i freakin mean really

im gonna be nothing but a fucking bitch in the blog, if you ever had a question about the way i feel about you or other things well it will be a question no longer after this blog. i will start with my brother in law whom is nothing but a control freak, asshole, arrogant, know it all. He has done nothing but controlled my sister the entire time they have been together, its his way or no way and she is not allowed to do anything or go anywhere or have any one over unless she asks his permission. My sister has gone from a half way independent person to being completely dependent on her husband because he pays all the bills and she has been spoiled to the kind of lifestyle he has given her. She is able to live in a brand new home that he had built and he pays for and his name is the only one on it even though they are married, she drives a brand new vehicle which is the only thing she has to pay for, they take 2 or more vacations a year that is paid for by his parents who also pays some of his other bills. they are both complete spoiled brats and because of these things they think they are better than everyone else especial my side of the family because we can do all those things. His family is gold, literally, to them because they are better off financially. my sister is she was not with him wouldnt have a pot to piss in and she know this which is why i think she is perfectly fine with him running everything and her whole life because she is afraid of loosing all these things she has become used too. things got worse when they got married because then he had papers on her and he felt that he had even more reason to control everything. but when they had their daughter shit really hit the fan, his family has been treated obviously better than any of hers when it comes to having a relationship with their daughter (my niece) because they can give her better things not the fact that they can love her anymore because they cant.
so now i am fighting with them because i voiced that i thought alot of things were a bunch of bullshit and they cant handle the fact that im not going to just sit back and let them treat us all like shit, so since we are fighting i have been told that i can see or hold my niece that he doesnt want me to, but he thinks he can play with my kids and stuff, you have done made that shit up. aint gonna happen. but since he said it its the way it is, my sister will not stand up to him for nothing not her daughter, not her friends, not her family, not even herself, he has completely ruined her self esteem, he makes her feel like she cant even take care of her own daughter good enough that he is the only one that can therefore she wont leave the house unless he can drive her and their daughter and she can sit in the backseat with her...pathetic i tell you, she wont even bath her herself or anything, its fucking ridiculous, i am so beyond pissed that i could literally kill him over it. he is such an asshole son of bitch i cant fucking stand him, and i hope he comes and says something to me because he will want to commit suicide before im done with him, he even just made the comment that my mama whines to much about not getting to see her own granddaughter and he doesnt want her invited over anymore and my mother has done nothign but tried to help them and see them and did everything the way they wanted it and has been on their side and they still are treating her like plum dog shit....i swear im venting here for now but i really dont know how much longer im going to be able to go without saying something to them bitches...its taking everything i have not to fucking blow up on them.

ok now onto the same bitch that has been causing me trouble for the last 10 years, i dont know what more she needs to hear, i told her i was done with her, i didnt want to fool with her shit anymore, we were not friends grow up and move on and yet after not speaking for months and not seeing each other in over a year she still flatters herself with thinking that everything i say and do is towards her, honey get over yourself you are not worth a second of my time, sorry you cant be on my level i cant help that, i cant help that you have no life, no true friends, your family cant stand you, and you dont have a pot to piss in...get over it already damn.....so what did she do started running her dick sucker once again about me when she is so fucking stupid, she doesnt even know anything about me.


and then to beat it fucking all my fucker of a father in law must have had a fucking stroke because he thought he would call up at my husbands shop looking for him the other day after being told more than one that we dont want anything to do with at all anymore...dont call, dont come by for sure, nothing at all....but he is such a dumbfuck that he keeps on and on and then when my husband still wont talk to him he cries to his friend and then his friend calls and of course thats when i stepped in and handled it, i fucking mean really im fixing to  move my family away from all of these bitches here in glasgow damn.

babies???

          My husband and i have been blessed with the perfect little family one daughter and one son...i was more than willing to try again for a third child but after our son was born my husband decided he did not want anymore kids, not wanting to be the kind of wife that would push my husband into having another child if he didnt want to i went with him to his consultation to have a vasectomy and i sign along with him to have it done. when our son was 11 months old my husband had his vasectomy. i cant lie that i was somewhat saddened over it all because i have only wanted to be a mother my entire life, my husband and i have the more gorgeous kids and i just wasnt completely ready to end the chances of us ever having anymore but it was done.
          Now over three years later, our daughter is now 7 and our son is now 4 and i have been itching for another baby for a while now knowing there is nothing i can do about. With my husband having a vasectomy and with his two checks to make sure it was successful we have not used any protection and now here i am, LATE!!! I have never been late except for the two time when i found out i was pregnant. but not only am i late on my period but i have been having other things happen that only happened to me when i was pregnant, i have been gagging off and on when i smoke a cig, i am having weakness in my left wrist, i had a random puking spell with no nausiousness and i have had a yeast infection all of things have never happened to me ever in my life except for when i was pregnant with my two children. i really dont know wht to think about it all, im trying really hard not to get my hiopes up or excited because i am more than likely not pregnant but its still very odd to me. I mentioned it to my husband and he got every upset. letting me know that the reason he got a vasectomy was because he didnt want anymore children, he made the comment even though im sure he wasnt serious about it being someone elses child. it hurt my feelings that he took me mentioneding it to him about all these things made him so very mad and upset. when i would be overjoyed about the though of us having another child unplanned and it being a surprise. now i am terrified about even taking a test afraid that if for some miracle that i am pregnant again after him having a vasectomy that he would be so upset and mad about it that it would ruin our marriage...im not sure what to do or where to go from here, i know soon or later if i am it will be known maybe i should just wait it out.

holiday season

i just love this time of year. it all starts with halloween which has been one of my favorite holidays eveery since i can remember, i love scary movies, haunted houses, dressing up and trick or treating and the kids and i really have a blast each year doing all that we can fit in our schedules. i just love it. then comes thanksgiving and since im an eater and i love good food its an awesome time also, i love being able to get together with all my family and enjoy awesome food and conversation. and then comes the best of all christmas. i love christmas and even though i know its not about the gifts and is about the birth of Jesus christ, i still love nothing more than to buy the people i love gifts that i know they will love. i enjoy watching them open presents...the excitement on my childrens faces come christmas morning is something that i look forward to all year long. it brings joy into my heart. having these times and holidays where all family can come together and enjoy time with each other is very important and very special to me...i just sure wish my grandparents were still here to be with us also during these times.

