users and abusers

boy have i dealt with people like this all my life. its ridiculous how many actually. i have learned that has cold hearted and mean i can be if someone needs help, of any kind, i try my best to be there. deep down i try to be everyones hero, try to make everything right and everyone happy. its been a blessing and one of my biggest flaws at the same time. flaw meaning i have allowed people to use me for when they need something or someone far to many times. i actually had a 10 yr friendship that was soley based on me always being there for when she needed me and always coming to her rescue. its sad at time from my side of those kind of relationships because as much as i give i have never had those people be willing to do the same for me if i ever did need it. i have always given more than i ever received. so i realized that one certain friendship was only that me always being there and giving and giving and getting nothing in return, not even true friendship so about 5 years ago i let that friendship go, i removed myself from the situation. and what happens, still even after we are no long friends, no long talk, or hang out, who does she call when something horrible is going on and she needs someone, ME. and stupid me, who goes running yet again to the rescue, ME. and what does she do like every other time before, leave me hanging, no responses after i drop everything for her, no update on the horrible situation in which i helped the best i could and no word from her since. well you know i try to do my best by most people but this with her will never happen again, im tired of being used all the time because the people she puts her time into will never be the ones that come to her rescue and help her when she needs it but i have and she has always treated me like dog shit on her shoes, so it will never happen again, mark my word. my good heart and willingness to help is no longer available to her im done for good this time. but she is far from the only one in my life that has put me in this position. my sister my very best friend has done me this way as well. from the day that my nephew was born i told her i would watch him for free to get them to move back to our hometown. i wanted him in my life as much as possible and luckily he has been he is like my very own, however i have made myself available to watch him for free whenever they may need or want a sitter and for the most part that has never been a problem and i have loved every single minute of it. i have never in his 6 years of life told them no when they asked me to have him for them, which is often. the problem is they always know im here to have him and will never say no because i love him that much. but now that i have 5 children of my own, 2 biological and 3 foster kids, the favors are never recipricated to me. i have asked for a break rarely, times when my husband and i would like to go to dinner alone, for one hour, asking my sister to sit at my house with my kids after i have fed them and bathed them and she always say NO. even when i do everything and she would have to do nothing she still says no. its so frustrating at times. i have her child all the time i feed him and her at least 3 times a week, i provide everything for him while he is with me, i have him so they can work and so they can have fun and she cant even watch my kids for one hour at my house with everything done for her except for her to watch them and make sure they do not burn the house down or kill one another. ridiculous and like i said before i really hate being used but i have a feeling i have done this to myself by making it too easy for her to know that i will have him all the time, i have created a monster and it has nothing to do with me having him because i would every single day i love having him but i would love the same treatment every once in a while ya know. my dad takes advantage of me because i have always made myself available to him and so do many other people, many who are not to do the same things for me if i were to need them...its sad sometimes. guess im just gonna have to change the way i do things and stop making myself so available to others and what they need and want and start only worrying about me and my family.

still on my mind

it has been nearly two years since i first reconnected with a guy friend from high school that i had feelings for but was already dating and in love with my husband. the two weeks of talking with him made me very happy, was very exciting and made me rethink alot of things and almost caused me to make some very big mistakes. it was he that cut it all off and i have been somewhat desperate to get him back into my life no matter how or where ever he would fit. i still to this day can not get him off my mind, i think about him daily, i dream about him weekly and i dont know why or how to stop it. i do believe that i still have some feelings for him but im not sure as to what those feelings really are. most days i think it is just the waht if of the situation, the fact that i have never been with anyone other than my husband my entire life, the fact that i at one time had some feelings for this other man and they were never resolved. all these things i am still trying to figure out and hopefully one day i will not be mentally crazy over all this and HIM.

foster care forever love

we have been foster parents for 7 months now, we have had some very trying times with it, kids we couldnt give them what they needed, and sweet baby that we fell in love with and he returned home, which was the plan but still ripped our hearts out. But now we have our 8th 9th and 10th children and i can not even describe the love we have for these kids. this has taken our house from 2 kids to 5 and i love every single minute of it, they are amazing kids, and our kids love them and they all get along so well, i couldnt ask for anything better. i know the goal is to always get these kids back home with their parents but i cant help but to wish to be able to adopt them and make them my kids forever. our 4th foster child was my baby, he came in calling me mama, stole my heart and then was ripped from me so quickly i didnt think i would recover. after 4 months of him being gone from our home i ran into his parent at the store and was told that he has now returned home and is doing so well, also that they may need a sitter and of course i volunteered so my baby is back. i cried tears of joy. i have loved and still love all 10 of the children that have been through my home so far. that will never change. even the difficult ones still your heart with their need for love and being taken care of. this is something i was called to do and i thanks God every day for his many blessing upon my family with this wonderful experience.