the bad

so a while back i wrote about my mother and my father in law having somesort of twisted relationship and after blowing up on my mother about the whole things i decided that if she was gonna be stupid enough to put herself through that shit with him then i was gonna let her get what she was asking for and sure enough, sooner than i though, it all went down, and even though i wasnt surprised i was pissed. i was pissed at her for not listening to me abouthow he was and what he was gonna do to her and acting like she didnt really know how he was to begin with. i was also pissed at him even more so because he was the one that pursued my mother, filled her head full of lies, knew he was gonna do nothing but lie to her from the get go and yet still though it was necessary to ruin all the relationships involved, mine and her, jasons and him and def his and mine. at this point in my life i dont care to ever see him or speak to him ever again, i am taking this opportunity to let him know everything i have ever felt about him none of which are good, i have tried for so many years to deal with this man and i am no longer doing that because even though he is nthing but an arrogant, self centered, asshole,w ho couldnt tell the truth to save his life, he is a womanizer and all is well if you want to treat all these random whores like that, i dont care but he had to go and make it personal and try that shit with my mom and that was so beyond wrong and iw ill no longer try to deal with someone that i cant stand. so he is not welcomed at my home, i dont want him around me or my kids and if my husband does decided to let hm see my kids, it wont be anywhere near me and it wont be around whichever whore he is messing with that week, iw ould prefer that my kids not be subjected to him and his ways but he is my husbands father so i guess i can write him off completely which is what i really want to do...
on a lighter note, my mother has her a new male friends and he is super sweet, she doesnt even know how to act with him treating her so well, she deserves it, and i am so happy for her.
And i am proud of myself because slowly but surely i am letting go of the hangup i have had for a certain someone, i tried a few times to make things better and i have done all that i can do and with no luck, i think it is def time to give it no another thought and it feels great.

the good

     Omg so much stuff has been going on lately i dont even know where to start... we finally got completely moved and settled into our new house and i can honestly say that it feels just like home, we just love it, so much more room and its such a nice home, im so excited. of course jason is in love with his new garage and i have to pull him away from it, but at least he is putting it to good use. The kids finally have their own playroom equipt with a 57 in big screen and couch and love seat, they pretty much live down there...which gives me a little more quiet time which is nice. oh and leaveit to my son to be the first to fall down the steps but he was fine...lol
      Christmas is almost here and with it being my favorite time of year next to halloween we are all so excited and i can hardly wait until christmas morning to see my babies faces. i love it... the tree is up and over flowing with presents. and i cant even tell you how grateful i am for christmas break, i really needed it, with everything going on this last semester was pretty rough for me, i felt like iwasnt giving my school work the attention it was needing and was afraid of the grades i were making but now that the semester is over and grades are post i am beyond thrilled that i came out with 3 A's and 1 C...and now it is time to sit back relax and enjoy the christmas holiday and the new year before i jump in to my next semester the end of january. The Lord has truely blessed me this year, i have the bestest husband and children in the world, healthy and happy. I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for, old and new. I am so thankful.

another day in the life of tabatha

so even with all the awesome changes going on in my life, it still seems that things are being thrown at me hard. i have been running and running with out time to even think. im either working, at school, taking care of the kids, packing, painting, moving, unpacking, studying or something and i literally feel like i am in a fog right now, i cant even get my mind to work right it seems these days and i am feeling like different things in my life are suffering because of it in some ways...i feel like i am not doing as well in school as i would like and i feel like i have been in a horrible mood way too often when it comes to my babies as well. and even though i love all these things going on and i am thankful for them all i ifnd myself feeling down at the same time because i am way to busy and i cant even enjoy it all. and then to top it off today was just a horrible day, i over slept and didnt get riveranne to school on time, i dont feel good about the huge test i had today, today has been two years since my step sisters husband got killed in a car accident and then my dads sister passed away today. it has been a very very  depressing day for me, so this afternon i layed on the cough and completely fell out, i mean i couldnt even make myself get up for like 3 hours, i guess i really needed it. and yet i still feel exhausted. hopefully things will equal themselves out for me here real soon and i can be more relaxed and be able to enjoy all these wonderful changes that are going on in my life...

big changes

       I cant believe how fast this year has gone by, seems like last time i blinked it was january and now here we are rolling right up on christmas, one of my favorite times of the year. as i look back at this year that has flown by, i just now realized that i have had some of the biggest changes happen to me and my family this year and all of them for the better.
       First major change was i got my first job in 7 years a few months back. and i cant even express how perfect it is for me and how thankful i am for it. awesome hours and good pay too. extra money is always a good thing. sometimes i do feel a little overwhelmed but nonetheless very happy and thankful for everything i have going on in my life.
      Just a little over a month ago jason and i decided we wanted to move. and within less than one month of looking we stumbled apon an awesome house that we love. so now i am in the sorting and packing mode. its very exciting, its a much bigger house than what we have now, in a good neighborhood. the kids are so excited to be moving, they have lived in this house all their lives and jason and i have been here for 8 years, it was our first home together and even though we are gonna miss it and our awesome neighbors that have been nothing but good to us, its time and the perfect move in the right direction for this moment in our lives. its bitter sweet really!
       Dont get me wrong there has defiantly been some bumps in the road this year for me but i have put on the brakes and slowly moved on over them. Made the best decission for this year when i decided to rmove myself for a trainwreck friendship i had been in for year and i can honestly say i had such a feeling of relief from it. So much drama gone. and i over all have been such a better person because of it. Im happier than i have been in along long time and i never even realized how much that one person had brought me down for all those years. you cant have a relationship with someone thats life is so horrible that they feel they have to make everyone elses lives bad just to get some joy in their little world...its sad...but i realized who my real friends were the whole time and i am sooooo much more thankful for the good ones now that i have had a bad one, funny how that works out huh!!!
       2012 is gonna be the best year yet i can feel it already, why because im gonna make it awesome, cause i have my wonderful kids, awesome husband, a job, school, and a new awesome roof over our heads, the best disfunction family around and an awesome group of close friends that i know will always be there for me as i am for them, what more could a girl ask for...yay for this journey...im ready!!!

chauking it up

      I know im not the only person in the world that likes to feel wanted, loved, and appreciated, everyone in the world longs for that in each relationship they have with someone. i have always wanted to feel that way from the people in my life and i have always been disapointed, by everyone! i have now determined i have set the bar for these things way too high!!! maybe i have set it so high that the people in my life just simply cant reach my expectations.
      I have been disapointed more times than not in last several months when it comes to things in my life. I have been disapointed in my family and friends and in myself. All i have ever wanted was to be appreciated for the things i do, i want my husband to appreciate me for all that i do for him and the kids around the house, for being able to do all those things while going to school and working parttime also...i want him to want and to show me he loves me which i feel like never happens, it seems like after 12 years of being together the only time he show me any attention is when he wants some and then everything he does and says is vulgar and thats it. I want my family to appreciate all i do for them and to respect my feelings and stuff. I want to be able to say that i have a best friends and really feel it to be true, i want feel like im someones best friend also, i want to have them miss me when i havent seen them or talked to them in a while, and i want them to treasure me like i treasure them. and even though i have a wonderful husband and two perfect children, and awesome family and a few good friends i still feel like these things are missing in my life. i often find myself feeling leftout, not wanted, and taken advantage of. I am chalking this up to nothing more than jealousy!!! and i mean ME jealous because i see the people i want these things from so badly giving these things to other people and i feel like im not! for example: there was this one girl that i totally considered my very best friend in the world and i would see how she was let her friends out of town know how much she missed them and couldnt wait to see them, i get it they dont live near each other so she probably did miss them and couldnt wait to see them and hang out but just because her and i lived closer to each other, we still didnt see each other or even talk that much and she never not even once ever thought those things about me when i missed her terribly and the friendship we once had of being together all the time and knowing everything about each other! now example 2: another friends of mine i have been friends with nearly my whole life, her and i are very close and i would also consider her one of my very best friends, we have been hanging out a whol lot in the past few months, doing all kinds of things together, and even letting our kids play together, it was awesome... but the last weeks i completely feel like i have been tossed over in the ditch because she has becomes friends with someone else and they are together every single day...im not included. i like this other girl just fine, she seems just fine i guess im just jealous because i had been able to hang out with my friends alot and now that has ended, plus my friends has been letting the other girl know how much she loves her, and appreciated her friendship, and how much fun she has with her all the time and she never ever told me any of those things. i also recall my friends saying that she was so happy for her and that other girls girl time together because that had been missing in her life for a very long time, like what am i chopped lver or soemthing, i guess all those days and nights i spent hanging out with her were nothing. me, i would consider it fun girl time so when i saw her writing that to the other girl my feelings were totally hurt.  and now once again ignored phone calls and texts and not doing things with me but then doing things with the other girl has gotten me in a not sooo good place, of wondering and questioning just like my last good friend did, all because im jealous i guess. all i know is i dont like it!!! and im not sure what i need to do not to be this way and feel this way all the time...i could use some words of advise

just call me aunt mama!!!