ima bestfriend bitch kinda girl

you know this is going to be a big venting session because i have alot of things on my mind lately and if i dont get them off in some way im gonna snap on someone and it is not going to be pretty...AT ALL!!! i think of myself as a laid back kinda girl, i love to have fun, i have a large and wild sense of humor and i am very forward, and unfiltered that usually makes people like me, think im hilarious, and also a bit crazy, i dont mind one bit, its just the way i am, i say what i think whether other peoplee think i should or not, i dont care what people think of me. i say what i think, i do what i want, im open, and ready to have a good time at all times. i can be your best friend and when i feel strongly for someone i will do anything i can for them. but im def not a person that should be crossed. i dont do well with people stepping to me especially when its over something really stupid. and i dont do well with people thinking they are better than me and trying to screw me over either. i dont feel like my thoughts and feelings should be held back in attempt not to offend someone else and im def not someone that will deal with a bunch of bullshit, or take shit off of anyone therefore, not only do i have tons of friends but i also have tons of enemies. i have always been this way, its not like its something new so dont act surprised or offended by me now!!! if i dont like something you will def know about it sorry if you cant handle the truth. so on to my point with it all. i always end up being the bad guy in any situation, why? because im the one that will SAY what everyone else in the room is THINKING. i will take the heat i dont mind because i can handle it. but with that statement know that i am usually just that the one willing to speak it but everyone feels the same way i do.
ok once i am crossed i tend to hold on to that, which should also be no surprise to anyone that has known me. example: once i know that you have said you dont want your child subjected to my vulgar mouth, my none filtering, my childrens mouths, you dont like the way i raise my children or the way i handle them, you think my children are rowdy and out of control  and that they are covered in some kind of contagious disease they are going to spread around, we havent been invited to your house in over a freakin year, dont be texting me and calling me now inviting me over. thats just dumb, after knowing you said and thought all those things about me and my children why in the world would i be stupid enough to come to your house with them.
i get it iam sarcastic nearly all of the time, i tend to make jokes and poke fun all the time and this is something i have always done therefore why get your panties in a bunch now over it especially after i told you it was a joke yet you still run your mouth about it, its cool though, someone people cant handle me, and dont have the kinda sense of humor it takes to deal with me what i find funny is that it took all these year before you decided you couldnt handle it anymore. im not stupid i get it, i know excatly whats going on and why. see my true colors have always been on display yours however are just now coming out. and they arent cute colors either. someone people are willing to deal with it and put up with it but me doll, im am not one of them. if you want to know exactly what i think ask me, you know ill tell you, its nothing for me to eliminate one more person. what i dont think you understand is how easy it is for me not to care. its actually a flaw of mine. i can careless in the matter of seconds and once that happens there is no going back, learned that quick this summer when i thought i could go back to putting up with someones shit when in all truth, i could have cared less for her and anything going on with her...it was just a joke to think it would be any different.
finally getting this off my chest helps some but doesnt disolve the pissed offness i have in me with all the bullshit that has been going on lately. ive just realized that nothing is going to change, so im just gonna live my life the way i always have. i can be your best friend but i can be one hell of bitch as well. holding this all in was causing me to want to blow up and it would have been bad. so read this vent session and take it however you want, print it out, take notes. but dont come at me with them this time, keep it to yourself cause we have tried the talking crap and it never does any good so no need in wasting any more breath on it...it is what it is. but i hope you know its not you and its def not me thats gonna be hurting from it all!
now after not seeing my sorry ass father in law for over a year now, and my hubby finally decided he wasnt going to fool with him anymmore either, i was sooo excited to finally have that trouble maker out of our lives and not have to deal with his antics and drama all the damn time, he sent my daughter a cold check for her birthday and two weeks after my sons birthday he decided to send him a cold check as well in card and said "see you soon" in it...WELL since i dont want to have anything to do with him, and his own son, my hubby, doesnt wnt to have anything to do with him, he has been told and numbers have been changed i would really like to see how in the world he thinks he is going to be seeing my kids....so what am i doing now, waiting for the time when that dumbass tries to show up here at my house where he knows he is not welcomed and its going to be one hell of scene. im going to let him know everything i have every thought about him and he will be take off my property by the police or ill handle it my way, one way or the other he isnt seeing my kids. with all the bullshit i have been dealing with lately i dare him to show up here. is it bad that im beyond pissed about it but excited at the same time to finally have the chance to lay into him the way i have always wanted to...shew wee. revengefull....another one of my many flaws.

