wow where to even start it has been a while since i blogged... sooo ill start with the good things that have been going on. after years of lots of volunteer work at south green elem i applied and was hired for the preschool assistant position and it was nothing shy of a prayer answered because i was needing a job terribly and this one could be no more perfect for me and my family situation because not only does it give us extra income and make me actually feel as if i am helping out which is something i havent felt in a long time but i get to work at the school that my children attend, i get to be there with them and leave with them in the afternoons and i will be able to be out when they are out and in when they are in, which is exactly what i needed because i cant afford babysitting and i have major trust issues with sitters also. jason took a pay cut a while back and went to day so that he could have more time with the kids in the evenings which was a hard move but def the best move and we just found out this week that he will now be moving back to his old position and pay rate but will remain on day shift and still be able to see me and the kids...awesome awesome awesome.
I was finally able to confront my father in law with everything i have ever wanted to say to him after receiving some hateful text from him, i cant lie i went off the deep end a little bit but it needed to be done and i feel so much better now that i have been able to get it all off my chest. on another note i still have no type pf relationship with my sister or her daughter and i dont ever see that changing either, things have gone far beyond repair in my book and it is what it is and i am finally ok with that. i still love my "niece" payton.
Ok now on to why i think my eye has been twitching all damn week...i know too much... let me start this off with this, i must looks crazy, i must just walk into a place and people can just feel that i am crazy therefore that enables them to come to with all their crazy even when i dont even know them like that....soooo first off a guy friend came to me and told me he thinks he is gay but he doesnt want to be, i dont know what to say to that, then another guy came to me in a very oddly way and informed me that he was a cross dresser and i barely know this guy, i dont know what to say to that either. one of my friends is getting a divorce because her husband cheated, another is getting a divorce just because and there is another couple in my life that i truely believe should get a divorce, it must be something in the air. and then there is still that one friend that i never hear from unless she wants an alibi, and this week i finally decided to end a so called friendship because it was doing nothing but messing with my head in a very bad, possible life ruining way. not that much of this stuff is actually effecting me personally but its all in my head going around and around so yes im sure you can see that all this is probably the reason my freakin eye has been twitching for the last week...i sure hope that ends soon its driving me crazy.
Back on the lighter note, me and jason are doing much better, we are working hard on it, and all my true friendships like my sister heather, my chunky dunker, jodie, and my sweet terrie are fantabulous right now and i hope they stay that way. and i also registered for classes again starting in january after sitting this one out again...im excited to get back at it because im soooo close to finishing with a business degree but im nervous because they classes are getting harder and i have so much other stuff on my plate right now but it will all work out things always do because i have the good Lord on my side and i always will.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Sunday, August 11, 2013
temptations
the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me. i have found myself in realization about not exactly being happy in my relationship with my husband. its not something has just recently happened but something that i just recently realized i didnt think i could handle anymore. dont get me wrong i love my husband, he is a great man, he works hard for us and takes care of us when it comes to paying the bills and make sure we have food on the table. he just wasnt taking care of me. a couple weeks ago my husband sold a car he had, therefore he had a bit of extra money, things have been pretty tight around here lately when it comes to money so i had mentioned to him that i would need him to give me a bit for the several dr appointments i had coming up the next week and he went off on me, he had other plans for the money and was not willing to give me any for the dr appointments so i went and cancelled them all. i was so upset over his actions alot of stuff started flooded to me. i couldnt even rememeber the last time he had paid me a compliment or acted like he appreciated anything that i do. i also realized that we never spend anytime to together and there is no romance, or effection shown either and all these things had not bee recent events but ones that have been present the entirety of our marriage and i was distraught over it all. i was realizing i was not happy and in fact hadnt been happy in a very long time. i thought this over in my head for a few day before i ever mentioned it to him which resulted in a four hour very emotional conversation. both agreed things needed to change and change quick or we would be head towards a seperation and neither of us really wanted that to happen. and even though all of these issues have been there for years it sure didnt help me that i had an old friend from high school contact me of facebook who kept giving me compliments and was showing me attention that i had been missing for so long. it was nothing inapropriate or