     Like there isnt enough going on in my life. Like im not already dealing wit a bunch of bullshit from the people around me. Like im not aready stressed to the brim with work school and everything else going on, lack of sleep and being sick for a month now but now i have to deal with crap from my own mother! The one person i never thought would do something like this to me, the one person i talk to several times a day and see nearly everyday as well.
      For years now my mom at different times has let it be know that she thought my father in law was attractive. I took it as a joke and went on with my life. Recently after getting divorced from my mother in law, moving a woman in with him for over two years, kicked her out moved another one in kicked her out and fooled around with at least4 oter woman that i know of and who know how many more my father in law let it be known to my sister that he also found my mother attractive and had thought about asking her out. Yet another statement that we all took as a joke and went on with our lives. That is until somene told me that they had called my mm several times and ech time she was quick to get off the phone because my ather in law was over there at her house. Something i found odd! so i decided to bring it up to my mom, and of course she denied it all but was wondering who had told me, and asked me if someone had seen them out eating together, because they had went out to eat together a few times, so she told on herself right there cause i didnt een know anything about that, she said there was nothing going on between them. i was sooo mad and I let her know in a very serious way how wrong it was and how it better not be happening, she didnt have a choice in the matter. she agreed. then my husband also talked to his father, he also denied it all and said nothing was going on. made up some kind of story as to why he was over at her house and how they just happened to runinto each other at the restuarant when they had both went there aone so they decided to eat together...bullshit!!!
      My husband and i were trying really hard not to over react about it all especially since they both denied anything going on. but BAM did we get slapped in the face last night when someone informed me that on the very day that we had, had our little discussions with each of them, my father in law had been seen at my moms house all evening. I WAS FURIOUS! and snapped on my mother when i saw her shortly after, i told her it was sick, and wrong and what the fuck was she thinking and she had no explanation for her actions other than saying she didnt understand why i was having such a problem with it. she actually laughed it off said whatever and left. i havent spoke to her since! but i did take the time to look at her phone records from which she has a line on our contract and i found there that they have been making phone calls back and forth, several of them for a few weeks now...this made me even madder because a few of those times she had been with me and had lied to me about who had called in.
      The main fact is, if they were only hanging out as friends like they both have said why in the fuck are they sneaking around, and lying about shit. if there is nothing going on then there should be nothing  to hide or lie about in my opinion. and when it comes to my father in law, he doesnt just have woman friends, he aims to get them in the bed and thats about it, i know, i have been seeing him do this for years now. He is also one of those kind of guys that will be with one woman, say he loves her, live with her and everything and talk about her like a dog to every single person he comes in contact with, then end up kicking her to curb but not before he has flirted with everyone woman that shot him a glance while he was still with the other woman...he thinks he is hot and all that when he is nothing but nasty but always talks about the next woman he is going to be with and i be damn if the next one is my mother!!! ok now when it comes to my mother, she has the lowest selfesteem i have ever seen a person before in my life. she is naive and the perfect kind of woman for my father n law cause he likes the ones he can control and run over all the time and that will sit there and take...she know he is a dick head, and treated my mother in law like shit, his fiance tina like shit and every other woman. along with stalking them and doing fucked up things towards them after breaking up, my mother has seen all this. and the main thing i think of is how she has seen him treat me like shit for the whole 12 years that i have been around him. he has never liked me, always put me down and shit so that right there should turn her against him if nothing else does. but nope she doesnt think there is nothing wrong with it, she doesnt understand why im upset, and says that she is just getting to know him when in all reality she already knows him. I dont know what the hell is going on in her mind right now but im not gonna stand for it, so since i know she is a grown ass woman and i cant make it stop, i let her know real quick that if she continued to dothis shit then she or him are welcomed at my house period!!!
       Some people have tried to make light of this situation by making jokes like, if they got together and got married not only would my husband and i be step brother and sister, but i would be aunt mama to my kids and he would be uncle daddy, my kids would be siblings and cousins and even though i am completly aware of the fact that this is kentucky that we live in, that shit is not going down and in all truth this shit isnt funny at all!!!
      So after venting it out here in thi blog i am still furious about it, neither one of them can spit any kind of excuse or explination to me that i will except. Im have said my part and even though i cant really stop it they both know exactly how my husband and i feel about the situation so now we are just sitting back and waiting to see if relationships are going to be ruined over this crap. hell im used to relationships being ruined these days. so bring it on. im prepared!!!

my favorite time of year

HALLOWEEN!!! well actually i just love October, the whole month!!! not only is it the perfect kind of weather, warm durig the day with an awesome breeze and cooler at night, i cant open my windows and just enjoy it all. and my electric bill starts to go down some also which is a plus.

I was also born this month on the 19th 27 years ago so that right there just makes October one awesome month without everything else...lol AND my very handsome son was also born this month, on my birthday 3 years ago so now we get to celebrate double!!! and my bestest friend in the worlds birthday is also this month one week after mine and her daughters birthday too so as you can tell the most awesome people were all born in October!!! Lots of presents, cake, and fun!!! i love pumpkins and going with my babies to pick out just the perfect ones to bring home and carve all kinds of fun faces on them. i love all the awesome scary movies that they play on tv all monh long. i love the haunted houses too.

My brother in law aaron and i have got together for last few years and hit up all the haunted house we can during this month, since my sister nor my husband like doing thosekind of things we decided we wud just get together andgo each year and we have really been able to hit up some really good ones too. last year we too along my step sister who is scared easily and we had so much fu with her, she made the haunted house that was already really good even better we enjoyed laughing at her while she ran and screams and stuff. so far this year we have only went out one night and only hit up 2 haunted house, both were pretty good but we went to the cave of terror in a town close to ours, thinking it was gonna be awesome cause it was in a cave... it started out good then we hit the stairs and had to go down 190 stairs into the cave, it was all foggy and we couldnt even see the steps or the handrails, kind of dangerous if you ask me but neat nonetheless. once we reached the bottom finally we were expecting to continue the haunted house but no...that was the end, they told us to turn around and go straight back up...i was like are you serious, im a fat chick and it wast easy going down all those steps but to turn around and come straight back up, holy shit, i thought i was gonna die for real. i couldnt breath, my knee and ankles were hurting, i couldnt see and shit im fat so i was completely out of breath i thought i was gonna have a heart attack...lol but i cant say it wasnt neat cause it was...now we have plans to hit up several more but we are hoping we can get a few more people to go with us...the more people the funner it is i think...

And then we come to the finale, HALLOWEEN by far my favorite holiday next to christmas of course everyone loves christmas...i love going with my kids and letting them pick out what they want to dress up as, i love taking them trick or treating and seeing them have so much fun, heck i have alot of fun too...and then my sister in law always has a halloween party each year and jason and i always have a blast coming up with awesome costumes usually funy ones for the party, one year we went as the oposite sexes, he dressed as a woman and i dressed as a bike dude, it was awesome, the next year i was a pregnant drinking smoking nun and jason was a streaker, the next year i dressed as an old nasty grandma and he wa a soccer player but last year was by far the best, i dressed as fat anna nicole smith and he went as richard simmons and i mean he went all out for it too, it was hilarious...this year we are going as danny and sandy from grease, should be pretty awesome...we are all suppose to keep our costumes a secret so i hope no one that is going reads this...oh well....

Guess i will en this here and go and enjoy this wonderful month of October as much as i can cause i am so blessed with awesome family and friends. i dont think i have been this happy in years.

fool me once shame on you...fool me a hundred times shame shame shame on me

I have just recently figured out how dumb i have been to allow someone to take any kind of control over my thoughts and actions. For years now i have done nothing but allowed one single person to, bring me down and keep me down, making me question myself and what kind of person i am and question the way i do things in the different relationships i am in with people. Now for anyone that really knows me, knows that this never happens, which is why i have been questioned by all my friends and family as to why i have allowed this to go on for so many years. and boy is that a good question that i dont really have an answer for. it actually puzzles me too.

I have now come to the conclusion as to why i have allowed this to go on...i am the kind of person that feels sorry for other quickly when they are piteful and mistreated by nearly everyone else, i have the tendency to try and swoop in and by the big hero. i find pleasure in helping other in need and feeling that satisfaction when i have done so. This girl was the perfect situation for me and i was sucked right in cause the poor thing always seemed to have something awful going on in her life, baby dady problems, family problems, boy problems, every single boyfriend had cheated on her and so on and so forth and she would always come running straight to me cause i would listen to all the crap, give truthful advise whether she took it or not, and showed her that someone in her life actually cared for her. i never asked for praise or acknowlegment for all the things i went out of my way to do for, andtrust me she never gave me any either. if i had been the kind of person that only did things for the praise then i would have never done anything else for her ever after the very first time cause she never appreciated a thing i did for her yet used me on and on again whenever something would come up and me being me would always give in and do all in my power for her cause no one else would have and i couldnt just leave her hanging all the time, it was already piteful as it was.

