another day in the life of tabatha

so even with all the awesome changes going on in my life, it still seems that things are being thrown at me hard. i have been running and running with out time to even think. im either working, at school, taking care of the kids, packing, painting, moving, unpacking, studying or something and i literally feel like i am in a fog right now, i cant even get my mind to work right it seems these days and i am feeling like different things in my life are suffering because of it in some ways...i feel like i am not doing as well in school as i would like and i feel like i have been in a horrible mood way too often when it comes to my babies as well. and even though i love all these things going on and i am thankful for them all i ifnd myself feeling down at the same time because i am way to busy and i cant even enjoy it all. and then to top it off today was just a horrible day, i over slept and didnt get riveranne to school on time, i dont feel good about the huge test i had today, today has been two years since my step sisters husband got killed in a car accident and then my dads sister passed away today. it has been a very very  depressing day for me, so this afternon i layed on the cough and completely fell out, i mean i couldnt even make myself get up for like 3 hours, i guess i really needed it. and yet i still feel exhausted. hopefully things will equal themselves out for me here real soon and i can be more relaxed and be able to enjoy all these wonderful changes that are going on in my life...

big changes

       I cant believe how fast this year has gone by, seems like last time i blinked it was january and now here we are rolling right up on christmas, one of my favorite times of the year. as i look back at this year that has flown by, i just now realized that i have had some of the biggest changes happen to me and my family this year and all of them for the better.
       First major change was i got my first job in 7 years a few months back. and i cant even express how perfect it is for me and how thankful i am for it. awesome hours and good pay too. extra money is always a good thing. sometimes i do feel a little overwhelmed but nonetheless very happy and thankful for everything i have going on in my life.
      Just a little over a month ago jason and i decided we wanted to move. and within less than one month of looking we stumbled apon an awesome house that we love. so now i am in the sorting and packing mode. its very exciting, its a much bigger house than what we have now, in a good neighborhood. the kids are so excited to be moving, they have lived in this house all their lives and jason and i have been here for 8 years, it was our first home together and even though we are gonna miss it and our awesome neighbors that have been nothing but good to us, its time and the perfect move in the right direction for this moment in our lives. its bitter sweet really!
       Dont get me wrong there has defiantly been some bumps in the road this year for me but i have put on the brakes and slowly moved on over them. Made the best decission for this year when i decided to rmove myself for a trainwreck friendship i had been in for year and i can honestly say i had such a feeling of relief from it. So much drama gone. and i over all have been such a better person because of it. Im happier than i have been in along long time and i never even realized how much that one person had brought me down for all those years. you cant have a relationship with someone thats life is so horrible that they feel they have to make everyone elses lives bad just to get some joy in their little world...its sad...but i realized who my real friends were the whole time and i am sooooo much more thankful for the good ones now that i have had a bad one, funny how that works out huh!!!
       2012 is gonna be the best year yet i can feel it already, why because im gonna make it awesome, cause i have my wonderful kids, awesome husband, a job, school, and a new awesome roof over our heads, the best disfunction family around and an awesome group of close friends that i know will always be there for me as i am for them, what more could a girl ask for...yay for this journey...im ready!!!

chauking it up

      I know im not the only person in the world that likes to feel wanted, loved, and appreciated, everyone in the world longs for that in each relationship they have with someone. i have always wanted to feel that way from the people in my life and i have always been disapointed, by everyone! i have now determined i have set the bar for these things way too high!!! maybe i have set it so high that the people in my life just simply cant reach my expectations.
      I have been disapointed more times than not in last several months when it comes to things in my life. I have been disapointed in my family and friends and in myself. All i have ever wanted was to be appreciated for the things i do, i want my husband to appreciate me for all that i do for him and the kids around the house, for being able to do all those things while going to school and working parttime also...i want him to want and to show me he loves me which i feel like never happens, it seems like after 12 years of being together the only time he show me any attention is when he wants some and then everything he does and says is vulgar and thats it. I want my family to appreciate all i do for them and to respect my feelings and stuff. I want to be able to say that i have a best friends and really feel it to be true, i want feel like im someones best friend also, i want to have them miss me when i havent seen them or talked to them in a while, and i want them to treasure me like i treasure them. and even though i have a wonderful husband and two perfect children, and awesome family and a few good friends i still feel like these things are missing in my life. i often find myself feeling leftout, not wanted, and taken advantage of. I am chalking this up to nothing more than jealousy!!! and i mean ME jealous because i see the people i want these things from so badly giving these things to other people and i feel like im not! for example: there was this one girl that i totally considered my very best friend in the world and i would see how she was let her friends out of town know how much she missed them and couldnt wait to see them, i get it they dont live near each other so she probably did miss them and couldnt wait to see them and hang out but just because her and i lived closer to each other, we still didnt see each other or even talk that much and she never not even once ever thought those things about me when i missed her terribly and the friendship we once had of being together all the time and knowing everything about each other! now example 2: another friends of mine i have been friends with nearly my whole life, her and i are very close and i would also consider her one of my very best friends, we have been hanging out a whol lot in the past few months, doing all kinds of things together, and even letting our kids play together, it was awesome... but the last weeks i completely feel like i have been tossed over in the ditch because she has becomes friends with someone else and they are together every single day...im not included. i like this other girl just fine, she seems just fine i guess im just jealous because i had been able to hang out with my friends alot and now that has ended, plus my friends has been letting the other girl know how much she loves her, and appreciated her friendship, and how much fun she has with her all the time and she never ever told me any of those things. i also recall my friends saying that she was so happy for her and that other girls girl time together because that had been missing in her life for a very long time, like what am i chopped lver or soemthing, i guess all those days and nights i spent hanging out with her were nothing. me, i would consider it fun girl time so when i saw her writing that to the other girl my feelings were totally hurt.  and now once again ignored phone calls and texts and not doing things with me but then doing things with the other girl has gotten me in a not sooo good place, of wondering and questioning just like my last good friend did, all because im jealous i guess. all i know is i dont like it!!! and im not sure what i need to do not to be this way and feel this way all the time...i could use some words of advise