anything but just simple compliments on my eyes and smile and he told me how beautiful i was, and those were things i had not heard from anyone not even my own husband for years, it was flattering of course but i started to feel the temptations that could happen and that is why i decided to go ahead and bring all the problems to light with my husband. and see if this could be fixed or not. the convo between my hubby and me was about a week from out 10 year anniversary which was very emotional but when the day came, he made it amazing for me, something that truely shocked me and brought a big smile to my face. however now it is a waiting game to see if everyday life with us changes. its something i am very hopeful for because i do love this man with all my heart. i just need to know every now and again that he loves me too and wants to be with me too...so now i wait.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
taken over
i have been getting sick to my stomach for months now, no good reason at all. it will hit me all of a sudden, i will get sick and then i am fine, hungry even. i dont know what is causing it or how to stop it but all i know is it is ruining my life...i hate to throw up, im terrified of it actually...i call myself pukeaphobic but im sure there is a real term for it...i get all nervous and go into complete panic attack over me or someone else being sick at their stomach. this is why this has been very difficult for me, well other than also being sick and not knowing why and being sick enough that i have actually lost 40 lbs over it...i have gotten sick three days in a row now and today i find myself sitting here so very hungry and terrified to eat anything because im afraid i will get sick. it has taken over my life because i think of it constantly, every single time i feel hungry, and every single time i go to put something in my mouth, i find myself thinking nothing ever sounds good to eat because my train of thought is what would be the least worst to throw up. it is starting to interfere with my time with my kids and being able to do things with them without having to worry about it and it is putting a strain on my relationship with my husband also because he is tired of hearing me get sick all the time. i really cant help it, and i have prayed and prayed about it every day and every night and still nothing has changed....i dont know what i am suppose to do or how to fix it so as of right now im just dealing, or actually im not!!!!!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
government controls
the government controls everything...when are some people going to understand this...im not saying that i agree or disagree with the outcome of the trayvon and zimmermen case because truely i have not watched it or kept up with all the details to give my true opinion but either way guys, this is not the first time a child has been murdered, and this is not the first time that someone who committed murder has walked free. Thousands of men, women, and children, are murdered every single day in this horrible world that we live in. 99% of them we will never even know about, why because the government chooses which ones to make public due to which ones they think will cause the most attention and contraversy (sp). whether you want to believe this or not this one was chosen for the simple fact that racism matters could apply and they knew people would run with that and make a big deal of out of it. if you know me you know i am the last person that would ever be thought of as racist, but its the truth because the government like to cause drama, its full of it, they like to try and play us against each other, what will get the most attention and most rating when broad casted on tv. its sad really and i am not say dont show support to which ever side of the case you support but educate yourself by research and find out how many horrible horrible things happen in this world that we never even knew anything about...its all government controlled.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
back with a vengeance
It has been way to long since i have sit down and just started writing all that was on my mind. i let a couple of people that couldnt handle the things i was writing effect me and stop me from doing so but that changes today. when i sit down at this computer and just write whatever is on my mind, it helps me, its like talking it all over with someone, getting it off my chest and it helps me from holding it all in( like i tend to do ) and then blowing up later. This is why i have decided to start this blog back up, it will prob not all be nice but the way i see it is, if you dont like what i have to say then you dont have to read it, this is my blog, and i can write and say whatever i want whenever i want and thats exactly what im fixing to do with hopes in not to overwhelm everyone.....lol
man where to begin, i have had so many things happen. first off i have been having some bad health issues that i am still trying to figure out, nerves been all out of whack and after the fourth different med i think i might actually have the one thats gonna help but its still a waiting game. i have also been having some major stomach issues resulting it me vomiting a few times a week, first i thought it was my nerves but now im not so sure, if you know me you know that i am pukeaphobic therefore i will do anything in my power not to get sick to my stomach and nothing has been working, its a day to day struggle where i have changed my eating habits drastically and lost 40 lbs, i worry every single time i put something in my mouth whether or not it will end up making me sick. im not sure what is causing it and i dont know how to stop it so like i said its a day to day struggle that i am trying to deal with.