But here was the breaking point in it all, far and few between i have had some issues myself when i could have used her to be there for me as the friend she always said she was to me, but guess what she was never ever to be found when i needed something or someone, the first couple times i was shocked i def thought she would have cared as much for me as i did her and that she would have def been there for me the very same as i did her but after a while i realized in a harsh way that she felt nothing towards me as a friend as i did her, and from there on out i began seeing that if it wasnt me doing this and that for her there was no element to our friendship so for some damn odd reason i began going far and beyond for her to prove to her that i was gonna be the best friend to her that she could ever have and with the hopes that some day she would give half the effort towards me, well that shit never happened.

about five years ago we had our first big arguement over money, money that she owed me and when it all came down it money that she denied oweing me. that was the first time i saw the twists of stores and details unfold from her mouth. that fight threw out a few days resulting in her calling me every name under the sun and she dug for the most hurtful stuff she could find to throw at me, i did lash out back at her after several nasty messages but if you ask her now she has twisted it all around just like every other single situation that has arose. now with the final straw that has broke the camels back she once again showed me no reguard as a friend, and no respect as a person by ignoring phone calls and texts for days, like many times before, and then stood me up when plans had already been done. i simple et her know that i was done, done with the lies, done with the crap, done with whatever it was that she called a friendship between us, done with her. i had finally noticed that i had let her and her antics take over certain aspects of my mind that also effected my life. Not only was i having to deal with the lies, twisting of stories, talking about me behind my back, taking everything she does to people in her life and blaming me for doing them to her, acting out towards me and then denying it all in the same breath, but i was also having to deal with her making me question myself all the time, my mind always in a big jumble trying to figure her out and then letting the anger and hate that she was bring on me for her build up and making me feel as crazy and i was sure she was.

you can only push someone so far before they are no longer willing to put up with you anymore.. and that right there is where i am at, i dont want her in my life anymore, i dont want to know anything going on in her life anymore, i dont want her knowing anything going on in mine, i simple dont want to hear or speak her name anymore or ever see her face again...and as i know you may think this is harsh feelings for someone that i had once been such good friends with but you as a reader wouldnt know that there had never really been a true friendship with us...so after one argument months ago she had said to me that if i ever had a problem come up about us that she wanted me to let her know right then and there so we could talk about it and try and work it all out, well i have tried and tried and tried calling her many times and she will never answer my calls, so what did i do i would write her a message because for some reason she would ignor my calls and text but let me write her a facebook message and she would be all over it, reading it and responding with whatever crazy shit she thought necessary at the moment. she was also one quick to call me childish with the way i would handle things when she was doing the very same things i did but then would deny it all...facebook statues, nasty messages and text (all of which i have saved, and printed for proof) im not stupid but she sure thought i was, she acted like i hadnt been around for 10 years and i didnt know all her antics. and she had the nerve to tell me that i was the only person that has always put her down, kicked her while she was down and never thought another things about it, yet ALL of her other friends have all talked about her horribly behind her back some even at her own wedding, they have all at sometime or another have gotten tired of her crap just like i have and has been done with her until she gets to feeling guilty and comes running back begging. the only friend she hasnt had any problems with is one that live miles away but i assure you if they lived closer and she had to deal with her on a daily basis she would feel the very same. and she claims she has all these friends i dont know about but until recently i had been arund her often and knew everyone she interacted with and recently she has done nothing but sit on the couch at home, sleeping all day and staying up all night in a horrible depression so how in the world has she magically met all these new friends she claims she has...internet maybe. who knows. ut you know im over it and done with it all and ready to jump straight into a stress free life of not having to worry about her all the time...shew wee it really is a weight lifted off my shoulders and so peaceful watching that old raggedy beat todeath bridge burn straight to the ground...

there is plenty more i want to say but i have already spent way more time venting my feelings than i ever should have allowed myself for the simple fact that other than gettng it all off my chest all of this and her are not worth another single second of my life...i will not waste anything else on it...and even thought i know this is gonna be read and twisted and turned to please whatever twisted mind they have i really dont give a shit...this is my blog and i can write whatever i want just like my facebook as well, you write crap aboutme all the time and then call me childish when i do but i dont care anymore, read it and take and run with it all you want.

been a while

 well the cooler weather is apon us and i cant lie im actually really liking it, wearing jeans and a tshirt is so me... not that i am looing forward to winter cause i am NOT...i dont like cold weather and i def dont like snow... shew wee i have been so busy lately i dont even know if im coming or going, the bread job has been going good for me, but i was a little stressed when i had to cover my sisters bread job also when she was gone to miami to get married and honeymoon on a cruise...so glad she is back and im back to just mine. the extra money is nice as well. school has been going good as well im really enjoying all of my classes. riveranne is doing great in school as well, she is so smart. hoping after this friday when she get her tubes put in her hearing will be better and she wont have any troubles. i sure hope so anyways, i have been terribly worried about her over it. got ryder an apointment also so if he has problems with his ears maybe we can nip it in the bud before he goes to school next year.

Riveranne started he first season of soccer with the rec. dept. its way better than soccer at the ymca cause they are actually teaching them how to play instead of just letting them run arond kicking the ball. she is doing so well but i knew she would. ryder wats to play so badly, i cant wait until spring cause he will be able to start his first season at the ymca...i love being a soccer mom!!!

My aunt and uncle are doing well, im s thankful for that, i really could have lost them. they had a motorcycle accident on august 21st and after my uncle was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks he is home recovering with fractured shoulder,  vertebra in his neck, and broke ribs, my aunt is also home recovering with a boken back but at least they are alive...had a benefit for them a week ago and it went great but they still need alot of help. they have always been like parents to me so i dont know what i would have done if something would have happened to them. i cant even describe how grateful i am that the Lord was with them.

 and with this little update of whats been going on in my life there def will be more to come because i have so many stories to share...but now i have to run to class just thought i would sit here write and chill for a minute.

the bread of life

I GOT A JOB!!! i dont even know how to act...it has literally been nearly 7 years since i had a real job making real money. i so excited, nervous, exhausted, happy...you name it i am it!!! I am a ne employee of lewis bakery and i stock and straighten the bread at the houchens grocery store right here next to my house...how more convient could it be. and to top it off, it only takes me 45 minutes each morning and thats it!!! and i get free bread and over $100 a week, its so perfect i cant even believe it...With all the excitement i have about it and finally being able to make some money to help my family financially i have a little nervousness in me as well...Now not only am i a fulltime mom and wife, fulltime student, an indepentant thirty-one consultant, and an extreme couponer, but now im adding working citizen to that as well...im a little nervouse that i have taken on to much for myself and i would be devastated if i wasnt successful at each and everything im doing at the moment....and with us making it just fine right now with only my husband;s income im so excited for all the extra stuff we are gonna be able to do since i will be contributing a little as well!!! i know this is short and sweet but i just wanted to share the more awesome new that i have gotten....im blessed...too blessed to be stressed!!!

a tortured mind

      As a small child I was nothing like I am now when it comes to people. I would have tiffs with my friends and get right over it and go on like nothing had ever happened. I would never really think about it (the fight) again. I had so many friends and always had a great time with them all.
      As a teenager I was put in a situation that i believe changed me forever when it comes to walls being put up and the way i handle certain things. I lived in house with someone that was nice one minute and the devil the next, lied on me and tried to turn certain members of my family against me, would run off more times than i could ever count and would always be welcomed back. I could actually write for days and says about that situation i was in but all i will say now is that it was a horrbile one that wouldnt ever wish on anyone. It was then that i realized that I couldnt really trust anyone because the ones that i was suppose to be able to trust, confide in, and love and recieve love from where the ones cause the worse pain ever in my life. I then built a concrete wall around myself, for a long time i didnt care about hardly anything, or anyone, even myself at times. It now takes me a very long time to get into a relationship (friendship) with someone, and even longer to really feel comfortable around then and trust them with anything going on in my life.
      Dont get me wrong i have friends, im married, and most of the time everything is perfectly fine but i will say that once an issue arises, it doesnt matter what is said, if i feel like i have been turned on, lied too, or attacked, Up goes the wall and usually the relationship is over. I have very low tolerance for that kind of stuff. So what has happen when a very close friend on mine and i had a problem, well i have held on to it, cant stop thinking about it, dwell on it, and i get angry all over again every single time i do it. I tried to let it go, to move on, like nothing had ever happened, and continue with the friendship we had, had before and even though i have tried so hard, deep in the back of mind there is still the wall up, cause i feel like it has happened once, so it will most definatly happen again. In most cases it has happened again, so i have good reasoning i guess. i find myself second guessing myself as to why i am even trying to keep the friendship going cause i know something is gonna happen again, therefore subconsiously i hold back from the relationship...i hold grudges, i never forget, i have trouble forgiving, and i tend to be quite spiteful as well...i dont like these things but even when i try i cant seem to get past those things. i dont know what to do about it...i want to be able to forgive and forget, to move on and never think about these things again.. but i dont know how...i find myself when things are going good sitting thinking about all the bad things. oh well...