brats

          I whitnessed a brat today for the very first time in my daughter, i was completely shocked and very upset. ok, with my husbands work schedule and my childrens school times, my husband does not get to see my kids at all during the week. saturdays and sundays are the only days he gets to spend with them and more than half the time he only gets to spend precious time with them on sundays. this fact upsets my husband and my children quite often and leaves me heart broken seeing them upset over it with nothing that i can do about it or change it. so today my husband went to the store and came back home with two small toys, a small lego set for my son who just started preschool this year, and a small mario princess figure for my daughter. he left them on the table for each of them with a sweet note for each. when we came home ryder ran to the table and was completely excited to see what daddy had gotten him, i read him the note and he was so happy. riveranne on the other side, walked over to it saw that it was a small figure and said " this is just stupid". with me already having a very stressful day and being in complete shock that those words had just come out of her mouth, i completely lost it on her. i couldnt even help it. i let her know that she was completely rude, and disrespectful for saying that when daddy had gotten her that thing because he had been missing her so very much, i also let her know that he didnt have to get her anything and that she now would not recieve this gift from him either. i called her a little brat (which maybe i shouldnt have) and told her i was extremely disapointed in her. she then became very upset herself crying, and continued to cry and apologize for about an hour and half. yet i  still did not let her have the gift, i told her it would be returned to the store and that she would NEVER act that way ever again.
          The reason this upset me so much and shocked me so, was because neither of my children have ever been like that ever before. they have both always been so grateful for everything they have ever gotten. when asked what they want for birthdays and christmas they will name a few things but will also tell you that they will love anything that you get them. so to hear that come out of her mouth ran all over me and i knew i need to take drastic messures to make sure that shit never happened again. i think i got the point across. She wrote her daddy a note saying she was sorry but she also realizes that just because she cried and said she was sorry that doesnt mean that she is going to get the gift back because she is not.
          I know too many brat kids, more than i would ever care to know actually. i swore when i became a mother that my children would never be like that ever. i know children that get whatever they want whenever they want it, even if that means they get a new toy each time they go to the store, they are rude and disrespectful, they are not thankful for anything that they have or get and always want more and better things. dont get me wrong my kids do for the most part get everything they ever want but they only get them when it is birthdays and christmas and not on an everyday basis and they understand the reasons why. i will not ever buy my kids love. my kids know i love them because of the time i spend with them and the attention and affection i give them. too many people these days think they have to buy their childrens love which results in snotty brat kids that are so disrispectful and ungrateful and i can honestly say i cant stand being around kids like that or parents that have made their kids like that and the sad thing is more people are like this these days than not. i know for a fact that my daughter saw someone else act like that and thought she could do it, she is only 7 and im sure she was testing the water, the fact is i will not tolerate her acting like that, and i know for a FACT i have not raised her to act like that. so im completely happy to say that i am convinced that this will not happen again., and i will take all messure possible to make sure my child is not around other parents and kids that are. it is not something i want my kids subjected too.

falling back into things

      I cant believe the most awesome summer we have ever had, has now come to an end. No more staying up super late, sleeping in, going to the pool 3 or 4 times a week, getting my tan on, being with my sister Heather and nephew Gage every single day, and being able to do alot of fun things with my friends, no school, no work, cookouts, parties with friends, days with nothing specific to do and being able to do whatever we want whenever we want. Its the end of a wonderful time. It now time to buckle down and get ourselves back in the game of going to bed on time, and getting up early, school, homework, and schedules. Riveranne is now in the second grade and even though she was not thrilled about summer break being over and having to head back to school, once she got there, met her new teacher and saw all of her friends she now says this is going to be the best year and has been completely enjoying herself. I was hoping and praying that certain events with certain idiotic people that occurred at the end of last school year wouldnt return with this school year and thankfully it will not because the people that were causing problems last year were banned from the property and no longer allowed to enroll their kids there. so sign of them and so reason for trouble this year which makes this mama very happy. I completely love that school and everyone employed there. They are a wonderful group of people that my family and i have become very close with. Ryder has not started school yet but will be starting preschool in two weeks and he is so excited to be able to go to school like sissy does. Im so happy that he is excited but im totally prepared for at least a couple of weeks of meltdowns since he has never been away from me, and i hope he does ok as well...lol. I already know that this is going to be a bit more difficult for me than it was when Riveranne went to preschool because Ryder is my last baby and Im just not ready for him to be so big. I was suppose to start school here in a few weeks as well but with some complications with my financial aid i have decided to withdraw this semester and then return again in January when i dont have so many things going on in my life. I would rather take a semester off than to struggle with my school work and chance not doing as well as i would want to.
       So been super super busy doing things to get ready for Heather and corey's wedding in a little over a month and i have been having a blast. Had them a very nice mexican themed wedding shower a month ago and now we are planning Heather a fun personal bride shower here in a couple of months and then bachelorette party in Nashville planned here in a couple weeks as well. I cant believe my little sister is finally getting married, i am so happy for her and corey. They are going all out on this very special event and i cant even describe how excited i am about it all we are going to have a freakin blast. My baby sister Amy is fixing to pop. She is expecting her first baby girl here any day now and my first little niece and i just cant wait to see that precious little thing. I have been having some major baby fever for a while now and with the sad truth that jason and i cant have anymore kids i am ready to feed my fever and get my hands on that sweet baby girl. And then my step sister christy is expecting her second son come october which is already an awesome month being mine and ryders birthday month. all these babies coming, im not gonna know what to do with myself. Im so excited for my family and all the wonderful blessing we are getting this year.
       Excitement has been around every corner, some good and some bad. Earlier this week, i decided i would keep Gage all night so the kids could have one more night together and day at the pool before school started. After putting the kids to bed i went to step outside to smoke, it was dark, and all of a sudden i heard someone running down the steps on my porch, i took one step out the door and saw a man jumping my fence. I was so stunned by it i just stepped back in the house, locked the door, and called the police and my daddy. My daddy arrived first and searched my yard finding nothing, a good 15 minutes later the police finally arrived and also checked everything out and found nothing. They said they would patrol over here a little extra for the rest of the week and that was it. Thank God whoever it was ran off because if he had actually been trying to come in i would have had no choice but to shoot him because the police were in no hurry to get here and check it out. So now im a bit paranoid because after the fact i realized that my blinds had been open and there is no telling how long the guy had been on my porch looking in at me and the kids. Freaky very freaky...no needless to say i am locked and loaded and ready for whatever mind jump loose over here. I mean we lived at our other house for over 9 years, 3 of those our neighbor was a very well known drug dealer and nothing like this ever happened over there, i wasnt ever even worried at all, but now we have moved to an old, very quiet neighborhood and jasons car was broke into and everything stolen and now this, what the crap...kinda feel like we are being targeted or something but im not sure who it would be, i have several enemies so there really is no telling. Luckily everyone is ok and i promise i will do everything i can to make sure it stays that way. im a tough bitch!!! and thankfully i have such awesome guy friends (Ced and Mitch) that live near by that have both called to check on us and ensure me that all i had to do was give them a call and they would be here to have my back, sure makes me feel good since my lovely husband works second shift and cant be here at times.
        If you know me and my kids you know that i have some of the funniest kids around, they just say the craziest things sometimes, and often take me, who is not effected by much, completely by shock. If you are a friend of mine on facebook you get the pleasure of reading about some of the things they say and do because i find it completely necessary to share those things that i find hysterical. Just yesterday my three year old son thought he would share with me that his balls were sweating and my three year old nephew told me just two days ago that he loved me and called me "BIGUN". I cant help but laugh at them when they do these things even if i know i should turn into appropriate mom and let them know those are not nice things to say, i just cant help it. I probably doesnt help that i dont have any kind of filter myself. i can be very real, crude, rude, and ever vulgar on a daily basis. i think it makes me hilarious and awesome and most other people do as well, however i do tend to rub some people the wrong way at times but hey thats me and i love me. and i totally love the fact that my kids including my nephew are going to be just like me.
       I can honestly say that i have never been one to have a ton of friends, i just never have, im not sure why really but within the last year i have realized that i have a ton of awesome friends. Our car club friends are really more like family, we completely love being around them and we would all do anything for one another and that feeling is so awesome. I have really became close with big sexys wifey jodie, we are so much alike and we have a freakin blast when we are together, we can talk about anything to each other and we really cut up and i love it and i completely appreciate her friendship. and then there is Terrie, i completely love this woman, she amazes me with everything she does, she is super mom. with 6 gorgeous, very well behaved kids, she also goes to school and works. I have really enjoyed hanging out with her this summer even though we havent been able to as much as i would have liked. she is hilarious and we always have a good laugh when we are together and i completely appreciate her friendship as well. No one can touch my chunky dunk, i am beyond thrilled that she now back with me and she better not ever move away again. She is by far my very best friend (beside my sister) and i love being with her and her family. our kids love each other and we are just all around one big happy family. i love her to pieces and i could never express what her friendship has meant to me all these years. I also love the fact that i have made new friends because of jenn, like amanda who i also think is awesome. i am beyond blessed to have such awesome friends right now in my life, its something that i have missed for so long and never even realized it until these awesome ladies came into my life. I love you all so much. what more could a girl ask for, an awesome family and friends. Thats what makes the world go around. so all in all im ready to fall back into the swing of this thing called life. bring it on!!!