Jason decided a few months ago that his position at his job was not worth all the time he was missing with the kids so he decided to step down, take a huge pay cut, and finally after 6 years there he went to day shift, it has been a huge adjustment for all of us, the plus side, we get to see jason a whole lot more and he has a lot more day off now, the down side, the pay cut of course that is making "living" a bit more difficult especially since i have not finished school yet and i do not have a job. we are working with what we have and we always make ends meet but its not easy. since school has been out we have been doing our usual routine of hitting the pool up as much as possible getting our swim and tan on and riveranne has just made me so proud this summer, she can swim a whole lot better this summer and just jumps in and does her thing and has sooo much fun and i love it, ryder does too but of course with his lifejacket on!!!! i will say this summer seems to be going by so fast for some reason though and that i am not ready for because i am not ready for school to start back for the kids or for me and the early bedtimes and early mornings, shew wee...the good thing for me is i was able to apply for graduation already and if everything goes as planned i will be graduating in dec 2014 with a business management degree so thats a plus because thats only 3 semesters away.
I have been having issues with one of my sisters for a long time now and i wont go into all of it but i will say that i have been able to accept the outcome, and deal with being "banned" from their lives alot better than i thought i would. its funny how easy it has been for me, normally i dont even give it thought until they play little games with me and then well you know me, it can get ugly, but then im right back to living my life without them, and you know what its ok with me! i have everything i need when it comes to family and friends, im blessed even though its not always peachy. no one needs people in their lives that think they are better, or think that you arent good enough, there comes a time when you just need to realize its not worth the trouble family or not, and just move on...and i think im doing that pretty well.
well i think this is enough chatter for one blog but i will be back...i promise and it will not be long either...lol it feels good to and im not giving it up anymore because some people cant handle it.
man where to begin, i have had so many things happen. first off i have been having some bad health issues that i am still trying to figure out, nerves been all out of whack and after the fourth different med i think i might actually have the one thats gonna help but its still a waiting game. i have also been having some major stomach issues resulting it me vomiting a few times a week, first i thought it was my nerves but now im not so sure, if you know me you know that i am pukeaphobic therefore i will do anything in my power not to get sick to my stomach and nothing has been working, its a day to day struggle where i have changed my eating habits drastically and lost 40 lbs, i worry every single time i put something in my mouth whether or not it will end up making me sick. im not sure what is causing it and i dont know how to stop it so like i said its a day to day struggle that i am trying to deal with.
Jason decided a few months ago that his position at his job was not worth all the time he was missing with the kids so he decided to step down, take a huge pay cut, and finally after 6 years there he went to day shift, it has been a huge adjustment for all of us, the plus side, we get to see jason a whole lot more and he has a lot more day off now, the down side, the pay cut of course that is making "living" a bit more difficult especially since i have not finished school yet and i do not have a job. we are working with what we have and we always make ends meet but its not easy. since school has been out we have been doing our usual routine of hitting the pool up as much as possible getting our swim and tan on and riveranne has just made me so proud this summer, she can swim a whole lot better this summer and just jumps in and does her thing and has sooo much fun and i love it, ryder does too but of course with his lifejacket on!!!! i will say this summer seems to be going by so fast for some reason though and that i am not ready for because i am not ready for school to start back for the kids or for me and the early bedtimes and early mornings, shew wee...the good thing for me is i was able to apply for graduation already and if everything goes as planned i will be graduating in dec 2014 with a business management degree so thats a plus because thats only 3 semesters away.