the beginning of my wonderful life

12 years ago this september 9th i began dating a wonderful boy, so sweet, didnt drink, didnt smoke, stayed out of trouble and was sooo good to me. he came into my life at a very difficult time in my life and was just what i needed.  with all the loser i had dated before him, i was hooked very early in. both of us were still in school and had jobs but every single free moment we were together. Always hanging out at one of our houses or the other, riding the strip, hanging out with all our friends, movies, dinner and anything else as long as we were together. it was so odd how much we had in common and how comfortable we were with each other. i knew he would be the one i married for sure. 2 years into our relationship he purposed to me, i said yes and then we were married on this day august 8th 8 years ago. I can honestly say that he has given me more than i could ever ask for in a husband, 2 beautiful children that he is a wonderful father to. he works very hard and takes great care of us. And even though he isnt the romantic type and doesnt always show me the way i would like for him to, i know he loves me for me. and i cant even described how much i love him...he is my bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate! i truely believe God made him only for me!!! and then of course the fact alone that he has put up with me all these years must say something about how much he loves me cause i know i am not always the easiest person to get along with...I love you more today than yesturday and only half as much as i will tomorrow Robert Jason Heller!!! thank you for saving my life!

endings and new beginnings

      Even though the warm weather is here for a while longer, my summer break with my babies is nearing its end and my sad face is showing. I have taken full advantage of this summer break. With a summer pass to the pool, the kids and i have practically lived there, we are all nice and golden brown, Riveranne has made such progress with the water this summer going from not even wanting a drop to get in her face to swimming like a little fish under the water without holding her nose, Im such a proud mama! Ryder has also made huge strides for him, last year he was the baby on the side of the pool that would rarely even get in, this year he got in had a ball and wasnt afraid at all...hes such a big boy!!! and me well i just loved seeing them have a blast while i got my tan on. Having a great tan always makes me feel great. Along with funfilled days with my babies i have also taken full advantage of being able to stay up late watching movies with nowhere to be in the morning and no bedtime in site...i have had a movie addiction really this summer, i have watched a ton and it has been so nice to just have that quiet time to myself after the kids go to bed yet before jason gets home from work...it has been awesome and im terribly sad to see it come to an end... its gonna take me forever to get back on schedule, im gonna be death for the first couple of weeks...shew wee im tired thinking about it.
      For a long long time i havent worked a public job and even though it has been a mutual decission between me and my husband and he make plenty of money to pay all our bills and such i have felt terrible that i havent been contributing to our family financially. I took the biggest step last year when i decided to sign up for school again and i was so determined to be focused and do well and i did just that and i was so proud of myself. With my second semester coming up soon i cant lie, i am so very excited about it, i actually really enjoyed school last year and the feeling of actually being productive in my life, other than taking care of the kids and the house, made all the difference to me. So this semester i am taking my first meteorology class and that in itsself is what i am most excited about, if you know me and my love for weather then you will totally understand. After taking this class i will decide then whether i am going to continue with a degree in acounting or change it to meteorology...of course in my heart i really want to do meteorology... But on to my point, with the biggest step in helping my family financially being taken, i have recently decided to take yet another step. I signed up to be a thirty-one consultant. I am so very excited about this cause i love all the products and im sure everyone else will also. I hope that i will be able to kick this off right with all the support and help from my friends and family. Not only will it be fun for me but i sure hope that i can make a lil extra money so its a win win situation!!! so heres my shout out, let me know if your interested in booking a party or placing an order with me!!!
     Like being a full-time mother and wife, a full-time student, and a thirty-one consultant werent enough i have now been sucked in by extreme couponing. One of my best friends has been doing it for a while and she created a monster when mentioning it to me..lol. i have been burning up the interenet printing off hundreds of coupons, and new papers for all the coupons i can get, i have my 3 ring binder and my card collecter sleeves to keep them all organized, and as of a couple of days ago my bestie asked me to come along for one of her trips to the store where she taught a few of her secrets and i got entirely to excited about it all and i will now comfirm that i believe i am addicted...yep i am!!! i have even cleaned out our hall closet so it can be where i stash all my goodies!!! there are several of yall out there that will want our secrets but i can share them with everyone, cause i dont want all the deals gone when i want to get them...im selfish i guess!!!
       And as it seems so many things are changing in my wonderfully busy life and i am so very excited about each and everyone of them, there will always be things that will never change no matter how hard i try...just gotta suck it up and keep on with the keepin on. I have a wonderful family and i am so thankful that we are so close my sister is literally my very best friend. me and my friends always have the best time together, we are all crazy and just laugh and laugh and i love it! we are always so comfortable around each other, we dont have to beg and pleed to see each other, regular phone calls and no lies and games!!! Its awesome!!! and im so thankful for all of them. well even thought im so tired i have been fighting sleep for a while cause i just dont want to give in early, its one of the last few night i can actually stay up late...so ill end this now and then prob give on in and hit the sheets!!!

uh oh oh oh oh the right stuff

as back as far as i can remember i have loved the new kids on the block, my sister heather and i used to listen to them every single day, we knew every single word and made up dances to every song. i believe i was 4 or 5 when i first remember loving them, so as soon as i heard that they were doing a tour and was coming to nashville tn only an hour and half away from me there was no if ands or buts that heather and i were going no matter what. and with tickets purchased we headed out and had the best time ever. it was like we were small kids all over again singing and dancing along with each song. it was by far the best concert we had ever been to. danny wood was always my favorite and jordan knight was heathers and we were in love and lets just say they all look so much better now as grown men, yum!!! and then only a month after the concert there we were again purchasing more tickets to see them again in louisville ky only 2 hours away with one of our friends to see them again cause we couldnt get enough and yet again it was amazing, leaving me completely obsessed with them, even my kids are learning the words to their songs cause i have been listening to them so much.

summer break is nearing the end and we have had so much fun this summer, lots and lots of pool time with lots of our friends and i just love sun bathing and i actually got me a good tan this year. i took the kids to the county fair and even though i was disappointed in it the kids still had a really good time riding rides and being with friends. and evene though we have had a wonderful summer and we hate to see it end riveranne is very excited to go back to school and be in the first grade and im very excited to start this next semester of college where i am going to be taking my first meteorology class and i just cant wait. i really do enjoy going to school and i take pride in how well i did last semester and im hoping to do just as well this time, im gonna give it my all thats for sure. its great to have something to do that is actual progress towards something that will help my family. its been a while since i felt like i was actually doing something good for my family.

i have also decided to go on yet another adventure and come august first i will be a new 31 distributor. im very excited for this as well. they have so many cute and useful items that i am in love with and i really miss doing in home parties and stuff like that, at least these items are more people friendly than the last ones i sold...lol....so hopefully ill be able to do really well with it with the support from my family and friends. lots of cool items for me, flexable hours, a little extra income, my own business, and fun! what more could you want. so if you want something or would like to take advantage of hostess only items and getting free stuff let me know!!!

hoping for some very exciting changes in the very near future for me and my family. gonna keep it hush hush for now but if things fall into place the way i think they will, well then ill share it with everyone. i have been really really trying hard to let things go, not to hold on to grudges like i always have in the past and trying not to hold things from the past again people, i think im doing better but i cant lie its not an easy task at all, because every other time i have thought everything was going good, i get punched right in the face with a book of things wrong that overwhelmes me and i not sure how to take that and knowing it will more than likely happen again like it has many times already, its hard for me to pretend im over it all and i dont think about it and somewhat hold it against them. because i do but im trying at least or there would be no relationship at all anymore! my family has been all doing really good and im very thankful for that. and now that i have updated everyone on whats been going on in my life lately im gonna end this here.

leave it to my daughter

Riveranne just turned 6 years old but has always from day one had the mentality of a child much older. I believe it comes from her being with me day in and day out before she went to school and me always talking to her like she was grown, no baby talk. My mother says i was the very same way so she must get it honest. She has always talked about and played like she was grown with a husband and kids, she already has names picked out for her kids, my four grandkids 2 girls and 2 boys, Shyli Lo, kyla, Brick, and Jake. she wants to be a wife and a mother just like me. she is very smart also, and has common sense something that alot of adults dont even have. and even though she is very grown in the way she thinks, acts and talks she still have that childish carefree way about it.