summertime fun

       i know it has been awhile since my last blog but i have just been enjoying my drama free, pool filled summer with my family and friends. since my last blog i got a no contact order against the idiots that were causing me troubles by request of the elem school principal so he would have reason to ban them from the school property. and since i did that i have not seen them or heard a word from them and it has been glorious!!! dont get me wrong a no contact order is something i would have never done on my own, i am def a whip their ass and move on kinda girl but i did it and its done and it has obviously works so i guess its a win win... now onto much less depressing matters.
        With school letting out for me and my daughter, me being laid off work for the summer and my sister also being out of work this summer we have been taking advantage of every single day... we got a summer pass for all of us to the city pool and we have been burning it up, at least 3-4 days a week we have been there, getting our tans on, swimming it up and having a blast us and the kids and it has been amazing. there is no one in this world that i am more close to than my sister, she is literally my very best friend. if we arent swimming, we are cooking out or just hanging out nearly every single day. this is the best summer by far.
        My bestest chunky dunker has decided to move back home to me, which means back to the same county as i am in and i couldnt be more excited, i have missed her terribly. I have been able to see her or talk to her as much as usual and now i am hoping that will change. Not only is my chunky dunker back but i have made so many new awesome friends in the past year and i love hanging out with all of them. its awesome to have such wonderful people in my life. something i have been missing for a long long time.
        With all the wonderful festivities going on come the end of the summer i have been busy busy...My baby sister is having her first baby come august, a baby girl, and im so excited. My sister heather is finally marrying her man of 10 years come september and we have been doing all kinds of things for it to help make it perfect for her, she really deserves it. and then my step sister is also having a baby, another baby boy come october so yeah busy busy busy...but its so amazing and im so excited. but i cant lie it is making me want another baby really bad but hey thats nothing new.
        I just recently reconnected with someone i hadnt spoken with in a long time. hoping that this is going to be a good step instead of a bad one, that we will be someday be able to talk about all the problems that we both had that ended our friendship to begin with and i hope that we will be able to be good friends onces again but its going to be a very slow process, one that i am fully willing to give my all in, and take it one step at a time. i just hope from the other end the feelings are the same.
       I have been trying not to deal with the fact that my baby boy is no longer a baby, and even though i am cherishing every single moment with him this summer, come the end of the summer he will be heading off to preschool and i know i am going to loose it. there will be no more sweet baby home with me during the day. and even though i will also be going back to school for my 4th semester its still gonna be hard knowing he isnt at home with me and that he is no longer my sweet baby boy. its sad for me and im not ready for this moment. oh well growing up is a part of life.
       i know i have jumped around in this blog but i had so many things going on that i wanted to share. so until next time yall, and hopefully it wont be as long until my next one and i wont have so much going on that i have to jump around like in this one.