I have been having issues with one of my sisters for a long time now and i wont go into all of it but i will say that i have been able to accept the outcome, and deal with being "banned" from their lives alot better than i thought i would. its funny how easy it has been for me, normally i dont even give it thought until they play little games with me and then well you know me, it can get ugly, but then im right back to living my life without them, and you know what its ok with me! i have everything i need when it comes to family and friends, im blessed even though its not always peachy. no one needs people in their lives that think they are better, or think that you arent good enough, there comes a time when you just need to realize its not worth the trouble family or not, and just move on...and i think im doing that pretty well.
well i think this is enough chatter for one blog but i will be back...i promise and it will not be long either...lol it feels good to and im not giving it up anymore because some people cant handle it.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
this is gonna be a doozie
We are only 4 months into this new year of 2013 and i can honestly say it has been nothing shy of a year from hell so far. i cant even remember a time when so many bad things have happened or been going on that i have had to deal with. And might i add i have not been dealing very well with it all resulting in many trips to the dr and many different medication changes to help me get my mind right and stay half way sane. one way for me to cope has always been to talk it out or write my feelings out so here goes on my rant as you will....
First off after year of my baby girl having vomiting spells and no one knowing what was causing them she had an appendix attack on January 9th and had to have surgery to remove it on January 10th, it was by the most horrible things i have ever gone through when it comes to my babies. It killed me having to see her go through that at only 7 years old even though she was a trooper and did extremely well. I was terrified. she was in the hospital for 2 whole days before being able to come home and those were two whole days of me sitting there with (i would have had it any other way) without sleep. it came to a point where i thought i was literally having a breakdown over it. my mom was a big help during the whole thing, and my sister heather also as much as she could be due her schedule and being sick at the time but the one person that was suppose to be there for his daughter and his wife was not...at least not in the way i feel like he should have been. i actually felt alone during that time, having to do everything by myself, he kept our son occupied the majority of the time but i had to fuss at him before he would even call into work when his daughter was having surgery. He went home every single night got full nights of sleep, took his time getting back out the hospital each day and when it was surgery time, he left with his mother to grab lunch and i went back and sat in the operating waiting room ALL BY MYSELF. it was all in all just a horrible situation for riveranne and for me. but the Good Lord was listened to my many prayers and was with my baby girl and everything turned out good and she healed quickly and without any complications and for that i am truly thankful!
Second is something that was little but so ridiculous. i had someone play a prank on me about making a phone call that said i had fail to appear for jury duty. it was a prank, a joke, and one that i found to be hilarious. so what did i do i played it on several different people i know and all but one of them thought it was hilarious also...however when i called and played it on my mother in law, shit hit the fan. instead of being the adult that she clearly is and calling the number herself to find out that it was a prank she called her husband at work and made him do it and HE called me screaming and yelling and cursing me over it. soooo i simply hung up the phone on him and have not spoke to them since. i mean it was a joke not a dick dont take it so hard. i dont know if they are still irritated about it or what but they have not called or anything and its very odd because they were seeing my kids or having my kids at their house at least every other weekend but oh well, i have no intentions of speaking to either of them until there is an apology to me for the way he went off on me, because if i had known that they were having for real legal trouble i would have never done it but i will NOT apologize for what i did.
Third is my dad, he is clinically depressed and has always been a hypocondriac and an attention seeker my entire life but he played those games and pulled his last stunt with me a little over a month ago. he kicked my step mom out and was threatening to kill himself like he has a million times before but this time i had had enough and went to his house with intentions of beating his ass. i screamed yelled cursed and acted a fool in there i couldnt take it anymore, i wont take it anymore. i had all intentions of having him committed somewhere but he refused...however he is suppose to be getting in to speak with a shrink soon and it better happen or i will be done that was the deal. it has come the fact that i need a crazy pill just to be able to deal with him.