 Tonight i decided to go get some junk food after it had already gotten dark out, she was so shocked that the stores were still open so late (8pm) when i informed her that alot of them stay open all night long and said "shew wee i couldnt ever work at a place that stays open all night cause i would get so tired and might fall asleep and not know when it is time to get off and go home." i just giggled. after leaving Food Lion with our junk food in the car on the way home Riveranne told me she wanted to be a cashier, the person that we give our money too because it would be so cool to get to keep all that money...i then told her that the cashiers dont get to keep all that money, and she said " you mean the owner gets it all, thats not fair" i said yeah the owner gets all that money and then...and she jumped right in and said " and then they give the cashiers a paycheck for doing all the work so good right?" and i said yes! she then asked me who the owner of Food Lion was and i said well its a man named Food Lion and she got really queit...after a few minutes she spoke back up and said in a very questionable voice " you mean to tell me there is a man named Food Lion....Food lion really?" i just busted out laughing, it was soooo funny!!! i couldnt fool her! she acts and just like me, which people tend to think im a bit crazy but i love it and i totally love that she is just like me! she my bestest girl in the world and she knows it.

what i love most

sitting back in the beach chair, sunglasses on, yet eyes closed, all oiled up. putting my face to the sky and feeling the sun on my face, on my body, hot and tingling. sitting there all layed out soaking up all the sun i can until i cant take it anymore then jumping into the cold water, its shocking at first but feels so good. i love sitting there watching my children, jumping into the pool, splashing, floating, playing and laughing, there is nothing better than seeing the smiles on their faces and hearing them giggle and laugh, it warms my heart while the sun warms my body. i love sitting there with my very best friends in the world, chatting, laughing, being able to take about anything and be completely myself, snapping pictures, and gossiping about the latest drama going on. we sit at the kiddie pool cause all our kids are very small so we wait for the whissle so we can grab our kids and head to take a dip in the big pool in peace...its relaxing, its fun, we all love it.

coming home from a day in the sun and cooling off in the awesome AC, getting out of our wet clothes and me and my two babies crawl into my big bed, snuggling all together, watching cartoons until they drift off into a nap, i lay there looking at them, so sweet and innocent, their heads laying on my arm and me running my hands threw their hair or rubbing their backs while they rest until i myself fall into a nap...sooo lovely!!

and after all the fun there comes a time where i actually get to cook and clean up the house while the kids continue playing. then we go to the back yard where i watch them swing, run, pull each other in the wagon, ride their bikes and play and laugh, while the bugs bite my legs....but i love it all

finally, sitting on the porch on a warm summer evening, high on the hill where my house sits out looking the city in which we live, watching the sun set and feeling the breeze. the lightning bugs are flying around and my children along with the two dogs are running around, playing, and laughing. so relaxing. then coming in getting ready for bed, watching some tv and snuggling on the couch, tickling them, getting sweet kisses and hugs and say "i love you" over and over again until it is time to tuck my sweet angels in their beds...and of course i go back in to check on them before i go to bed, to make sure they are comfortable, sleeping well and perfect, and you know they always are...this is the life i live and i wouldnt change a thing, its a better life than i could ever asks for, i have been so blessed.

what more?

what more do you want from me? i try so hard to let things go, to move on, and pretend things havent happened and things havent been said but i have the hardest time with it. i am the biggest grudge holder i know, i cant help it, i have always been this way and i just dont see the point in trying to forgive and pretend nothing ever happened when i know it will happen again and in all the situations i have been in where i have tried to move on and forget, it has always happened again and again. what more do you want from me? so i was told i dont put forth enough effort, when in all honesty you dont put forth enough effort, i invite you and you dont come...what am i suppopse to do about it, i cant make you care or feel like you should be there when you obviously dont but get upset with me when i stop inviting you. its a waste of breath on my part. we can talk about it all you want but nothing ever changes.

on a better note: my baby girl is now 6 years old and she had the best birthday ever, we had the biggest crowd ever and lots and lots of fun...i cant tell you how proud i am of her she is such a big girl, very respectful and smart. you dont get any better than her and my boog. im just so glad that she has soooo many awesome people in her life to love her. the toys have taken over my house and i love every bit of it. my best friend jenn got married a week ago and i am so very happy for her, she finally has a wonderful man in her life that loves her and her baby girls as much as they deserve. it hurt my heart so bad that i couldnt be there with her on her special day but at least she knows i was there in spirit and that i love her to pieces. i have seen her go through stuff she shouldnt have ever had to go through, but now she has someone that loves her and her babies finally have the daddy they needed.

i am loving this warm weather, i live for summer time. my daughter got a summer pass to the city pool for her birthday and we have already been living there, have so much fun and getting a good tan, we all just love it and it give us something we can all do as a family during the summer.

well all in all my life is great, i cant complain cause i have all i could ever want. and with that being said...bye

unconscious thoughts

       For my whole relationship i have had dreams about my hubby cheating on me. Very weird dreams that occur roughly a couple times a month and take right off from one another like a story. They are extremely real and the ones you just cant help but think about all day long, its really bothering me. Some people say its normal, some people say its healthy but i just think it is driving me crazy. The actually have been more realistic lately and more often as well, and even though i never not even once have i ever really thought jason was cheating on me i still have these dreams!
      Not all of my dreams are about jason cheating on me, i have several dreams about an old friend of mine that i havent seen in years and years. I have dreams that i see him and i cant get to him or that someone knows where he is and they wont tell me and other dreams too. Its also a dream i have very often and is odd to me sometimes, i dont even think of him in my everyday life yet i dream of him nearly every single week. i wonder what that means, it really does make me rack my brain sometimes and really bothers me. what does these dreams really mean, whats going on in my head that i myself dont even know about, am i in some kind of denial about soemthings, whats the deal.

i give up

it seems as the days go on and i try and believe things are all gonna work out some way or another i just keep getting disapointed. not like gas isnt high enough and hard enough to fill my big ass gas gusler up but everytime i have put a bunch of money worth of gas in the suburban it has broke down and i havent even been able to drive it, so there it is just sitting in the drive way with a nearly full tank of gas and full of money i didnt have to begin with and i cant even use it. we have fixed more things than i can even count or name just to try and sell the damn thing and it just keeps on messing up. what in the hell!!! i just dont understand it. And then my husband just keeps getting madder and madder about it all yet he is not willing to stop spending money on stuff we dont need like tv's and speakers and customizing our other blazer with every bit of the extra money we have instead of trying to figure out and get whatever is wrong with the one vehicle i have to depend on to get my and the kids around and the one vehicle that we are trying to sell. who is gonna buy a truck that doesnt run...NOONE!!! but no he just keeps on fussing about having to use "his" money to fix things on it. whenever i have "my" money which is not often but when i do it always goes to bills or something like that, never to anything i just want...

and not only is something always wrong with the truck but someone is always sick, first my daughter then my son then the hubby and then me, and who is the one they all want to take care of them? ME good ole mommy but as i have said many many times before when mommy finally gets down sick no one is there to take of me... so here i am sick yet still having to do everything around here, i am so exhausted, and sick, and my nerves are shot, im really thinking im gonna have to take up some kind of habit just to get me through. maybe drinking or something, maybe that would make me feel better cause these nerve pill they gave me sure arent working. i dont know what im gonna do. i couldnt even tell ya the last time i really felt calm, relaxed, with nothing on my mind to worry me to death, its literally always something around here. i need a job yet i cant get one because i dont have anyone to watch the kids. there no winning for loosing.

more things that irritate me to death.

1. When people use things that are yours and treat it with no respect, and then ends up tearing it up and wont replace it. They think its no big deal and that they dont have to. Or people that own you money and doesnt think another thing about it, knowing everyone could use extra money now adays but they would rather blow it on stupid stuff than pay back their debts. never loan money to family or friends and expect it back because it will do nothing but ruin your relationship.
2. i hate it when people try and bust you out in front of other people about things they dont even know about, just mind your own business and dont worry about what i do and when i do it, if you are not sleeping with me and paying my bills then you dont have the right to know what i do in my house, with my money, or my time.
3. i cant stand people that run their mouths about other people when they themselve are the very same as them, must be in denial or something because everything they say is exactly the way they are. look in the mirror.
4. and i really cant stand when parents spoil their children and give them any and everything they want whenever they want it. its hilarious yet very annoying at the same time to watch a child run the house, telling the parent how its gonna be and no rules or decipline, its a shame really. the kids arent anything but spoiled little brats that no one can stand being around and will probably end up in jail or something. none of that shit goes on in my house let me tell ya. my kids know im boss and what i say goes.
5. hates it when you call and call and text and text and never get an answer, i mean can you not answer and tell me if you busy or dont want to talk. no response just pisses me off.
6. and having a ton of so called friends and hardly any of them would be there if i really needed them.
7 i cant stand bad drivers and i usually end up with a horrible case of road rage.
8.i hate people that feel like they have to lie all the time to make themselves look better in other peoples eyes. its quite sad really.