keep it coming

        I have been trying for several months now to just let things go. I have been trying to not let things get to me as bad as i have in the past, not to dwell on the things that do bother me, and i have been trying my hardest not to hold grudges, and not to feel ventictive, and revengeful towards people that have done things to me. However as much as i have tried, to do all these things, a person can only take so much before they snap and reverse back to the person they are trying so hard not to be and this past couple weeks have ruined all the hard work i have put into myself to try and make myself a better person.
       I know i wrote about a couple of family members a while ago in a blog that had been giving me some trouble, family members that have always been drama filled and trouble makers and ones that i have all my life been ashamed to even admit i was related to. Well a few months ago my cousin and i had a blow up over her attacking me over something i had nothing to do with and actually had no clue about was going on. its not the first time this has happen and it surely wont be the last because this is the way they are. if there isnt enough drama going in their lives then they feel the need to create more.  It turned extremely ugly with me stooping to her level and letting her know everything i had ever thought of her (all bad of course, with horrible language). i said what i wanted to say and then i was done. i figured it had been dropped since nothing had been said or done in a couple months. All of a sudden two weeks ago while picking my daughter up from school for a dr's appointment, my daughter jumped in the front seat buckled up and we headed out, my cousin and her friend were sitting in the school parking lot and decided it was necessary to call the police on me telling them that i had let a small child who was suppose to be in the back seat in a carseat up front, the police came to me, questioned me and saw that it was a complete lie and went on their way. why she found it necessary to start the bullshit all back up again i have no clue other than her being a trouble maker and drama whore. so it started back from there....
       From the wednesday she called the police on me, for the rest of that week and the whole week after that, she and the girl she drives around all day decided to blow me kisses, stick their tongues out, and give me the finger each and every morning at the elementary school where our kids attend. i let her and her friend do it all while i gave nothing but a smile because they were stupid enough to do all those things in front of the school i was determined to let them get themselves into trouble and that is exactly what they did... after the teacher that lets the kids out of the cars each morning had witnessed this for over a week she snapped and said she would going to handle it resulting in a letter being sent to my cousin and her friend saying they had been seen harassing me and giving lude gestures in front of the school, were given some guideline and rules for dropping their kids off and told that if it didnt stop they would be banned from the schools property. me being envolve also i was sent a copy of the letter they had recieved to know that the matter was being handled. this was on a friday. that next monday my other cousin decided to start up some crap with my husband over it all, and since none of them can handle their own shit and they all have to get involved i was not sursprise but completely pissed over it and i called them up. my cousin and her friend decided they were going to go to the school and raise some hell over them recieving the letter from them, and to excuse them giving me the finger and stuff in front of the school they made up the lie that i had tried to run them and their children over in the school parking lot, which the school knows is a lie. 15 minutes after leaving the school raising hell they caught me in houchens parking lot loading my groceries and decided to jump me. They ran their vehicle right up on me,  my cousin her friend and her father, jumped out on me screaming yelling, cursing, and trying to fight me right there in the middle of the day in a public place with tons of witnesses who saw them jump me while i was loading groceries. it got extremely ugly until the police showed up and ended it, it was a big mess all because they were blaming me for them getting into trouble at the school. i was recommended to go to the county attorney and i did were i found out they had filed on me saying i had tried to run over them in which i have proof i did not, i went ahead and filed a no contact order on them since it had gotten way out of hand and physical and they have not been served with their no contact no communication orders on all three of the ones that jumped me at the store. and yet they are still following me around town, and i have still been getting private calls letting me know i need to watch my back. but i will say this and i mean it with everything in me, they will not show up at my house, and they will not jump me again, i have taken precaustions to make sure that shit doesnt ever happen again. they are nothing but white trash, skanky, trouble makers, drama whores, that will never be anything in this life or have anything in this life and i will no longer allow myself to be associated with them in any way ever again. they are no relation to me and as far as i am concerned they do not exist and that is perfectly ok with me. so here i am on my way to trying to become a not so angry person, not a grudge holder, and a spiteful, vendictive person once again, its not going to be easy but im trying. i have to cause im gonna let them knock me down to their level. its just a sham that their are so many people out there that thrive on trying to bring others down to their very low level in life....but its not going to be me.....anymore.....

stick a fork in it

        This year has been somewhat of a difficult year for me so far. I have had alot of different things going on and i have felt very overwhelmed for the majority of these last 5 months. This semester has been a very difficult one for me, im not sure if it is the fact that i have taken 4 challenging class that required alot more work and attention or if it is the fact that i have not been motivated at all for this semester, or more than likely both combined. I am not doing well this semester and will come out with C and maybe even a D which is very disapointing because the last two semesters i have had all A's. Im really glad its almost over, im in my last week of classes and then i have finals week and then thank the Lord for a 3 month summer vacation. im really hoping i can be refreshed after summer break and will return in the fall with a better attitude for my school work, however the class routine will be different for me because i will have all online class except for one and i think that will work alot better for me.
       I was laid off from my job which was only very parttime to begin with, im kinda relieved because it removed one of the many things i had to do each day but then i do kinda miss the money that i made that was mine and ready to be blown. they said they may have me come back in afew months but im not sure if im gonna do it or not. we are totally in love with our new house, everything about it, however the cops have been called on my at least 6 or 7 times since we have been here by a very uptight neighbor down the street that doesnt like the fact that our small dogs bark when they are outside on our property in our fenced in backyard. im thinking about having a big party and im gonna invite all the cops in glasgow because we have all become quite good friends because of their recent stops at my house...lol its actually comical and when they are called we all kind of giggle now when they show up...
       I have been trying very hard these last severak month to dig deep into myself and figure a few things out, i believe i have made pretty good progress so far but are far from finished working on myself. I have really tried to eliminate all negative things from my life and i have come to the conclusion that no matter how hard i try those kind of things are always going to be around it just depends on how i react to them. after a few month of really having it out with a few people in my family that are nothing but drama filled and trouble makers i had decided to let it all go get over it and move on without allowing them to be a part of my life or have any kind of control over me at all. i had been doing so good and thought that it was all over and then yesturday when i went to my daughters school to pick her up early for a dr's appointment there she (the one i have been having trouble with) sat in her van looking at me as i went in and got my daughter. we came back out got in the car and drove away like i hadnt even seen her and then bam, as i was at the dr with my daughter the cops showed up at my house, this time because they had been called that i had let my small child that was suppose to be in the backseat in a carseat in the front seat. my daughter was in the front seat but she is very well big enough to be up there if i want her to be and far big enough to be out of a carseat a long long time ago. of course i was mad, i was fire mad but im not shocked because i had let it go and they are the kind of people that cant live without drama so they will do anything they have to create some, but trust me it will come back on them some day and ill be the one sitting back laughing at them then. i have still been dealing with my horrible father inlaw that i have tried my damndest to remove from my life, he has been stopping by my house knowing i he is not welcomed here and my husband has just been letting him so i had to get ugly about it and thankfully he hasnt been by in a week or so and hopefully that is the way it will stay. i have also learned really quick that some people in this world will say whatever they want to say knowing it is a lie and that it could completely ruin someones life, it has happened in my family recently and i have been fighting extremely hard to try and make sure it doesnt happen and as of now it is just a waiting game as to see what will happen if anything. not a feeling i like at all and i def dont like all the hurt it has caused to a family member of mine that i care deeply about.
       I have not been dealing well with the fact that my very best friend has moved away and i am unable to see or talk to her as much as i had been in the past. she is only about 30 minutes away but with my busy life and hers, it has been weeks since i have seen her and i havent talked to her hardly at all either. i dont like it but its something that i have no choice but to deal with. I also reallized that it has been like 8 months now since i have seen or even spoken to a certain person that at one point in my life was like a sister to me, she was my very best friend and im still finding it hard at times not having her in my life and being able to share all the awesome, crazy, crappy things that have gone on with me in these last several months, so much has changed with me that and im sure it has with her as well that we literally dont even know each other at all anymore. its saddens me at times but also something that i have no choice but to accept and deal with and lately i have been doing better with that as well. recently i decided that it was time to let everyone know a secret i had been hiding for  a long time, a habit if you choose that i have been doing and hiding from everyone in my  family and even though it is far being the worst thing i could do and everyone is a tad upset and disapointed in me for doing it they are dealing with it and it has been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and alot of stress relieved since i dont really have to hide it anymore. and no im not on drugs or anything but i have been smoking cigs and no one knew.
       We added a new addition to the heller house this week, a black male pug, his name is Ace and he is just the cutest thing in  the world and a wonderful dog, so sweet. so now we have a full blooded pug Ace, a half boxer half pug Rayni, and a half shihtzu half pug Stormie, and they are all getting along so well and i love all my fur kids. things all in all have been good over my way.

