i have a big butt" then riveranne said "yeah thats why you poop big turds"...i couldnt help but laugh...

Ryder is a little too young for these comments yet but hey just give him time right, i mean look at who his mother is, he already thinks it is hilarious and neccessary everytime he passes gas to grab his butt and scream out "i farted"....oh gotta love him.

I love every single werid thing that my riveranne and ryder does, they can always make my day better because they keep me laughing, they are so much fun and such a blessing in my life, i cant help that they got my craziness!!!

sucker for music

i cant help it but im such a sucker for music, i love it...all different kinds too but mostly country right now...i grew up on country music, my dad and his friend would get together often and pick their guitars and sing, i always just loved it, i really wish they would start doing that again, it would really be nice. Reba was always the number one female artist that i loved, i know and love every single song she has ever done...wiht the new country be quite different now i really love rascal flatts, lady a, zac brown band, billy currington, josh turner, jason aldean and many many more. I also love a good meaningful song that can bring a tear to my eye, those are the ones that really touch the heart and i love them...if i need a good cry there is always a song just for the situation, dont get me wrong i love me a good up beat dancing song as well.

There is nothing like blasting the music while your cleanign the house and watching my precious kids, that also are big music lovers, just dancing all around the livingroom.

Theres always trials

Seem as if there is always something trying to bring me down...it started a few months ago when it seemed almost everyone was turning against me, what reasons i still dont know, but after realizing it was doing nothing but keeping me stresses all the time and the others involved seem to be thriving from it i decided to eliminate it all from my life. such a weight was lifted off my shoulders and i was albe to do the things i wanted and needed to do with the ones that weer most important to me without all the stress in the back on mind all the time...

Then all of a sudden the church i had been attending since i was a kids turned on my father and the rest of our family...it was a very odd situation in which im still not sure what all really happened but now i am left with trying to find another church where we will be able to worship, pray, and praise the Lord freely without judgment and without doing with alongside hypocrites and backstabbers, very sad situation since my children just loved going to church every sunday and where learning so much, but how do you continue attending somewhere where the congregation has run their mouth and made judgements about you and your family....so now we are looking and visiting new churches.

Went and studies really hard for the paraeducator assestment test, and passed, then went and applied for several assistant teacher posistion and im still waiting to hear from them, i havent worked in like 6 years and this would really help us out alot right now, i know i have the full time of all fulltimes job being a stay at home mama but being able to bring in some money to help with things would just be awesome and make me feel better too...so i also decided that going back to school would also be a good choice for me since i havent really done anything for myself in years...so i am now also registered as a fulltime student at wku again...im very excited but also very nervouse cause i havent been to school in 7 years and im worried about being able to study and get the work done with two wild youngins running around all the time...but i gotta have faith...

im only human in letting things worry me to death and bother me but i do have a very strong faith that the Lord is with me and my family and will always help us take care of anything that we are faced with, he has brought us through many things so far and has never let me down but that doesnt meant here wont always be trials to face, i just dont have to face them alone.