Fourth is my mom, she has turned into a hot damn mess when it comes to trying to date, my stupid sister put her on an online dating site and she cant make it without it now, always on there talking to all kinds of men and has even met several of them. i cant get in her head that she is not going to find the kind of guy and relationship she wants from there but she wont listen to me. she wont even make plans with any of us girls or the grandkids anymore because she is afraid she might miss out on some random man wanting to talk to her or meet up with her. its kinda freaky i think and def dangerous but she thinks she is fine because she is packing...tired of messing with her too
Fifth and the biggest problem not only in my life right now but for my whole family is my sister amy and her husband aaron. i know your shocked...lol but it def has not gotten any better but in my opinion has only gotten worse. i feel that i have now burnt the bridge between us because back between thanksgiving and christmas aaron decided to give me a call, a call that was suppose to get everything on the table so we could start mending things but instead resulted in him screaming yelling cursing, and telling me how horrible of a person i am and how they dont like me and dont want their daughter exposed to me, and as he was getting everything off his chest i was not allowed to speak at all so i feel that it was an attack and i have decided to end it all right then and there, i do not speak to them all and i def dont see then or my niece at all. they think we are ok, that with time things will get better me on the other hand, i think they are crazy if they think that things are ok, for one if either of them ever knew me at all they would know that i dont let people speak to me and then go on like everything is ok. for two they want me to change my entire being but they dont want to budge on anything because they dont think they do anything wrong when they have done all my family horrible wrong. well now my sister amy has felt it necessary to write my dad, who is already mentally unstable, a letter that pretty much told him he was a horrible person and the worst father and that he ruined her life and scared her in way she will never be able to overcome. so the shit goes on and on and will never get better especially for me because i am not willing to bow down to them and do everything they want done the way they want it done, ive never been that kind of person and im not gonna start now just because its my sister, i would much rather just not have any type of relationship with them at all so thats the path i have taken, im sure shit will hit the fan at some point over it but im prepared and it will def not be a one sided attack like it was last time trust that. they were at out family easter gathering with my moms side of the family and i did perfectly fine pretending they were not even there and the comment was made that my sister was shocked over it so im ready for a blow up, i know its coming.
And finally yet another very small ridiculous issue i have been having to deal with is my besties old friends, i got involved in something i probably shouldnt have but damn it was all i was hearing about when talking to her so i spoke my opinion with her friend and it was a big blow up i was actually trying to help the situtation but thats not what happened. I love my bestie she is the best friend i have ever had so i had to take up for her ya know....other than dealing with these petty issues and dealing with major panic attacks lately nd trying to find the right kind of medicine to help everything else is going great. jason has decided that after 6 years at akebono and always being on second or third shift he has now decided that he is going to step down from his position on second shift and he is going to days for the first time, its something we have all wanted for so long so im am completely supportive about it all but he is going to be loosing quite a bit of pay so im trippin about that a little bit but if all else fails i will quit school and get a job, gotta do whatcha gotta do and im willing to whatever i need to for my family. and another thing is we are looking for a new house to buy and we think he might have already found one, pretty exciting!
First off after year of my baby girl having vomiting spells and no one knowing what was causing them she had an appendix attack on January 9th and had to have surgery to remove it on January 10th, it was by the most horrible things i have ever gone through when it comes to my babies. It killed me having to see her go through that at only 7 years old even though she was a trooper and did extremely well. I was terrified. she was in the hospital for 2 whole days before being able to come home and those were two whole days of me sitting there with (i would have had it any other way) without sleep. it came to a point where i thought i was literally having a breakdown over it. my mom was a big help during the whole thing, and my sister heather also as much as she could be due her schedule and being sick at the time but the one person that was suppose to be there for his daughter and his wife was not...at least not in the way i feel like he should have been. i actually felt alone during that time, having to do everything by myself, he kept our son occupied the majority of the time but i had to fuss at him before he would even call into work when his daughter was having surgery. He went home every single night got full nights of sleep, took his time getting back out the hospital each day and when it was surgery time, he left with his mother to grab lunch and i went back and sat in the operating waiting room ALL BY MYSELF. it was all in all just a horrible situation for riveranne and for me. but the Good Lord was listened to my many prayers and was with my baby girl and everything turned out good and she healed quickly and without any complications and for that i am truly thankful!
Second is something that was little but so ridiculous. i had someone play a prank on me about making a phone call that said i had fail to appear for jury duty. it was a prank, a joke, and one that i found to be hilarious. so what did i do i played it on several different people i know and all but one of them thought it was hilarious also...however when i called and played it on my mother in law, shit hit the fan. instead of being the adult that she clearly is and calling the number herself to find out that it was a prank she called her husband at work and made him do it and HE called me screaming and yelling and cursing me over it. soooo i simply hung up the phone on him and have not spoke to them since. i mean it was a joke not a dick dont take it so hard. i dont know if they are still irritated about it or what but they have not called or anything and its very odd because they were seeing my kids or having my kids at their house at least every other weekend but oh well, i have no intentions of speaking to either of them until there is an apology to me for the way he went off on me, because if i had known that they were having for real legal trouble i would have never done it but i will NOT apologize for what i did.