getting old

years ago when we first got married and bought our home some of jasons friends thought of it as his bachlor pad instead of our home together. they were over every single day, until all hours of the night and half the time they stayed all night. i didnt feel like it was my home at first because of this, i didnt fully fee comfortable there, and def couldnt go about whatever i wanted to do because someone was always there somewhat in the way. i believe our relationship suffered some because of this and one day when i couldnt take it absolutely no more i told jason he was gonna have to do something about it...and he did and finally when there wasnt always someone there things were much much better for me in my home and for us as a couple...the year we got married actually the month we got married jasons dad decided to build a garage, a big garage one that jason had always wanted where he could do all the car audio work he needed to, filled with tools and supplies and jason dream come true. and then jason was no longer at home with me anymore, he worked the weekend shift at the dollar general warehouse which was friday saturday and sunday and mon through thursday he was at the garage all day long sometimes passed dinner time, there were many weeks that i brely saw him at all and yet again i struggled with it, he never really understood because it was something he was doing so a little side money and of course something that he completely loved to sometimes making me feel like he would rather do that any time than be with me and then me and the kids once they came along. well that particular shop is out of the story now but we have just recently moved to a new house and now he has yet again a garage, a muhc smaller one but still a garage and day and day out there is someone here getting there car worked on, or people hanging around while jason works on his and it may be that i have just been sick for a few days and have not really been in the mood to have other people at my hosue whether they are inside or outside or what but as each day passes and someone is always here and jason is always outside working on someones stuff or in the garage and i sit back and think that he doesnt help me with anything of our own that needs to be done i am getting more and more frustrated. i really dont know how much more i am going to be able to take cause i am very quickly beginning to feel uncomfortable in my own house yet again. cant do what i wanna do when i wanna do it and feeling like i always have to entertain someone. i mention it to him and he doesnt seem to care, and its not that i want him to give up the one thing that he loves (working on cars audio stuff) ut damn does it have to be every single day from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to work and then im in the bed before he gets back home. im just frustrated right now and wondering what i should do about it all.

love revived

dont get me wrong jason and i love each other with all our hearts, it has never faded throughout these 13 years we have been together but with our extremely busy lives these day with the kids the house both of us working and me in school we havent been able to spend hardly any time together alone, SO...... we decided to take a little 4 night 5 day vacation away from all that life has given us to take time just for us and our relationship, and boy did we need it. so off we went. we headed to the mountains, we had a beautiful cabin with a hot tub that we thoroughly enjoyed on those cooler evenings, we did alot of shopping, and eating, talking and having a great time. we took a horse carriage ride one night and took the skylift to the top of the mountain on another night and both were so romantic. we were able to relax soak it all in and just enjoy each other without all the daily stress we are used to. it was soooo nice, and even though we both missed the kids terribly we hated to see it all end at the end of the week. it had been 5 years sice we had taken a vacation but it had been nearly 8 years since we had taken a vacation just the two of us and it was long over due and we both vowed that we would never let it be that long before we took one ever again.
now we are very excited about hopefully being able to take another trip to the same area come fall with the kids so that they can enjoy it as well, there were so many things there that i know the kids would love so a trip in the fall is the plan.
this trip also helped me clear y head a bit of all the crap i had been having to deal with from people i would rather not be associated with. and that was a big thing i was hoping would be taken care of.
we wouldnt have been able to do anything if it werent for jason and my mothers and sisters volunteering to take wonderful care of our kids while we were gone and since we had never been away from them that long we were afraid it would be a difficult task but it wasnt, they did really well and had alot of fun with the family as well, so it was a win win.