things that irritate me to death

1. Girls that feel the need to make sure everyone know they have low self esteem and fish around so that someone will compliment them all the time. really meaning they think they are cute and just need to hear it all the time. It really just gets on my nerves, get over yourself for real. Half the time people just compliment you because you are fishing for one, not really because you are looking cute that day. fishing for compliments is not cute!
2.  I can not stand someone that thinks others own them something because of their race or some other reasons like being a spoiled little brat. get over it and make things happen for yourself instead of relying on others and thinking others owe you this and that. Its ridiculous really. Oh and people who also forget where and who they come from and how they were raised, thinking they are better than their family, hello you came from the same people. and you aren't any better nor should you be ashamed either. such spoiled brats really piss me off.
3. i can not stand family and friends that only use you for what you can do for them and then are done with ya, and not so oddly enough are no where to be found when you need something...funny i think not.
4.i also cant stand horrible parents that fish for praises on how great parents they think they are, things like that are obvious so your not fulling anyone.
5. i hate it how when a man is sick he is up in the bed cant move, cant get up, cant do anything at all but lay there dying but when a woman is sick she still has to do everything like nothing is different with no help and when she does ask for help then she is looked at like she has no right to get sick. its sad a wife and mother can get any help when she is down for the count.
6. liars of all shapes and sizes.
7. two faced people, which is nearly everyone
8. people who talk bad to you about all their family and other friends and then actually believe you think they dont talk about you behind your back.
9. i cant stand people who will tell anyone your best friends but then you never talk, see each other or anything, sorry thats not considered best friends.
10.i cant stand people who keep on talking the same shit over and over and over again every single time they see you, who cares. get over it move on your not the victim your a nut job that causes all the trouble and then lies about it
more to come later

mothers

      With mothers day approaching i have been sitting here thinking about all the great mothers that have been in my life. They have taught me, taken care of me, loved me, kept me straight, and inspired me. so i thought i would honor them and reflect on all the things they have done for me in my life to help make me the person and mother i am today.
      My mother, one of the best mothers around. She has always been the one to take care of me, help and encourage me every day of my life. When i was a child she was the one that was always there for everything i did. cheering me on. she kept me inline and made me a good person. She probably doesnt even know it but she really saved my life, at a time things were horrible in my life she took me in and changed my life for the better, if it werent for her i dont know what would have happened or where i would be. We have a normal mother daughter relationship and a not so normal mother daughter relationship. She has been a great friend to me as well, very understanding and caring, and not only has she been there for me but she has been there for my husband and my kids whenever we need her. She is a great woman and a wonderful mother.
      My mamaw was my world and even thought i only had her in my life for a very short 5 years she meant everything to me. In her eyes, i was IT! It seemed as though i was always with her and i loved every minute and cherrish all those memories. She loved me and spoiled me and always made me feel special. I love her  and miss her terribly and would give anything for her to be here and see my children cause i know she would make them feel the same way she did me. I know she is watching over me.
     My ma was an exceptional woman. a hard worker and would do anything for each one of her kids and many grandkids. She always showed us that she loved us and took great care of us, as we spent alot fo time with her because she watched us in the summertime. I also love her and miss her terribly wishing my children would have been able to know her and how great she was.
     My mother in law is great, she welcomed me into the family and treated me just like i was her own daughter. always willing to help if we need her too.
     My stepmother is a great person and lots of fun. her and i were great friends and coworkers before she ever became my step mother and i love her to death, she is such a hardworker and would do anything that she possible could to help you out if you needed her, sometime to a flaw because it seem some take avantage of her.
     Last but far from least is one of my aunts. she had always been like a second mother to me. always taking good care of me and shows she loves me. she has been there for me so many times when now i did know to do or where to go, she was there. i could never thank her enough for all that she has done for me over the years. she reminds me alot fo my ma. which is a huge honor.
    And with all these wonderful mothers in my life, how could i not have learned all i could ever need to know to be a great mother myself. I would like to think that i am a great mother like all of them have been. I find myself thinking many times about what they would do in certain situations and im just so thankful that a part of each of them are in me and i can show that same kind of unconditional love to my children and grandchild some day.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO THE ALL!!!

conclusions

     My first semester back to college has been awesome. I really wanted to go back therefore i have really enjoyed myself and my classes and i have worked really really hard to my very best and i dont want to brag but i have done really really well. Gonna walk away from this semester with three A's and a B so yep im pretty proud of myself. And as the conclusion of this semester approaching i have been having such a fun time thinking, planning and registering for classes in the fall...i really cant wait for it cause im gonna be taking some really fun classes one being a meteorology class that i am the most excited about. If you know me then you know that i have always loved weather, mostly storms. I have also always had a fascination with tornadoes and what better way to be able to enjoy these things and my possible career than to change my major from accounting to meteorology. So thats what im gonna do! yay.
     As much i enjoyed my classes themselves it was also really nice to get out of the house and have a few hours a week away from the house and the kids and all my responsibilities there. dont get me wrong i totally love being a stay home mom and taking care of my kids hubby and house but everyone needs a break every now and again and time to do something for themselves and i can truly say that going back to school has really made me feel better about my family's future and better about myself. i had gotten to a point in my life that i felt even though i took care of everyone and everything at home i felt as if i wasnt doing anything productive and now i dont really feel that way. i have a feeling of accomplishment. Still got quite a way to go but hey its a start!!!
     I have come to yet another conclusion recently as well. I have decided that it doesnt matter what all i do for other and how little is done for me. Im just gonna roll with the punches from now on, im not gonna get upset, hurt feelings or angry about any of it anymore. When something comes up with someone i care about i do for them the way i want to do for them, i do for them the way i would love for someone to do for me. i do what i feel needs to be done and what i should do being it is someone i care for whether i think they would ever do the same for me or not, most never would, but still i cant help but be there for them because that it the kind of person i am. i will be glad for each and every phone call, even if they are weeks apart. i will be grateful for each visit even if i have to go to them and they never come to my house to visit! i will be glad that i have people i can call my friends even though we hardly ever hang out or make plans together to do things together ever. i will just be glad i have something i guess. i understand everyone is busy. heck im busy! And when something is going on in my life i will not expect a call, text, message, or a visit but will be thankful if i actually do get one. i have realized it is not realistic for me to think that just because im completely involved and care about nearly everything that goes on my my "friends" lives that they feel the same way about me and after all these years i am finally OK with that. i understand!!! its all good i love my family and my friends!!!
     So i am healing up quite well from my surgery, still get a little sore in my side when i do alot of stuff and i still cant wear my regular jeans because it feels like it is ripping my belly button incision open but other than that im doing really well. my kids have been really working me over though cause they know that i cant jerk a knot in their tail yet so they have been acting up a little more but all will be back to normal very soon and they will be straightened back up very soon.
     So today was jasons 28th birthday and the poor thing was in a very bad mood all day because we had some issues with my suburban. and with all the new copays i have been having because of all the dr visits and stuff and then the hospital bills to come we just dont have any extra money to fix all the things we need to fix on the suburban just so we can hopefully sell it and get out from under the extreme gas prices that have also been taking alot of extra money from us. we just can win for losing sometimes but i know that everything will work out someway somehow cause it always does. The LORD always takes care of us and i have faith that he always will!!!
     My daughter has just started playing here first season of tball and she is loving it. She looks so adorable in her uniform and is actually a very good player. she can hit that ball without using the T. i am so proud and there is nothing i love more than watching her have fun doing the stuff she wants to do. im one of those moms you see on the sidelines screaming and cheering very loudly for my baby. i just love it and i hope that im not too embarrassing. My son is the cutest little thing as well, he is too young to play but loves watching his big sister and wants to get out there and play so badly, it doesnt matter if its soccer, basketball, or tball they both love it all and whatever they want to do they get to do because i love to watch them have fun... they make me so proud and brighten my days.
     And as i could go on and on and on about lots of little things going on in my wonderful life i have decided to end this here and get my big tired but in the bed...goodnight world

recovery

well surgery didnt go as planned, was suppose to go in have it taken out and then head back to the house same day, but leave it up to me to have a huge liver in the way taking much longer in surgery, some extra bleeding resulting in a drain tube and over night stay in the hospital with lots of pain... and note to self even though they was giving me to "good stuff" while in the hospital, moraphine isnt really all that great for pain, it just makes you so drowsy and looney just dont really care that your still hurting really bad. and of course jason didnt stay with me that night in the hospital, my step mom debbie did, jason never stays with me when i have had to stay over in the hospital, poor thing might miss a few hours of sleep, since i have been home jason has taken care of the kids good but the house work is piling up and im just too sore still to do it so i guess it will just pile on up...

and of course during moments like this people show you there true colors, so many people called, texted, messaged me, and stuff to check on me and i was so thankful for that, shows you that people really do care, and then some people do the very opposite, and of course thats when i remind myself that i shouldnt have been expecting anything from them in the first place so that i wouldnt be dissapointed and once i have reminded myself of that, i never give it another thought.

had a wonderful Easter even though i wasnt feeling the best, i was able to spend it with all my family, my moms side on saturday with dinner and egg hunt at my house and then with my dads side on sunday with lunch and egg hunt, kids had a blast and that was all i wanted was to see them have fun...Easter bunny was too good to them as well...maybe cause they are such awesome kids...dont find kids like my kids these days, grateful, thankful, respectful, loving, caring, and they behave, i sure dont know any.  knowing me you know this weekend was a wonderful one for me because of all the storms we got, i just loved loved loved it, still got a few more day of them to come too and im very excited about that. oh and i have had two new babies born in the family in a week, very exciting, baby lilly james dillon was born last monday and is gorgeous and then briar easton babb surprised us all with his appearance on easter sunday, funny huh, Easton born on Easter!!! and he is so handsome as well...sure makes me want another one sometimes when i see all these precious little babies, i really miss mine being that small, times has just flown by and all my babies are growing up on me and i dont know what to do...i keep reminding my sisters that they need to have me some more neice and nephews to keep my baby fix but its just not working too well....lol

well seems as if all that moriphine they gave me is still haviing some effects on me and i feel as if i could pass out at anytime alseep, im gonna end this right here and take a bit of a nap maybe...sooo but im pretty hungry too...too many choices

blah blah blah

is sitting here just plum exhausted, trying to get all the laundry, dishes, floorsand everything else cleaned up and done before i go to have my gallbladder taken out in the morning. i also have some homework and a couple tests to study for and i feel as if i havent had any sleep. it seems the only way to get some rest is to go in for surgery. And even though im not actually nervous about the surgery itself, i am very uneasy about the recovery process and the fact that jason is gonna be taking care of the kids and the house for a couple days all by himself. This meaning nothing is gonna get done and will all be waiting for me as soon as i can do it myself. and there will be nothing but arguing and stuff going on because jason has no patients when it comes to the kids and the kids tend to test him way more than they do me...so the more i think about the more i realize it will be a rushed recovery process if i want to keep my sanity.