Third is my dad, he is clinically depressed and has always been a hypocondriac and an attention seeker my entire life but he played those games and pulled his last stunt with me a little over a month ago. he kicked my step mom out and was threatening to kill himself like he has a million times before but this time i had had enough and went to his house with intentions of beating his ass. i screamed yelled cursed and acted a fool in there i couldnt take it anymore, i wont take it anymore. i had all intentions of having him committed somewhere but he refused...however he is suppose to be getting in to speak with a shrink soon and it better happen or i will be done that was the deal. it has come the fact that i need a crazy pill just to be able to deal with him.
Fourth is my mom, she has turned into a hot damn mess when it comes to trying to date, my stupid sister put her on an online dating site and she cant make it without it now, always on there talking to all kinds of men and has even met several of them. i cant get in her head that she is not going to find the kind of guy and relationship she wants from there but she wont listen to me. she wont even make plans with any of us girls or the grandkids anymore because she is afraid she might miss out on some random man wanting to talk to her or meet up with her. its kinda freaky i think and def dangerous but she thinks she is fine because she is packing...tired of messing with her too
Fifth and the biggest problem not only in my life right now but for my whole family is my sister amy and her husband aaron. i know your shocked...lol but it def has not gotten any better but in my opinion has only gotten worse. i feel that i have now burnt the bridge between us because back between thanksgiving and christmas aaron decided to give me a call, a call that was suppose to get everything on the table so we could start mending things but instead resulted in him screaming yelling cursing, and telling me how horrible of a person i am and how they dont like me and dont want their daughter exposed to me, and as he was getting everything off his chest i was not allowed to speak at all so i feel that it was an attack and i have decided to end it all right then and there, i do not speak to them all and i def dont see then or my niece at all. they think we are ok, that with time things will get better me on the other hand, i think they are crazy if they think that things are ok, for one if either of them ever knew me at all they would know that i dont let people speak to me and then go on like everything is ok. for two they want me to change my entire being but they dont want to budge on anything because they dont think they do anything wrong when they have done all my family horrible wrong. well now my sister amy has felt it necessary to write my dad, who is already mentally unstable, a letter that pretty much told him he was a horrible person and the worst father and that he ruined her life and scared her in way she will never be able to overcome. so the shit goes on and on and will never get better especially for me because i am not willing to bow down to them and do everything they want done the way they want it done, ive never been that kind of person and im not gonna start now just because its my sister, i would much rather just not have any type of relationship with them at all so thats the path i have taken, im sure shit will hit the fan at some point over it but im prepared and it will def not be a one sided attack like it was last time trust that. they were at out family easter gathering with my moms side of the family and i did perfectly fine pretending they were not even there and the comment was made that my sister was shocked over it so im ready for a blow up, i know its coming.
And finally yet another very small ridiculous issue i have been having to deal with is my besties old friends, i got involved in something i probably shouldnt have but damn it was all i was hearing about when talking to her so i spoke my opinion with her friend and it was a big blow up i was actually trying to help the situtation but thats not what happened. I love my bestie she is the best friend i have ever had so i had to take up for her ya know....other than dealing with these petty issues and dealing with major panic attacks lately nd trying to find the right kind of medicine to help everything else is going great. jason has decided that after 6 years at akebono and always being on second or third shift he has now decided that he is going to step down from his position on second shift and he is going to days for the first time, its something we have all wanted for so long so im am completely supportive about it all but he is going to be loosing quite a bit of pay so im trippin about that a little bit but if all else fails i will quit school and get a job, gotta do whatcha gotta do and im willing to whatever i need to for my family. and another thing is we are looking for a new house to buy and we think he might have already found one, pretty exciting!