snapfest

          We have been in our new house for like a little over 3 months now and we havent done a damn thing to any one of the neighbors near us to make them hate us and yet they are really pushing my damn buttons. we have two dogs, two small dogs that are HOUSE dogs that only go outside for very small periods of time to use the bathroom and might i add that we have a fenced in back yard, so there are always on our property. So this is a new place still for them and they are freakin dogs so yeah they bark sometimes but i have never just left them outside barking their damn heads off for hours at a time, yet a bitch neighbor of ours, who is like in her 60's felt it necessary to come to my house last thursday evening, rag my door bell, ran got in her car, cursed me like a damn dog when i opened the door, and without giving me a chance to rspond she drove off back to her house that is on the next road over. i was furious. i thought i was gonna have a freakin stroke i was so damn mad. so instead ofletting ugly tabatha comeout like i really wanted to and go to her house and handle my business i called for a police officer to come over so maybe they could relay my message to her that, that would NEVER ever happen again or i would whip her old ass all over my yard or hers which ever i had to do. so they went and talked to her and that was that. until tonight when while i had company i hear my doorbell ring once again and there stands yet another police officer saying there had been a complaint called in about my dogs barking. i informed him that my dogs have been in the house all day and the last time they had even went outside to use the bathroom was like 2 hours ago, he laughed and said no problem, me on the other hand, my blood was boiling. it is taking everything i have in me not to walk my fat ass over to her house right now. i know the bitch didnt hear my dogs barking for inside my house when she lives on the next street over. plus they are fucking dogs bitch, they will bark sometimes but they are always either in my house or in my yard, get the fuck over it. but im not gonna keep playig these little games with this old ass woman before i put an end to it for real and its not gonna be pretty at all, i can promise you that.
           An not only have i been ealing with stupid neighbors but i have been dealing with trouble making family members as well lately. the same ones i always have trouble with because if they dont have enough drama going on they find some one to make more trouble with and this time i was just not willing to let them do their thing, with threatening, running their mouths and making up lies with out responding back to their trashy skanky ways, and they didnt like what i had to say but it was all straight truth. i have said what i wanted to say to them and i am ready to handle it any other way i need to if it comes to that because i am at a point in my life where im really not willing to put of with people fucking shit anymore and i will stop it any way i have to. i can cut you down with my tongue but dont think i wont beat a bitches ass if i have to cause i will and right now im not really worried about it at all. so with all that said my little vacation alone with jason away from all the bullshit cant come fast enough and thankfully its only a couple days away cause i dont know how much more i can take before i have a snapfest on each and every person that has pissed me off.
          So if i dont come back home completely refreshed my little vacation alot of shit is about to go down cause i am beyond sick and tired of everyones bullshit.

JUST NOT FEELING IT

          I wake up in the morning and rush to get my shower, get my daughter up, dressed, hair and teeth brushed and out the door for school with 45 minutes to do it in. I take her to school by 7, and i head to my job which even though it only takes me an hour to an hour and half to do it is a 7 day a week job. As soon as i am done with my job i head straight to WKU for classes 3 days a week and must be there by 9am. and on the days i dont have class i have 2 online classes i do. When i finish class I try and do all the errands, bill paying, and grocery shopping i can get done in the short amount of time i have before i have to be back at the school to get my daughter at 2. When we get home we both do homework, and i start dinner, then we eat, we get baths, i clean, i get them in bed, i clean some more, then i try and study and do more homework after they are asleep so i can focus more. I also do thirtyone stuff nearly every single day as well. And like i didnt already have enough stuff to do, i have now takn on a workout regimen and i hit up curves monday, wednesday, and friday mornings, thursday nights for zumba and saturdays when the kids dont have ball games which will be starting back up again realy soon. I rarely get more than 5 hours of sleep each night and i have been sick for what seems like forever cause i dont have time to get better. I think i may be loosing it. and i mean really loosing it. The last two semesters i have been able to work it all out and make good grades and be motivated and proud of myself and even though this semester has just started i am already feeling completely unmotivated with school and with my new workout regimen, and the lack of motivation is showing in my school work for sure, i did horrible on my first accounting test this week and now i have a history test tomorrow that i am also not prepared for. Im so frustrated. Im not really sure what my deal is really, cause other than be super duper busy everything else is goin great, i think i just need a break and im hoping that in two weeks when my husband and i take our little relaxation getaway, away from the house the kids the dogs, work, school and everyone and everything, im hoping i will come back refreshed and ready to catch back up and give it all my very best. i have just been feeling like i dont have time to breath let alone think or rest.
           And with all of this going on I have also been having some major family (aunt uncle and cousins) drama and i cant stress this enough that i am soooooooooooo over all the drama people bring to me and i dont want anything to do with any of it and yet as soon as i get one drama filled situation out of my life, here comes another. So i have been prayer for removal of it and of them from my life, whether temporary or permanant, i dont really care at this point. I dont want to see them, hear anything about them, talk to them or anything and i hope that they understand this or i will have to make it very clear in a very ugly way.
          SO let talk about this workout thing im doing, i actually really like it curves is an awesome place and i have met a bunch of awesome new people, no one judges you there and there are all kinds of different people that go there with all kinds of different body types so you dont feel bad about yourself. The circuit is wonderful because its quick workouts on several different machines so you dont get bored and you dont get sore, and zumba is intense but sooo much fun. ad even though i have been super motivated and determined to do this and try and make myself healthier, its not working as i thought it all would, today was my first weigh in and after a month of hard core working out i havent lost any weight, i have lost body fat mass and 5 inches but no weight and that is just very unmotivating and that worries me, cause i am def a quitter i cant lie so if i stay unmotivated i will more than likely stop going and i really dont want to do that. I have also been thinking about not going back to school next semester also which is a HORRIBLE thought for me to be having because that is what happened last time i was going to college, i had to take one semester off and i never went back not for 8 years and i really really want to get a degree and help make a better life for my family and help my husband get out of that factory and be able to work towards his dreams as well.
          And while im on my little rant, ill go ahead and lay it out that i want another baby. but i cant have one because my husband had a vasectomy. on most days i know that i have all that i need one girl and one boy that are wonderful and that i am soooo thankfu to have but deep deep down in me i really do want another one. so my baby sister is pregnant and i have tried to convience myself that whe she has the baby i will be able to get my baby fix and i this feeling i have been having will surely then pass but then i dont ever even see her or hear from her so what makes me think i will ever see the baby as much as i would like too, and my step sister is also pregnant and i wont ever get to see hers either, im kinda jealous that they are pregnant and i cant ever be again.
         And sometimes i feel like jason and i are in a rut when it comes to our realtionship and our marriage, we have been together nearly our whole lives and i wouldnt trade that for the world and dont get me wrong i want to be with im for the rest of my life no doubt about that , but we just dont ever seem to have time for one anothe anymore with everything else we both have going on and then he gets mad at me because i am so extremely exhausted all the time. whats a girl to do, so i book a small trip for just me and him, 4 night away from it all to relax, and enjoy each other with no time schedule and nothing planned, just winging it. and neither one of us can hardly wait, its just what we are needing i truely believe that. and now that my little rant is over i will end this here, but only for now, i will be back and that is a promise...hehe