on another note this semester is almost to the end and i am doing great still...i have A's in every class but one and i am very very proud, i have actually really enjoyed this semester and cant wait to get going on the next one, gonna take more classes next time, im confident that it will be good as well. still seriously thinking about changing my major to meteorology. i just know i would love it.

i have been the mood to go out and hang out with friends lately and thanks to my girl Jenn i have been able to get away from the house a few times and hang out with her a bit, i love it and need it at times. i dont have many people to hang out with these days and not usually not hardly anytime to do so either, but its nice to know someone is thinking about you and wants to see and talk to you in between the busy stresses of life...its good to have some relief sometimes...is still so excited about this weekend full of easter fun, hunting eggs, family and friends, and good food...even though ill be moving slow i cant wait to see the kids all excited, they just love hunting eggs and they are gonna be able to a few different times this weekend, also gonna color a bunch of eggs, we all love doing that also. well thought i would write a quick blog since i hadnt in a while so there ya go...have a great day.

frustrated

woke up this morning after having a dream and was madder than fire, with lots to say to a certain person and the more i thought about it the madder i got, i got up out of the bed and got the kids up and breakfast made and thought about what i was gonna say to this person, everything i felt, let them know about themselves and then i realized all of sudden how they were not worth one breath from me or one second of my thoughts.

its odd how a dream will bring back up something that you havent even thought about in a long minute, and then its all right back, all the anger, and frustration and wanting to let those people know about themselves, i have always been a very confrontational person, i will let you know exactly how i feel about almost anything without worrying about what you really think. the fact that i havent really told these people exactly what i think of them i believe is what has brought it all back up to me again in a dream, especially since i have been having very descriptive dreams lately. All i want to do is come face to face with them and let them know how hypicritical they are, and childish, and as much as they may think they are christians, they really need to re-evalute themselves with the way they act and treat others that have done nothing but help them out in the past and do for them, love them and pray for them. talk about people behind their backs and make up lies about them... sometimes i wonder how i let them slip under my radar and why i ever did so much for them and gave a crap about them when i was witnessing them do others this way, i should have def know they would do it to me as well...i must have been stupid or something...i know that coming face to face with them and telling everything i thought would have no effect on them cause they enjoy being the way they are like its a game or something to them and all their friends but still i really think it would make me feel better but why waste my time and breath, they are not worth it, not one bit, they will be the ones to have to live with the way they have done people and trying to call themselves christians there is no place for me to to do it for them, it will come back to them soon enough....

these dreams are really starting to bother me with bringing back up all kinds of different things i hadnt worried with in a while...but oh well...just thought i would vent this out this morning and get some of it off my chest persay.

the week ahead

so as monday was sure to come here i am at 6 in the morning on riverannes spring break wide awake while both kids are still sleeping, jason just went to work. i wanted nothing more than the kids to sleep in so i could and that just didnt happen. oh well. as i sit here in the darken house im very hopeful and excited for the storms we are suppose to be getting today, i just cant say enough how much i really really love them...i could have it come a thunderstorm every other day. My windows are open and im loving the warm tempts and the awesome breeze coming in. and as calm as i am right now i am also very overwhelmed with all that i have going on this week. oh how i wish i was on the beach relaxing all week, soaking up the sun, and having a blast like my youngest sister is this week, but as she is living the dream, im here at home living the reality.

Today starts the fun, i have to take my daughter to the dr this morning because she has been having alot of issues with not being able to hear. i catch her with her tv blaring all the time saying she cant hear it. It has been taking me 3 or 4 times saying here name before she seems to hear me and answer me and as much as i would like to get angry thinking it is just selective hearing im afraid that it really isnt and that she is having some real trouble with her ears and really cant hear me. she has always had alot of trouble with ear infections and now i just praying that there is nothing permenantly wrong with her poor little ears because of them.

on another medical note, i am also gonna be having a procedure done this week, an upper scope run on my stomach because they are wanting to check and make sure i dont have a hernia, or something else wrong before they go ahead and remove my gallbladder which is full of gall stones, i only pray that they fing out something might explain all the stomach issues and back pain i have been having for way to long now. i cant lie and say im not nervous, they say i will be sudated but im still tripping about feeling the scope being put down my throat, and then im tripping about being put all the way out for my gallbladder to be removed as well, even though i have had two c section i was awake for them so this will be the first time i have ever been completely put under.

 and yet another glorious thing this week is, this is jasons long week to work making it even less time he is here to help me out with everything else going on and i have to be at western tuesday all day for class and a test, then thursday for class and a test, and then again on friday for yet another wonderful test, yep you heard that right, three tests this week along with everything else..yay for me. and as much as i really should be studying for the three test i have, i am sitting here on the computer typing away. you know i scheduled this whole semester of college around jason working 2nd shift and it was all working out great until his job decided to move him to a 12 hour day shift right in the middle of my semester forcing me to search and try and find a babysitter for a son and now both of my children since riveranne is on spring break this week, not an easy task might i add, but it has all worked out so far, it just makes it all very stressful for me at time.

now on to a lighter topic, this weekend was awesome, perfect weather, jason was off, and we had a great time all together, much needed family time for sure. it was perfect. its coming upon that time again for cookouts and family and friends time and i just simply cant wait, its my favorite time of the years, so many fun things you can do in the spring and summer. and now my loves have awaken so my life of milk and honey buns has started...good morning everyone.

i be strokin

At the beginning of my senior year i would have never imagined that i would gain such a friendship with the unlikely person that i did. but after attending her baby shower, the first moment of our friendship, we were always together after that. I had other friends but none like her. Before becoming friends with her my life revolved only around my soon to be husband, with friends only at school and at work but none i actually hung out with.

It was odd how alike we were and all the things we had in common and the fun and crazy things we did together, i could go on for days. i was thrilled when she had her precious little boy, i loved him like he was my own, and loved being able to be around them all the time when he was so little. As i sit here thinking i cant help but share some of the crazy things we have done with you. we were in the generation of cruising the strip and there we were many a weekends jamming out to whip it good and strokin, while i sucked the wrapper right off a bingo dabber. back and forth we would go just laughing and having a great time. once we even talked a police officer into giving us his handcuffs so we could cuff each other and take picture which imbelieve have made it on to the internet somehow...jk. we have lit farts in my car until she lit one that caught her pants on fire as the flame followed the fart down the leg of her pants, we had to smack the fire out, it was awesome!!! and yet not the only time she tried to burn my truck up, on the way to slammin and jammin the first year, the best year, we went she lit her cig backwards and the flames were touching the ceiling, we were both screaming over that one. and now that i have brought up slammin and jammin let me just mention that we had the best time ever with our own little way of getting beads, having a naked guy with a cowboy hat covering his willy jump in the back of my truck, seeing two of the biggest titties we have ever seen in our lives, trying to scrub the soot off the back of her neck from sitting in the line of wind from the burnouts, and everything in between. It was def a weekend ill never forget.

and there is a new year that stands out to me when a she slightly lit, decided to tag along to the pizza place from a party we had been at, she informed me that the glasgow municipal airport was yearly lit, and laid up on the counter at dominos, after i told her to stay in the car, and proceeded to tell the very large guy behind that counter that she knew him and had once spanked him with a peacock feather...i for sure she was gonna get a PI. but she didnt!!! i have been with her when she caught one of her boyfriends cheating and threw the bitch down the stairs, while being stalked by another ex boyfriend at the mcdonalds, being the get away car...lol, acting retarded at the walmart and laughing in the rain cause we couldnt even walk to the car, many trips to upton and acting like lesbos, watching scary movies and getting the shit scared out of by two different guys named derek! and me screaming thinking i was dying making her poor four year old son think he was dying all because she decided to stop in the middle of a country road with a damn posume in the road right in front of us, the second posume we had seen that night...im terrified of posumes.

And as we became of age we progressed out fun to the ramada!!! dancing around having a blast, and always singing to our song, I be strokin nearly every weekend. that was were i was attacked by an old man, and where she met her husband, but not before we played with a few peoples drunk minds by telling them we were twin and i just hogged all the nutrients while we were in the womba nd that was why i was sooo big and she was soooo little...

we even almost killed her husband before he was her husband during a water fight in her house were he slipped and came down on his neck and back with feet in the air, at the same time that she was throwing a mop bucket of water on him, resulting in him laying in the floor unconscious drowning, me screaming and her peeing her pants, he, poor thing still isnt right since that night...but still married her anyways and i was able to witness it as her maid of honor!

