late nights

sometimes late at night when the kids are in the bed and my husband is still at work i find myself sitting and reflecting on things that have happened in the past, things i have done and things that have been done to me. im not sure why i do this but im sure everyone does at sometime or another...there is a part of my brain that just will not let me forget things and move on, im a horrible grudge holder and even when i try my hardest i still find myself holding one with many people but not to their faces...i have had fall outs with many family and friends at different times and even though we speak, try and work things out and move on with a better relationship but after so many hurtful things have been said i find myself doubting them, wondering if i can really trust them, believe things that they say and do and confide in them...i also find myself feeling as if there is no one i could turn to at times if i really needed someone...i am the kind of person that wants to help everyone to be happy, im always there when people need me and i do all i can for everyone...but i dont hardly ever feel that i have someone that would do the same for me. other than my husband and mother whom are there more than anyone i only have one other person, one person to call a best friend, a sister. kinda makes me sit back and wonder what it is with me that i cant have a bunch of good friends like normal people do...maybe it is me. maybe i have set to high of standard and expectations for the people in my life, expecting the way i treat people to be returned to me, when 95% of the time it has not been...i have really tried working on not having any expectations of people so that i dont get let down and hurt and that doesnt really seem to be working either, people all around me let me down at some point and when that happens things are never the same again...its sad but something i cant really help either. oh well this si just me venting a few things that were on my mind tonight...