Reflections

          Reflecting on my life tonight. I am 27 years old, I am married to the man of my dreams, my very best friend in the world, we have shared 13 year together thus far and I cant even describe how excited i am to share the rest of my life with him. We have two wonderful, healthy, perfect and fun kids, they are literally my heart and soul walking around outside my body. We married and dreamt of our family and now all of our dreams have come true. We couldnt be more blessed, we both have jobs and are able to have everything we could ever need and want, we have wonderful family all around us and the ones that arent wont be around much longer, we have wonderful friends that we have a ton of fun with and who would always have our backs. I am also very blessed to be able to attend college and will soon be able to hopefully better my family with a degree in accouning and i get to be a consultant for thirtyone which i love and completely enjoy. I have all anyone could ever want and i have had many people throughout the years tell me they wish they had what i had. Not that i want people to be jealous of me cause i dont but i do take pride in being able to show people what true happiness is. Dont get me wrong i have def had hard time in my life, some im surprised i even recovered from, but they are what has made me who i am. I am a strong person because of the people that have come into my life, tried their hardest to break me down and failed miserably doing so, and i am even thankful for them, for having a part in making me who i am by showing me i deserve so much better, and they have shown me how i dont want to be and how i dont my life to be.
           As i have reflected on my life i have found so much sadness in some of the people i had once had in my life. Its so sad when you have to sit back and watch someone struggle for years and years. When someone feels like they have to lie about the things they own, their home, and their material things along with how much money they have and such to try and convience other they are some body in this big ole world. Its a shame when they feel like they have to constantly tell people how wonderful their life is to mask how things really are. Someone that is so far gone in depression that they push everyone that has ever cared about them away, its so sad to think about really. its odd that people like this were ever even in my life since we are so completely different. They cling to the people that have always done them wrong over and over again and push away the ones that cared, it must be denial or something, or maybe they feel like they dont deserve any better since that is all they have ever known from their friends and family all their life. i dont know but i sure dont understand it at all and at this point in my life i dont really care to. But what i did learn from them the most is that there is nothing no matter how hard you try and put forth effort, there is nothing you can do to help them, you have to just remove them from your life, let them live with the depression and sad life they have chosen and try your damnedest not to worry anymore about them. They will have to learn on their own that the ones they call friends will be the first to turn on them because it has happened many times before and their family will also always treat them like crap because they have let them do it all their lives and one day many years from now they will finally realise who was true to them and how they messed it all up and by then it will be too late. these are just things i have noticed and are about NO ONE inparticular. if you think its about you then maybe you should re-evaluate your lives and see why you think this is about you and why you would think someone else would see you like this.
       

why?

Why do people do the things they do?
Why do people feel the way they feel?
Why do people lie the way they lie?
Why do people make up stories about themselves and other people?
Why would someone talk horrible about their family and friends and then try and drill it in to peoples heads that they love them sooooo much?
Why would someone talk horrible about the people they say are their best friends?
Why would someone wanna be friends with people that have done them so wrong in the past?
Why do people bring people into their homes that mistreat them and their kids?
Why do people pawn their kids off on other to do out partying all the time?
Why do people search for take pain pills all the time to try and numb themselves?
Why do some people think its better to leave someone hanging instead of giving them a call?
Why do people sit on the couch all day long then complain about sitting on the couch all day long?
Why do people say their kids are their wole life when talking to others when they never even wanted them to begin with?
Why would someone stay with someone after being abused?
Why would someone stay with someone after being cheated on?
Why would someone lie about owning their home when they rent?
Why would someone lie about so called money they recieved from someones death?
Why would people lie about their health to make people feel sorry for them?
Why would someone cheat on the mate that actually treats them good?
Why would someone tell another person they were hated by someone that didnt hate them?
Why would someone put another person in their wedding if they didnt want them to be?
Why do people make fun of other people?
Why do people call others names?
Why do people spread rumers about others that arent true?
Why do people fuss about others writting stuff on facebook and on blogs when they do the same things?
Why do people say their lives are sooo horrible and then in the next breath say it is soooo perfect?
Why would someone think they could talk about everyone else to you and then actually think you believe they dont talk about you behind your back?
Why do people push away the people that care for them?
Why do people treat the people that care for them like shit and then suck up to the ones that treat them like crap?
Why do people not discipline their children?
Why do people think that buying things is a way to show you love them?
Why do people keep putting up with someone that treats them horrible?
Why do people put forth so much effort when none is given to them?
Why do people drop everything to be there for someone when they need them when they would never recieve that in return if needed?
Why do people feel horrible, and worried about someone when they never meant anything to them?
Why cant people just get over things and move on when its obivious they were never important to someone?
Why do people ignore your phone calls and texts?
Why do people stand you up with no explaination?
Why do some people not want more for their children?
Why do some peopl not want to work for what they need?
Why do some people strive on drama and when there isnt any they have to create some?
Why do some people treat one child differently than the others?
Why do some people let their children be disrespectful little brats that no one wants to be around?
Why do people sleep around with a lot of different people and not love any of them?
Why do people choose their partners over their kids?
Why do people feel the need to talk about things they have no idea about?
Why do people take others for granted?
Why do people say one thing and mean something else?
Why do people deny things they have done?
Why do people tell all their darkest secrets to someone and then plays it off like that person doesnt know them at all?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????
YOU TELL ME!!!
Why do people think everyone people write about it about them?
Why do people take others words for things instead of finding out the true on their own?
Why do people lie about viewing others stuff when its obvious they do?
Why say your not talking about someone and that you dont care, when every blog you ahve written in the last little while has had something to do with them in it for a fact.
Why write something and then deny its about someone inparticular just because you didnt use their name?
Why do people write horrible things about someone and think that just because they deleted it afterwards that the person they wrote it about didnt see it?
Why do people think others are so stupid?
Why do people keep worrying about people that arent worth the worry never has been?
Why do people keep coming and telling things like i care anymore?
Why didnt i learn my lesson a long ass time ago?
Why didnt i listen to everyone that was trying to warn me?
Why do people have to just keep on and on and on?
These are questions i have asked myself, about myself, and about a few other people i know. I know the answer to most of the questions whether i fully understand them is another question all in itself.