I seriously could go on and on and on about all the crazy fun times we have had together but its about my bedtime and im prob boring you!!! But i can honestly say i have never had a friend like her...lots of good times and lots of bad, but its always be me and her through them all...and yes we have had our ups and downs also but hey what friends dont, we have always got through them as well. I just realized that even though we are still friends we are so different than we used to be, we are now two old married women with kids, housework and school work, not much time to hang out, whippin it good and strokin it to the left, and i miss it terribly sometimes especially when im sitting at home bored like i am tonight. i really love to just chat with her and think back about all the stuff we have done. oh well its still me and her, just a different me and her!!!

set myself up for this

all my life i have been a giver!!! im the one that gives all i have in every single relationship and friendship i have ever been in. i cant help its just the way that i am. i want the people in my life to know that i am there for them, that i love them and that i want them to be happy. and i do all in my power for them to know these things. family and friends i do the same. i think many times i have outdone myself and now when something is going on or someone needs something who do they come to....ME...!!! and im there as usual, to bring a laugh, listen, advice when asked, and for whatever else.
dont get me wrong its nice to feel like im needed. but who is there for the girl that is there for everyone? there are fewer than i can count on one hand. hardly anyone there and concerned or interested in the bad and good going on in my life. no one i can run too, talk too about any and everything thats on my mind at any given time. its odd to me at times when i really think of all the times i have been there for people and never not even once have they or would they probably ever be there that way for me and its just plan and simply sad. sometimes its  like with all i give to everyone else im not even worth an answered phone call or text or a call back, something that doesnt surprise me in the least but still bothers me when i sit and think about it. maybe there needs to be some change in the way i am with people, maybe i shouldnt make myself so available for this kind of thing to happen. you know the saying goes treat others the way you want to be treat and i have done that my whole life but i really feel sorry for certain ones if i start treating people the way they treat me. use me for all i have to give and then dont know me when things are so bad. oh how it would be so nice to have a FEW good friends that i could share good times with, visits, and chats, shopping, movies and whatever else we could do that would be fun. and then again to be there is something bad arose in my life...oh well this is something i have dealt with my whole life i should be used to it by now

its just a dream

so for years and years i have been having this one certain kinda dream about my husband, i have at least once a month and its always about him cheating on me. i know and if you know jason you will also know that doesnt have that in him, i really dont think he would ever cheat on me, he would end our relationship first. i never doubt him, i completely trust him therefore i have no clue why i keep having these dreams all the time. they are very descriptive and real, the kind that you cant get off your mind all day long and not only are they the same but they also take right off where the last one ended and they just continue on. in the dreams i always find out jason is cheating on me and when i confront him about it he thinks its funny has no remorse and doesnt plan on stopping, everyone else already knew and there i am looking like an idiot, and the odd thing is i always stay with him and still want to make it work knowing he is not going to change because we have children together. i would never be that way in real life, ever. for one i really dont think jason would be able to pull something like that off without me knowing, im very sneaky and sly and i always find things out when i want to, for two i would never stand for someone cheating on me and me putting up with it just because i have kids with them. it would be over and done with on the spot which is another reason why i find these dreams so weird. in one of the dreams i had found out jason had cheated on me yet again and i went and cheated on him to get back at him, also something i would never do. and then last night the dream was no different than normal except at the end of the dream i actually left him. i really wish that this means i will no longer have these dreams anymore, i dont like them at all, cause even thought i know he would never do that to me they just keep those things on my mind and i dont like that at all.

this is not the first time i have had a series of dreams but the times before they were about someone else, a friend i hadnt seen in years and in the dreams i would always see this person across the room or crowd but i couldnt ever get to them to speak to them and i wanted nothing more than to get to them and speak to them, or i would run into someone that new the person and wouldnt tell me anything or how i could reach them, it would always make me so upset because i just wanted to get to them but i couldnt. and even though i have always had very descriptive dreams lately since i have been on a new medication my dreams have been even more descriptive making them even harder to get over...i think i need some therapy or something, these things are making me crazy for real.

pray the gay away

i want to start this blog off by saying this is a blog of opinion, mine opinion and nothing more, its a very touchy subject that i am not afraid to give my opinion on even if it differs from many people i know. as i sat at home this afternoon flipping through the channels i came across a show called "our america" on OWN network, with the subject of pray the gay away, of course this caught my attention and therefore i began watching. i have family members and several friends that are gay and i personally believe you are born gay!! i dont see how people would think that you are turned gay by the way you were raised, if that was the case then wouldnt gay people come from gay people, and um thats not possible...i do not believe its a choice, i dont understand why people would choose to be gay and in many cases have their family against them, many people against them and all the hate crime against them. i also cant believe its a choice when a 4 or 5 year old knows they are gay before they ever know what sexual orientation is. i just cant believe that.

the first section of the show was about a somewhat religious group of gay people, kinda like a hidden society, where gay people get together and try to pray the gay way and that, that is the only way to be close to God! within this group never not one person ever turned completely straight even if they did try living a straight lifestyle for the most part, the majority also had problems with depression and many suicides and suicide attemps, now here is when i get very confused. the bible says being gay will send you straight to hell so you try to pray the gay away so you can be someone your not resulting in depression and suicide that in the bible it says will also send you to hell...i just dont get it, why cant people just be happy with who they are. i dont believe you can help who you are attracted to and who you love.

in the second section of the show they went to a camp for children and teenageers that were struggling with their sexual oreintation and their moto was they were totally gay and totally christian all at the same time...they taught them how to love themselves, to know that God created them the same as everyone else, and how to learn about the Lord and how to love everyone. it was nice. they also brought up something i totally agree with, they said that every single scripture in the bible can be taken differently by every single person that reads it. i may read and understand one scripture totally differently than you do. its a very individual kind of thing. They said that God loved variety, he made many different kinds of birds, bugs, and plants, why not human beings as well. just something to think about.

I am not gay. however i will never judge someone that is. if you are comfortable with yourself and your relationship with God thats great and something that should only be between you and God anyways, it shouldnt involve anyone else. I just think that everyone should love themselves for who they are and shouldnt feel like they have to change for someone else...and i promise this if either of my children came to me and told me they were gay, i would do nothing but love them with all my heart and support them the best i possible could, because regardless i know i am raising my children to be good human beings, love and be kind to other people, not to judge and to love, worship and praise God and thats all that matters to me. oh and i love me a good drag queen show....lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

funny fighting female

every since i was a kids i have been quit tough, not one to take anything from anymore and would def stick up for myself and everyone else i loved. its just natural for me, and i can be quit mouthy as well, i can hit you were it hurts with words anyday and will before i result to physical altercations. however there have been a few physical altercations in my past and even though i handled what i needed to handle at the time its quit funny when i think back on them. once as a very young teenager i was wrestling in the living room with one of my adult cousins and he told me i couldnt get him in a hold that he couldnt get out of so what did i do, wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waiste and went to squeezing until he was falling out and then my dad made me let him go...along the same time my dads friend was teaching me some karate and was told to stop teaching me because i was soaking it up like a sponge and my dad was afraid i woulod really hurt someone because one night while playing around with my dad i did one of the moves without even thinking and it resulted in him slamming against the wall cause i had kneed him in the groin.

if you know me well then you know how my relationship with my first stepmom was horrid from beginning til the end, and after making it very clear that it wouldnt be best for her to lay her hands on me, she grabbed me anyways and before i even knew it i sent her flying across the kitchen floor, i was kinda shocked i had done it myself, but for her sake she better be glad that was all i ever did cause with the hatred i used to have for her it could have been alot worse. im over it now and i find it quit comical now.... and then while i was preggie with my second child one of my lab tests came back bad and all the nurses led me to believe was that my husband had in fact cheated on me so, with the hormones running wild and the thought of my husband cheating on me i went a little crazy literally ran to the bedroom jumped on him while he was sleeping and starting beating him, screaming and crying, i couldnt help it, i later that day found out that they had mixed me up with someone else resulting in me giving them a cursing for the first out of the two times i curse the drs while i was preggie with my son.... i find it very funny now but it could have been really bad at the time...

now as i have shared some of these events with you i will now say my daughter may be following in my footsteps...one day while at my dads house visiting he was picking on riveranne and called her a name, i said not thinking a thing about it, "you should slice his throat for that" as a figure of speach to let her know that he had called her a really bad name but she obviously took me very seriously because within a few second she walked over to my dad, while he wasnt paying attention to her, she was calm and just looking at him and all of a sudden she karate chopped him right in the throat, it was awful and by far one of the funniest things i had ever seen in my life, i couldnt stop laughing making my dad madder and madder...i couldnt help it but  now i try to watch how i say things to her and to let her know that she cant really do things like things like, but she is one that will let you know what she thinksw real quick and doesnt take anything off of anyone, even her friends her own age...riveranne and my friend jenns little girl emma are the same age and good friends, once while at their house emma had hit riveranne a couple time and before we knew it riveranne had picked emma up and body slammed her on the floor, me and jenn were completely shocked, its funny to think about now...gonna have to keep an eye on her and myself.....lol